Sunday, December 30, 2012
2012: The Year in Review
What a crazy year it was, huh? Here are some of my personal highlights:
-- Discovering Tiny Tower on my iPhone, thus enabling myself to withdraw from the real world completely.
-- Melanie Griffith showing up at the Golden Globes looking like Carol Burnett.
-- The following line being uttered in Drew Peterson: Untouchable: "Drew just pushed me into the TV. Want to help me make Margaritas?"
-- The lady from the first floor leaving an angry note for deliverymen about how the buzzer wakes up her babies. Um, are they supposed to stand in the front yard and wave their arms until you notice they are there?
-- Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit sweeping the Oscars.
-- Painkillers.
-- HBO's 10,000th airing of Catwoman.
-- The Warren Littlefield book about Must-See TV Thursdays on NBC in the '90s. Worth it for the Debra Messing anecdotes alone.
-- While cleaning out my old office, finding a file folder containing two McDonald's bags with pictures of Apolo Anton Ohno on them.
-- Getting momentarily stuck in an extreme waterslide in the Dells.
-- Falling in love with America's Olympians, and then immediately forgetting all about them.
-- Drinking large margaritas in New York; failing to realize I could do that here.
-- Election season finally ending, at least for two months or so.
-- Lindsay Lohan's wigs from Liz & Dick.
-- The return of paper towels to my office's bathrooms.
What a crazy year it was, huh? Here are some of my personal highlights:
-- Discovering Tiny Tower on my iPhone, thus enabling myself to withdraw from the real world completely.
-- Melanie Griffith showing up at the Golden Globes looking like Carol Burnett.
-- The following line being uttered in Drew Peterson: Untouchable: "Drew just pushed me into the TV. Want to help me make Margaritas?"
-- The lady from the first floor leaving an angry note for deliverymen about how the buzzer wakes up her babies. Um, are they supposed to stand in the front yard and wave their arms until you notice they are there?
-- Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit sweeping the Oscars.
-- Painkillers.
-- HBO's 10,000th airing of Catwoman.
-- The Warren Littlefield book about Must-See TV Thursdays on NBC in the '90s. Worth it for the Debra Messing anecdotes alone.
-- While cleaning out my old office, finding a file folder containing two McDonald's bags with pictures of Apolo Anton Ohno on them.
-- Getting momentarily stuck in an extreme waterslide in the Dells.
-- Falling in love with America's Olympians, and then immediately forgetting all about them.
-- Drinking large margaritas in New York; failing to realize I could do that here.
-- Election season finally ending, at least for two months or so.
-- Lindsay Lohan's wigs from Liz & Dick.
-- The return of paper towels to my office's bathrooms.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Time Flies
So I am heading back to Chicago tomorrow morning. I really can't believe how fast this break has gone by. It seems like just yesterday that I was packing at least three too many pairs of shoes, downing an ill-advised Cantina Bell burrito, and getting in the car to head down here. Where did all the time go?
I guess three hours or so did go to The Hobbit, which was okay. It did not recapture the magic of LOTR -- when America embraced dorkhood -- for me. For one thing, I had a very hard time telling the difference between all of the dwarves. They should have given them all names that describe some of their distinguishing traits, like in Snow White. Of course, they probably would have ended up with dwarves named Boring and Superfluous, then. The effects were kind of great, but is it weird to say that after a while you feel like if you've seen one orc you've seen them all? And I'm still a Gollum fan; he reminds me of some of my former coworkers.
I also spent a fair amount of time at the gym, doing my utmost to utterly destroy my knees before winter slipping and falling season begins in earnest. Yesterday I actually decided to do a swim to give the aforementioned knees a bit of a break. I was sort of worried about running into someone I know while topless and comparatively pantsless, but I put dismissed that is irrational -- who do I even know here any more? So of course I ran into three people I knew the minute I stepped out onto the pool deck in my non-matching flip flops. The joke is on them, though, as they immediately went blind from the glare off of my pasty white skin.
And then there was a shameful amount of time spent on a puzzle. My parents got it for me for Christmas, what can I say? It's actually nice to have enough free time in my life to be able to indulge them again.
I'm not quite ready to get back into real life again, I have to say it.
So I am heading back to Chicago tomorrow morning. I really can't believe how fast this break has gone by. It seems like just yesterday that I was packing at least three too many pairs of shoes, downing an ill-advised Cantina Bell burrito, and getting in the car to head down here. Where did all the time go?
