Sunday, August 31, 2008
Out to Lunch
We took my 97-year-old grandmother out to lunch today. It did not go well. We pulled into her driveway and found her wandering around the yard; apparently she had decided that she was unhappy with the height of her hedges and should do some impromptu yard work. Given that she uses a little cart with handles on it just so she can walk around her living room (she calls it her derrick), trying to wield enormous clippers was probably a bad idea. We finally managed to disarm her and get her into the car -- this is a three man job, by the way -- at which point she settled into a pleasant narrative about the various things that are objectionable about various fictional characters' personal grooming and hair. (We're looking at you, Erica Kane.) Once we arrived at the restaurant, she announced that she couldn't hear anything because the television was too loud (there was no television anywhere in the room that had its sound on) and that we would just have to speak up. So we spent the hour screaming three or four word sentences at her. The secret was just to ask her a three or four word question about the forties and let her go on for twenty minutes. She ordered the taco salad, which she ate about six bites of before attempting to crush it up to fit into a to go container. Then it was back to the car, where she asked me to turn off a radio that was of course not on. My pantomime skills come in handy yet again.
We took my 97-year-old grandmother out to lunch today. It did not go well. We pulled into her driveway and found her wandering around the yard; apparently she had decided that she was unhappy with the height of her hedges and should do some impromptu yard work. Given that she uses a little cart with handles on it just so she can walk around her living room (she calls it her derrick), trying to wield enormous clippers was probably a bad idea. We finally managed to disarm her and get her into the car -- this is a three man job, by the way -- at which point she settled into a pleasant narrative about the various things that are objectionable about various fictional characters' personal grooming and hair. (We're looking at you, Erica Kane.) Once we arrived at the restaurant, she announced that she couldn't hear anything because the television was too loud (there was no television anywhere in the room that had its sound on) and that we would just have to speak up. So we spent the hour screaming three or four word sentences at her. The secret was just to ask her a three or four word question about the forties and let her go on for twenty minutes. She ordered the taco salad, which she ate about six bites of before attempting to crush it up to fit into a to go container. Then it was back to the car, where she asked me to turn off a radio that was of course not on. My pantomime skills come in handy yet again.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
My Quincy Trip, by the Numbers
Articles about people I went to high school with that my mother left on my bed: 3
Approximate length of my bed, the same bed I've had since childhood, in inches: 4
Times I have already been to Wal-Mart: 2
High school classmates now serving as Wal-Mart cashiers: 1
Packages of tube socks purchased at Wal-Mart: 1
Uncomfortable remarks about sex made by my grandmother: 3
Uncomfortable remarks about race made by my grandmother: 5
Names of Cubs players mispronounced by my grandmother: 10
Laptops currently running in our living room: 3
Times my mother has accidentally misplaced her Word toolbar: 2
Times my dog has awakened me at 6:30 in the morning: 2
Planned trips to Ruby Tuesday's: 1
Times I have been accused of being "cranky": 2
Arguments that have ensued: 2
Days until I leave: 2
Articles about people I went to high school with that my mother left on my bed: 3
Approximate length of my bed, the same bed I've had since childhood, in inches: 4
Times I have already been to Wal-Mart: 2
High school classmates now serving as Wal-Mart cashiers: 1
Packages of tube socks purchased at Wal-Mart: 1
Uncomfortable remarks about sex made by my grandmother: 3
Uncomfortable remarks about race made by my grandmother: 5
Names of Cubs players mispronounced by my grandmother: 10
Laptops currently running in our living room: 3
Times my mother has accidentally misplaced her Word toolbar: 2
Times my dog has awakened me at 6:30 in the morning: 2
Planned trips to Ruby Tuesday's: 1
Times I have been accused of being "cranky": 2
Arguments that have ensued: 2
Days until I leave: 2
Friday, August 29, 2008
All Aboard
Last night, I took the train back to Quincy for a long weekend. In case you've never taken an Amtrak from Union Station, let me assure you that you should do your best to keep it that way. My trip began with a glamorous dinner from Burrito Beach at the "food court" that is essentially just five or six tables crammed into the edge of a hallway. Then I got in line for the train, only to find out that it was not a line for my train and in fact not even a line. Then I spent half an hour standing awkwardly around in the lounge while people repeatedly asked me if this was the right place to be for the 383 (apparently I look like I work for Amtrak) before finally getting on the train. Then we got stuck behind a freight train, which added an extra half hour to the trip. Oh, and there was a lady sitting in front of me talking loudly on her cell phone the whole way and laughing like a hyena. Other than that, it wasn't bad. I played mah jongg on my laptop and read Middlemarch.