I guess three hours or so did go to The Hobbit, which was okay. It did not recapture the magic of LOTR -- when America embraced dorkhood -- for me. For one thing, I had a very hard time telling the difference between all of the dwarves. They should have given them all names that describe some of their distinguishing traits, like in Snow White. Of course, they probably would have ended up with dwarves named Boring and Superfluous, then. The effects were kind of great, but is it weird to say that after a while you feel like if you've seen one orc you've seen them all? And I'm still a Gollum fan; he reminds me of some of my former coworkers.
I also spent a fair amount of time at the gym, doing my utmost to utterly destroy my knees before winter slipping and falling season begins in earnest. Yesterday I actually decided to do a swim to give the aforementioned knees a bit of a break. I was sort of worried about running into someone I know while topless and comparatively pantsless, but I put dismissed that is irrational -- who do I even know here any more? So of course I ran into three people I knew the minute I stepped out onto the pool deck in my non-matching flip flops. The joke is on them, though, as they immediately went blind from the glare off of my pasty white skin.
And then there was a shameful amount of time spent on a puzzle. My parents got it for me for Christmas, what can I say? It's actually nice to have enough free time in my life to be able to indulge them again.
I'm not quite ready to get back into real life again, I have to say it.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
The Incredible Journey
In what can only be described as an amazing feat of endurance, I visited no fewer than seven local discount stores today. Don't ask me why; the holidays make us all insane. The adventure started at TJ Maxx, America's home for half-price hot pants and extra xes. I did not find what I needed, but also did not run into any former high school teachers, so I count this one as a win. I then stopped at Kohl's, America's favorite store that happens to be next door to TJ Maxx, where I became hopelessly lost in a sea of synthetic fabrics, started to have a panic attack, and had to bolt for my car. As a palate cleanser, I visited Farm & Home Supply, to which I had never previously been. I'll admit that I had sort of imagined a souped up version of an old-timey general store, where a crotchety old man would try to sell me a yolk of oxen while his comely daughter plied me with fresh baked goods, but it was really just kind of a Wal Mart with lots of fishing poles. So it was on to K-Mart, where I somehow managed to avoid the temptations of the Little Caesar's Pizza Station and make my first actual purchases of the day. I was hectored for not having a K-Mart value card, but it's a small price to pay, I suppose. Big Lots was next and was perhaps one of the more frightening shopping experiences I've ever had. They were stripping out all the Christmas merchandise and it sort of looked like they were being robbed. Also, the store featured large swathes of industrial-sized juice drinks and scratched and dented cans of beans. Then there was Hobby Lobby, which I've never before visited without some kind of hot-glue-gun type project being involved. There were too many people in there wearing too many track suits, so I had to get right out. My final stop was Shopko, where I finally found the rest of what I needed. I got no beef with Shopko. Well, the checkout lady got into an exceedingly long conversation with the lady in front of me in line, which lasted well past the time their actual transaction was completed, but I'll let it slide this time.
In what can only be described as an amazing feat of endurance, I visited no fewer than seven local discount stores today. Don't ask me why; the holidays make us all insane. The adventure started at TJ Maxx, America's home for half-price hot pants and extra xes. I did not find what I needed, but also did not run into any former high school teachers, so I count this one as a win. I then stopped at Kohl's, America's favorite store that happens to be next door to TJ Maxx, where I became hopelessly lost in a sea of synthetic fabrics, started to have a panic attack, and had to bolt for my car. As a palate cleanser, I visited Farm & Home Supply, to which I had never previously been. I'll admit that I had sort of imagined a souped up version of an old-timey general store, where a crotchety old man would try to sell me a yolk of oxen while his comely daughter plied me with fresh baked goods, but it was really just kind of a Wal Mart with lots of fishing poles. So it was on to K-Mart, where I somehow managed to avoid the temptations of the Little Caesar's Pizza Station and make my first actual purchases of the day. I was hectored for not having a K-Mart value card, but it's a small price to pay, I suppose. Big Lots was next and was perhaps one of the more frightening shopping experiences I've ever had. They were stripping out all the Christmas merchandise and it sort of looked like they were being robbed. Also, the store featured large swathes of industrial-sized juice drinks and scratched and dented cans of beans. Then there was Hobby Lobby, which I've never before visited without some kind of hot-glue-gun type project being involved. There were too many people in there wearing too many track suits, so I had to get right out. My final stop was Shopko, where I finally found the rest of what I needed. I got no beef with Shopko. Well, the checkout lady got into an exceedingly long conversation with the lady in front of me in line, which lasted well past the time their actual transaction was completed, but I'll let it slide this time.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas to All
After a couple of thousand years in this business, don’t you think it’s time for the holidays to get a makeover? I mean, Madonna reinvents herself regularly (I hear next she’s going to be a playful meerkat) and she’s only half that old. I say we replace Santa with, say, Bai Ling, and the Christmas tree with an app that allows you to predict the exact age at which Jennifer Aniston will die alone. Maybe we can get Hannukah some sort of product tie-in, like a $5 footlong that unexpectedly lasts for eight days. And don’t you feel like Kwanzaa could use some sexy teen vampires? I’m not saying that Maya Angelou has personally approved this plan or anything, but she definitely hasn’t had me arrested for repeatedly going through her trash, either. Apparently the caged bird sings because it plows through a minimum of three bags of Funyuns each week, if you know what I mean.
But of course any effort to rebrand the holidays would be met with staunch opposition, probably from the same nutjobs who are always telling me “the office is no place for a high octane rap battle” or “sir, if you want to stay for Act II of High School Musical On Ice, you will have to put your top back on.” There’s always going to be some crazy traditionalist demanding that we not replace “Silent Night” with “Gangnam Style” or cast Katherine Heigl as the baby Jesus (save her for the crucifixion scenes, seriously). And the truth is that our traditions really do have value, if not always entertainment value. Singing Christmas carols with your family may not win you any Latin Grammys, but it will bring you closer together, if only because there’s only one microphone on the Fisher-Price Star Stage. Exchanging gifts with your coworkers may not get you those Liz & Dick action figures you’ve been hankering for, but pretending to be delighted as you unwrap the three-pack of off-brand transparent tape they got you builds character. And sure, that misshapen rust-colored holiday sweater your Aunt Enid knitted for you may not be fashionable enough for Project Runway, but didn’t that show stop being good after about the third season, anyway?
Traditions are our constants in a world that is full of change, both good (Emma Stone subbing in for Lindsay Lohan as go-to redhead) and bad (someone named Vera Farmiga becoming even vaguely famous). For my part, I left my law firm this year to pursue a career in state government, where my cases are all fascinating due to the presence of dead bodies, but the bathrooms are decidedly lacking in paper towels. I said goodbye to my 100-year-old grandmother, whose thorough explications of The Young & The Restless and compelling tales of people named Dot and Chubb surviving the Depression and loving it will no doubt live on forever. And I started writing and performing again, which has of course been great news for anyone who likes Carrot Top, but thinks he’s just a bit too cerebral. So I’m glad to come back to my traditions, and no, I am not using “traditions” as a euphemism for “binge drinking.”
In fact, as traditions go, holiday traditions are some of my favorites, alongside the casual racism of Cinco de Mayo and the In Memoriam applause contest at the Oscars. It’s nice to take time each year to let all of our friends and family know how great they are, even if it generally does mean a fifteen-pound weight gain and a shouting match with your Uncle Tim about federalism. So good luck out there, and here’s wishing you happy holidays and a great 2013!
After a couple of thousand years in this business, don’t you think it’s time for the holidays to get a makeover? I mean, Madonna reinvents herself regularly (I hear next she’s going to be a playful meerkat) and she’s only half that old. I say we replace Santa with, say, Bai Ling, and the Christmas tree with an app that allows you to predict the exact age at which Jennifer Aniston will die alone. Maybe we can get Hannukah some sort of product tie-in, like a $5 footlong that unexpectedly lasts for eight days. And don’t you feel like Kwanzaa could use some sexy teen vampires? I’m not saying that Maya Angelou has personally approved this plan or anything, but she definitely hasn’t had me arrested for repeatedly going through her trash, either. Apparently the caged bird sings because it plows through a minimum of three bags of Funyuns each week, if you know what I mean.
But of course any effort to rebrand the holidays would be met with staunch opposition, probably from the same nutjobs who are always telling me “the office is no place for a high octane rap battle” or “sir, if you want to stay for Act II of High School Musical On Ice, you will have to put your top back on.” There’s always going to be some crazy traditionalist demanding that we not replace “Silent Night” with “Gangnam Style” or cast Katherine Heigl as the baby Jesus (save her for the crucifixion scenes, seriously). And the truth is that our traditions really do have value, if not always entertainment value. Singing Christmas carols with your family may not win you any Latin Grammys, but it will bring you closer together, if only because there’s only one microphone on the Fisher-Price Star Stage. Exchanging gifts with your coworkers may not get you those Liz & Dick action figures you’ve been hankering for, but pretending to be delighted as you unwrap the three-pack of off-brand transparent tape they got you builds character. And sure, that misshapen rust-colored holiday sweater your Aunt Enid knitted for you may not be fashionable enough for Project Runway, but didn’t that show stop being good after about the third season, anyway?