Last night, I took the train back to Quincy for a long weekend. In case you've never taken an Amtrak from Union Station, let me assure you that you should do your best to keep it that way. My trip began with a glamorous dinner from Burrito Beach at the "food court" that is essentially just five or six tables crammed into the edge of a hallway. Then I got in line for the train, only to find out that it was not a line for my train and in fact not even a line. Then I spent half an hour standing awkwardly around in the lounge while people repeatedly asked me if this was the right place to be for the 383 (apparently I look like I work for Amtrak) before finally getting on the train. Then we got stuck behind a freight train, which added an extra half hour to the trip. Oh, and there was a lady sitting in front of me talking loudly on her cell phone the whole way and laughing like a hyena. Other than that, it wasn't bad. I played mah jongg on my laptop and read Middlemarch.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Suggestions for Spicing Up the Democratic National Convention
-- Keep offering to fight the states without many delegates.
-- Drop the whole politics angle and just show old episodes of Sex & the City
-- Two words: Foxy Boxing.
-- At the last minute, change the nominee to Charo.
-- Add a live performance from Kenny G.
-- Host guided tours of John McCain's seven houses.
-- Change the party platform to include Topless Tuesdays.
-- Have a donkey and an elephant fight each other on the convention floor.
-- Make Wolf Blitzer perform a series of physical challenges.
-- Hire Simon, Paula, and Randy to provide commentary on the speeches.
-- Keep offering to fight the states without many delegates.
-- Drop the whole politics angle and just show old episodes of Sex & the City
-- Two words: Foxy Boxing.
-- At the last minute, change the nominee to Charo.
-- Add a live performance from Kenny G.
-- Host guided tours of John McCain's seven houses.
-- Change the party platform to include Topless Tuesdays.
-- Have a donkey and an elephant fight each other on the convention floor.
-- Make Wolf Blitzer perform a series of physical challenges.
-- Hire Simon, Paula, and Randy to provide commentary on the speeches.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Moving On
So The Hills is back, and I have to say, I'm kind of done with it. How many more times do we need to see Lauren freak out because Heidi is around? Are we still somehow supposed to believe that Spencer and Heidi's bickering is charming? Is Audrina really an interesting enough character to have her own sidekick? (And is that sidekick really named Chiara?) I don't know, it just all sort of seems stale. Of course, I'd be on board with the rumored Whitney spinoff in a heartbeat, but for now I plan to focus on other reality programming. There's a whole world waiting out there.
Speaking of which, my actual reality has been a bit busy lately. I had the big office moves, which means I've spent the past few days figuring out things like where the nearest vending machines are and what the hell I did with my paperclips. The good news is that my new office is slightly larger and more usable. The bad news is that it is on the West side, so it becomes a sweatbox every afternoon. Are tank tops considered business casual?
So The Hills is back, and I have to say, I'm kind of done with it. How many more times do we need to see Lauren freak out because Heidi is around? Are we still somehow supposed to believe that Spencer and Heidi's bickering is charming? Is Audrina really an interesting enough character to have her own sidekick? (And is that sidekick really named Chiara?) I don't know, it just all sort of seems stale. Of course, I'd be on board with the rumored Whitney spinoff in a heartbeat, but for now I plan to focus on other reality programming. There's a whole world waiting out there.