Traditions are our constants in a world that is full of change, both good (Emma Stone subbing in for Lindsay Lohan as go-to redhead) and bad (someone named Vera Farmiga becoming even vaguely famous). For my part, I left my law firm this year to pursue a career in state government, where my cases are all fascinating due to the presence of dead bodies, but the bathrooms are decidedly lacking in paper towels. I said goodbye to my 100-year-old grandmother, whose thorough explications of The Young & The Restless and compelling tales of people named Dot and Chubb surviving the Depression and loving it will no doubt live on forever. And I started writing and performing again, which has of course been great news for anyone who likes Carrot Top, but thinks he’s just a bit too cerebral. So I’m glad to come back to my traditions, and no, I am not using “traditions” as a euphemism for “binge drinking.”
In fact, as traditions go, holiday traditions are some of my favorites, alongside the casual racism of Cinco de Mayo and the In Memoriam applause contest at the Oscars. It’s nice to take time each year to let all of our friends and family know how great they are, even if it generally does mean a fifteen-pound weight gain and a shouting match with your Uncle Tim about federalism. So good luck out there, and here’s wishing you happy holidays and a great 2013!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Ghosts of Christmases Past
Today I discovered the music channels on my parents' cable. Since they make an excellent alternative to the Mythbusters and Monk reruns that are par for the course around here, I decided to partake. The great part is that they have songs arranged by decade, which allowed me to relive the era of high-waisted jeans and peasant blouses (although not for me, obviously) as well as the '00s, which I don't think are really the era of anything yet. (The era of Guantanamo? American Idol? But I repeat myself.) It was quite an experience. I mean, remember the swing craze of the late '90s? I actually rode to U of I in someone's van on a Saturday night once just to attend a swing dance at the student union, which ended up being nearly over by the time we got there, so we just drank instead. Ah, memories. Or what about ska? I remember that we tried to get the Mighty Mighty Bosstones to come play at Millikin once, but they didn't, so we just drank instead. And then there was Lilith Fair. Yeah, I never really much cared for Lilith Fair.
They also have retro Christmas jams. Do you remember where you were the first time you heard Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You? I certainly don't, but chances are I was serving as a historically-costumed guide for the local architecture museum at the time. Or checking coats for the holiday event at the John Wood mansion as part of the QHS beta club. Or getting ready to perform a medley of B-side Christmas songs like "It's a Marshmallow World" with the QHS show choir. I had a very rich childhood, obviously. I can, however, tell you exactly where I was when I first heard Mariah Carey's "Oh Santa." I was watching it on demand in my living room, trying to figure out how exactly Mariah Carey allows something like that to happen to herself. I guess the holidays do weird things to all of us.
Today I discovered the music channels on my parents' cable. Since they make an excellent alternative to the Mythbusters and Monk reruns that are par for the course around here, I decided to partake. The great part is that they have songs arranged by decade, which allowed me to relive the era of high-waisted jeans and peasant blouses (although not for me, obviously) as well as the '00s, which I don't think are really the era of anything yet. (The era of Guantanamo? American Idol? But I repeat myself.) It was quite an experience. I mean, remember the swing craze of the late '90s? I actually rode to U of I in someone's van on a Saturday night once just to attend a swing dance at the student union, which ended up being nearly over by the time we got there, so we just drank instead. Ah, memories. Or what about ska? I remember that we tried to get the Mighty Mighty Bosstones to come play at Millikin once, but they didn't, so we just drank instead. And then there was Lilith Fair. Yeah, I never really much cared for Lilith Fair.
They also have retro Christmas jams. Do you remember where you were the first time you heard Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You? I certainly don't, but chances are I was serving as a historically-costumed guide for the local architecture museum at the time. Or checking coats for the holiday event at the John Wood mansion as part of the QHS beta club. Or getting ready to perform a medley of B-side Christmas songs like "It's a Marshmallow World" with the QHS show choir. I had a very rich childhood, obviously. I can, however, tell you exactly where I was when I first heard Mariah Carey's "Oh Santa." I was watching it on demand in my living room, trying to figure out how exactly Mariah Carey allows something like that to happen to herself. I guess the holidays do weird things to all of us.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Home for the Holidays
Well, I am back in Quincy. Tonight, my parents ordered a medium Pizza Hut pizza to feed four people. (We got two slices each. I am planning to eat my hand later.) Then they spent an hour and a half arguing about how to plug the Wii into their Michael Scott-sized flat screen TV. (It still runs in black and white for some reason.) Now they are sitting in the living room and talking about curricula while my sister and I hide in our electronic devices. Also, it is cold. I'm wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and fleece-lined slippers. I apologize for how sexy it just got in here.