Speaking of which, my actual reality has been a bit busy lately. I had the big office moves, which means I've spent the past few days figuring out things like where the nearest vending machines are and what the hell I did with my paperclips. The good news is that my new office is slightly larger and more usable. The bad news is that it is on the West side, so it becomes a sweatbox every afternoon. Are tank tops considered business casual?
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Hot Times
Haven't the last few days of Obama's Veepstakes been totally hilarious? I've heard literally five different people named as "definitely the choice," none of which were Joe Biden. I heard that Bayh was clearly the choice because a factory in Texas was ordered to make bumper stickers that said Obama/Bayh. I heard that Wes Clark had to be it because he recently shut down his website for retooling. I also heard it had to be Kaine because the obamakaine domain name had recently been snatched up. The best part, though, was watching the jackasses over at CNN and FOX try to make news out of the complete lack of information they had. Yup, report on rumors, guys. That's definitely your job.
In other news, it is really painfully hot outside right now. I walked down to the grocery store this morning and came back completely drenched. It's a lucky thing all the food was wrapped in protective packaging, let me tell you. Otherwise no one would want to eat my omelets. But days like today make we want to do absolutely nothing at all. Which is pretty much what I'm doing, as the Cubs game hardly counts as mental or physical exercise.
Haven't the last few days of Obama's Veepstakes been totally hilarious? I've heard literally five different people named as "definitely the choice," none of which were Joe Biden. I heard that Bayh was clearly the choice because a factory in Texas was ordered to make bumper stickers that said Obama/Bayh. I heard that Wes Clark had to be it because he recently shut down his website for retooling. I also heard it had to be Kaine because the obamakaine domain name had recently been snatched up. The best part, though, was watching the jackasses over at CNN and FOX try to make news out of the complete lack of information they had. Yup, report on rumors, guys. That's definitely your job.
In other news, it is really painfully hot outside right now. I walked down to the grocery store this morning and came back completely drenched. It's a lucky thing all the food was wrapped in protective packaging, let me tell you. Otherwise no one would want to eat my omelets. But days like today make we want to do absolutely nothing at all. Which is pretty much what I'm doing, as the Cubs game hardly counts as mental or physical exercise.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Memory Lane
I went back to Champaign for recruiting yesterday. It's always interesting to see how much a place like that can change in just a few short years. They have a Flattop Grill now and a huge Urban Outfitters in the middle of Green Street; it's essentially turned into Bucktown. Several of my favorite bars have now closed and others equally dank and/or ridiculous have opened in their places. They even found something to fill the spot where there used to be an abandoned Wendy's.
We stayed at the student union, which was interesting. The check-in girl was a delightful little gal who freaked out about absolutely everything, from where we should park to which elevators we should take to our rooms. My room had an honest-to-god vanity table in it, which I very much enjoyed posing at as though I were in a Degas. The bed was somewhere between limestone and shale, I believe. And there was a free continental breakfast that resulted in a bagel fracas that nearly cost me my life.
I am definitely relieved to be back. It turns out I'm just not cut out for the high life any more.
I went back to Champaign for recruiting yesterday. It's always interesting to see how much a place like that can change in just a few short years. They have a Flattop Grill now and a huge Urban Outfitters in the middle of Green Street; it's essentially turned into Bucktown. Several of my favorite bars have now closed and others equally dank and/or ridiculous have opened in their places. They even found something to fill the spot where there used to be an abandoned Wendy's.
We stayed at the student union, which was interesting. The check-in girl was a delightful little gal who freaked out about absolutely everything, from where we should park to which elevators we should take to our rooms. My room had an honest-to-god vanity table in it, which I very much enjoyed posing at as though I were in a Degas. The bed was somewhere between limestone and shale, I believe. And there was a free continental breakfast that resulted in a bagel fracas that nearly cost me my life.
I am definitely relieved to be back. It turns out I'm just not cut out for the high life any more.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Reflections
Incredibly, I forgot to mention that I saw The Da Vinci Code the movie. Or rather, I saw about three fifths of it. The DVD we got from Netflix kept freezing up about halfway through and, rather than wait for a new one, we just skipped ahead to the point where it stopped freezing up. So I missed a bit of Ian McKellen's shameful and unnecessary scenery chewing, but I think I got the gist of it. To me, the best part was the fact that Tom Hanks decided to play his character as an enormous asshole. I also liked the way Audrey Tatou played her character as a semi-retarded version of Amelie. An acting masterclass, to be sure.
I suppose I also ought to say something about Michael Phelps. (He is holding his breath for it, I assure you.) Of course it's really great and all to win so many gold medals, but it can't fix your teeth or anything. And how come we always see his mother but never his father? Are they hiding the fact that his dad was a dolphin?
It is not easy to have a such a great mind, I assure you.
Incredibly, I forgot to mention that I saw The Da Vinci Code the movie. Or rather, I saw about three fifths of it. The DVD we got from Netflix kept freezing up about halfway through and, rather than wait for a new one, we just skipped ahead to the point where it stopped freezing up. So I missed a bit of Ian McKellen's shameful and unnecessary scenery chewing, but I think I got the gist of it. To me, the best part was the fact that Tom Hanks decided to play his character as an enormous asshole. I also liked the way Audrey Tatou played her character as a semi-retarded version of Amelie. An acting masterclass, to be sure.
I suppose I also ought to say something about Michael Phelps. (He is holding his breath for it, I assure you.) Of course it's really great and all to win so many gold medals, but it can't fix your teeth or anything. And how come we always see his mother but never his father? Are they hiding the fact that his dad was a dolphin?
It is not easy to have a such a great mind, I assure you.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Foreign Concepts
I am watching the women's springboard diving finals from the Olympics right now and I am somewhat surprised at just how boring someone flipping through the air can be. I guess part of it is how fast it goes -- every dive just kind of looks like a blur to me. Also I think my newfound jingoism is playing something of a role; the U.S. women are not exactly tearing it up here. I have decided that all people from other countries are somehow backwards and wrong. Isn't that what the Olympics are all about?
On a similar note, I visited the Art Institute yesterday for a special exhibit of art from Benin. It was all well and good but I felt like a lot of it kind of looked the same. Apparently they didn't have Impressionism and Modernism in Benin. They did have the plus of making a lot of their art out of pretty metals, though, which I appreciate. Matisse didn't work in gold nearly often enough.
On a completely unrelated note, my sister and I are engaged in a battle over the air conditioner. (A "cold war," perhaps? Ha ha!) I like to turn it way up and force her to wander around wrapped in a blanket; she likes to turn it off so I have to sweat it out. I may well have to break her little hands.
I am watching the women's springboard diving finals from the Olympics right now and I am somewhat surprised at just how boring someone flipping through the air can be. I guess part of it is how fast it goes -- every dive just kind of looks like a blur to me. Also I think my newfound jingoism is playing something of a role; the U.S. women are not exactly tearing it up here. I have decided that all people from other countries are somehow backwards and wrong. Isn't that what the Olympics are all about?
On a similar note, I visited the Art Institute yesterday for a special exhibit of art from Benin. It was all well and good but I felt like a lot of it kind of looked the same. Apparently they didn't have Impressionism and Modernism in Benin. They did have the plus of making a lot of their art out of pretty metals, though, which I appreciate. Matisse didn't work in gold nearly often enough.
On a completely unrelated note, my sister and I are engaged in a battle over the air conditioner. (A "cold war," perhaps? Ha ha!) I like to turn it way up and force her to wander around wrapped in a blanket; she likes to turn it off so I have to sweat it out. I may well have to break her little hands.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Bad Habits
I have recently rediscovered all of those stupid games that come bundled on your PC. Freecell, minesweeper, mahjongg, you name it. On Saturday I spent at least an hour clicking on the little tiles on my screen, and it turns out I now completely suck. Another law school skill that has completely dissipated with disuse.
I also managed to cut my finger open with a wine opener last night. It was one of those cuts that looks like it's just a little nick at first and then starts spurting out blood like crazy. That's especially bad when you're serving red wine. And it was my contact-inserting and mouse-clicking finger, so I'm pretty much out of commission for a while. I should try to get a helper monkey.
I have recently rediscovered all of those stupid games that come bundled on your PC. Freecell, minesweeper, mahjongg, you name it. On Saturday I spent at least an hour clicking on the little tiles on my screen, and it turns out I now completely suck. Another law school skill that has completely dissipated with disuse.
I also managed to cut my finger open with a wine opener last night. It was one of those cuts that looks like it's just a little nick at first and then starts spurting out blood like crazy. That's especially bad when you're serving red wine. And it was my contact-inserting and mouse-clicking finger, so I'm pretty much out of commission for a while. I should try to get a helper monkey.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Moving Day
So I found out yesterday that I will be changing offices for the fourth time in the three years since I joined my current firm. I think this is great news, because I love having enormous hirsute men paw through all of my personal belongings. Also, I think it's great to have all of my files randomly mixed together and thrown up on the shelves in some new and exciting order. I was thinking about throwing them into a thresher just for the thrill of it, so this should save me some trouble.
I do get to stay with my current secretary, though, so that's a blessing. I think after four secretaries you go on some sort of Secretary Watch List where they check to make sure you're not beating them or anything. Lisa is actually more upset about the move than I am; she's afraid they're going to make her sit next to another secretary, and she doesn't want to have to make small talk all the time. I know how she feels.
My biggest concern is probably that my plant will somehow die in the transition. It's done unusually well for a plant kept by me, and I'd hate to see that streak come to an end.
So I found out yesterday that I will be changing offices for the fourth time in the three years since I joined my current firm. I think this is great news, because I love having enormous hirsute men paw through all of my personal belongings. Also, I think it's great to have all of my files randomly mixed together and thrown up on the shelves in some new and exciting order. I was thinking about throwing them into a thresher just for the thrill of it, so this should save me some trouble.
I do get to stay with my current secretary, though, so that's a blessing. I think after four secretaries you go on some sort of Secretary Watch List where they check to make sure you're not beating them or anything. Lisa is actually more upset about the move than I am; she's afraid they're going to make her sit next to another secretary, and she doesn't want to have to make small talk all the time. I know how she feels.
My biggest concern is probably that my plant will somehow die in the transition. It's done unusually well for a plant kept by me, and I'd hate to see that streak come to an end.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Decoded
Every glorious era in the history of man must eventually come to an end, and so I have finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Of course, I cried for about six hours when it was over. It just seems so unfair to me that I will never again be able to enjoy these marvelous characters -- Robert, Sophie, Silas -- for the first time. No doubt I can reread it again and again and again, each time accessing deeper layers of meaning and decoding additional symbol, but never again will I get that thrill of discovery. I guess I will have to console myself with Ron Howard's cinematic masterpiece of the same name.
Luckily I have a new obsession in the newly opened Olympics. Today I watched two tiny Chinese ladies hit a volleyball and hug each other for an hour and a half. I squinted at a pool from about ten yards away for a couple hours trying to decode the men's water polo matchup. I even watched the badminton match over on MSNBC. I mean, who cares about human rights when there are medals to be won!
I guess the bottom line of all this is that I have serious problems. Please, I beg you to pray for me.
Every glorious era in the history of man must eventually come to an end, and so I have finished reading The Da Vinci Code. Of course, I cried for about six hours when it was over. It just seems so unfair to me that I will never again be able to enjoy these marvelous characters -- Robert, Sophie, Silas -- for the first time. No doubt I can reread it again and again and again, each time accessing deeper layers of meaning and decoding additional symbol, but never again will I get that thrill of discovery. I guess I will have to console myself with Ron Howard's cinematic masterpiece of the same name.
Luckily I have a new obsession in the newly opened Olympics. Today I watched two tiny Chinese ladies hit a volleyball and hug each other for an hour and a half. I squinted at a pool from about ten yards away for a couple hours trying to decode the men's water polo matchup. I even watched the badminton match over on MSNBC. I mean, who cares about human rights when there are medals to be won!
I guess the bottom line of all this is that I have serious problems. Please, I beg you to pray for me.
Friday, August 08, 2008
The Da Vinci Code Quote of the Day
"It had all begun as a holy cause. A brilliantly crafted scheme. Now, like a house of cards, it was collapsing in on itself . . . and the end was nowhere in sight."
"It had all begun as a holy cause. A brilliantly crafted scheme. Now, like a house of cards, it was collapsing in on itself . . . and the end was nowhere in sight."
Thursday, August 07, 2008
The Da Vinci Code Quote of the Day
"Langdon sighed. College men were still boys."
"Langdon sighed. College men were still boys."
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
The Da Vinci Code Quote of the Day
"Even a trained field agent would be lucky to withstand the pressure that Interpol was about to apply. A female cryptologist and a schoolteacher? They wouldn't last till dawn."
"Even a trained field agent would be lucky to withstand the pressure that Interpol was about to apply. A female cryptologist and a schoolteacher? They wouldn't last till dawn."
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
The Da Vinci Code Quote of the Day
"A follower of God, Sister Sandrine had learned to find peace in the calming voices of her own soul. Tonight, however, those voices were as silent as the empty church around her."
"A follower of God, Sister Sandrine had learned to find peace in the calming voices of her own soul. Tonight, however, those voices were as silent as the empty church around her."
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Snapped
I'm reaching into my photo vault again for some summer good times, many of which may show up amusingly small.
Here we are at the Cubs game. Not that you can really tell there's a Cubs game going on. That's what's so awesome about the skyboxes.
After the game, I decided to drink my beer out of a tiny Cubs hat. And I told everyone it was my Communion. Who says God is dead?
This is from our annual trip to Union Pier, Michigan. It's my knee at sunset. I don't think it's ever looked more lovely.
I'm reaching into my photo vault again for some summer good times, many of which may show up amusingly small.
Here we are at the Cubs game. Not that you can really tell there's a Cubs game going on. That's what's so awesome about the skyboxes.
After the game, I decided to drink my beer out of a tiny Cubs hat. And I told everyone it was my Communion. Who says God is dead?
This is from our annual trip to Union Pier, Michigan. It's my knee at sunset. I don't think it's ever looked more lovely.Saturday, August 02, 2008
Welcome to the Jungle
I just finished reading The Jungle. Yes, I did read big chunks of it in 8th grade for history class, but I figured I would give the whole thing a shot and see how it works as a novel, as opposed to just a bunch of scary stories about how they make meat. It was definitely kind of a depressing slog, what with all the death, dismemberment, and moral degradation. (All of which was proudly forecast on the book jacket.) I mean, it's not enough just for family members to die, they have to be eaten by rats or dissolved by acid. And then the last few chapters are essentially a big essay on the triumph of socialism. We all know how that worked out.
But now, in what is probably the most exciting news of all time, I am reading The DaVinci Code. I am only about fifty pages in, but I'm pretty sure it has already changed my life. For one thing, I have learned about fifty synonyms for "dark." Also I now understand that it is perfectly appropriate to launch into a two-page speech about the sacred feminine in the middle of a conversation. I will certainly keep you all posted as I read. There are sure to be lots of important personal developments.
I just finished reading The Jungle. Yes, I did read big chunks of it in 8th grade for history class, but I figured I would give the whole thing a shot and see how it works as a novel, as opposed to just a bunch of scary stories about how they make meat. It was definitely kind of a depressing slog, what with all the death, dismemberment, and moral degradation. (All of which was proudly forecast on the book jacket.) I mean, it's not enough just for family members to die, they have to be eaten by rats or dissolved by acid. And then the last few chapters are essentially a big essay on the triumph of socialism. We all know how that worked out.
But now, in what is probably the most exciting news of all time, I am reading The DaVinci Code. I am only about fifty pages in, but I'm pretty sure it has already changed my life. For one thing, I have learned about fifty synonyms for "dark." Also I now understand that it is perfectly appropriate to launch into a two-page speech about the sacred feminine in the middle of a conversation. I will certainly keep you all posted as I read. There are sure to be lots of important personal developments.