Our holiday plans are not too intense. We've got church at some point (avoiding the children's choir will be key) and we will go out to eat. We're also going to see The Hobbit, which will likely give me nightmares with all of its dwarf-related content. It's not the size so much as the grizzled facial features. I have the same problem with Kristen Stewart.
I have to admit that it somehow does not feel like Christmas this year. And no, I really don't know what that means. But I guess I feel pretty good about the fact that I retained the magic of Christmas until almost 35. At this point, I kind of just want to drink a free Diet Mountain Dew and play SongPop.
Well, I am back in Quincy. Tonight, my parents ordered a medium Pizza Hut pizza to feed four people. (We got two slices each. I am planning to eat my hand later.) Then they spent an hour and a half arguing about how to plug the Wii into their Michael Scott-sized flat screen TV. (It still runs in black and white for some reason.) Now they are sitting in the living room and talking about curricula while my sister and I hide in our electronic devices. Also, it is cold. I'm wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and fleece-lined slippers. I apologize for how sexy it just got in here.
Our holiday plans are not too intense. We've got church at some point (avoiding the children's choir will be key) and we will go out to eat. We're also going to see The Hobbit, which will likely give me nightmares with all of its dwarf-related content. It's not the size so much as the grizzled facial features. I have the same problem with Kristen Stewart.
I have to admit that it somehow does not feel like Christmas this year. And no, I really don't know what that means. But I guess I feel pretty good about the fact that I retained the magic of Christmas until almost 35. At this point, I kind of just want to drink a free Diet Mountain Dew and play SongPop.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
In Brief
There was an amazing holiday movie on ABC Family the other day: Holiday in Handcuffs starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. I'm behind the curve on this one; I believe it was a 2007 release. Anyway, it's insane. Sabrina kidnaps Slater and gunpoint and forces him to pretend to be her boyfriend to impress her parents at their holiday festivities at a remote cabin in the woods. Eventually they fall in love, of course. There's an ice skating sequence where it appears they put an Asian person into a blond wig to be MJH's double. The cell phones are all comically large. ML seems to be playing his character as gay for some reason. Oh, and MJH is supposed to be an artist; think Thomas Kinkade with a wonky eye. Anyway, it's magical.
Also, we somehow have paper towels in our bathrooms at work again. I'm not sure if it's a Christmas miracle or just a capitulation to the constant bitching, but it's actually kind of weird. I've gotten kind of used to the world's loudest hand driers.
Yesterday was my last day at the office before my holiday break. It was kind of like the last day before break back in junior high; I couldn't concentrate and I ate a whole bunch of candy. If only we could have gone the route of my eighth grade German teacher and just watched a badly dubbed version of Beauty & The Beast instead of doing anything substantive.
There was an amazing holiday movie on ABC Family the other day: Holiday in Handcuffs starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. I'm behind the curve on this one; I believe it was a 2007 release. Anyway, it's insane. Sabrina kidnaps Slater and gunpoint and forces him to pretend to be her boyfriend to impress her parents at their holiday festivities at a remote cabin in the woods. Eventually they fall in love, of course. There's an ice skating sequence where it appears they put an Asian person into a blond wig to be MJH's double. The cell phones are all comically large. ML seems to be playing his character as gay for some reason. Oh, and MJH is supposed to be an artist; think Thomas Kinkade with a wonky eye. Anyway, it's magical.
Also, we somehow have paper towels in our bathrooms at work again. I'm not sure if it's a Christmas miracle or just a capitulation to the constant bitching, but it's actually kind of weird. I've gotten kind of used to the world's loudest hand driers.
Yesterday was my last day at the office before my holiday break. It was kind of like the last day before break back in junior high; I couldn't concentrate and I ate a whole bunch of candy. If only we could have gone the route of my eighth grade German teacher and just watched a badly dubbed version of Beauty & The Beast instead of doing anything substantive.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Still a Crazy Person
I'm having weird episodes where I get randomly stressed about things that don't matter. For instance, today I agonized for nearly half an hour over whether my motion, draft order, and certificate of service should be filed as one big PDF or several smaller ones. I finally called to ask someone more senior what the protocol was and it turned out the protocol was no one caring about something so insignificant and stupid. I really do have to remind myself that I'm not working at a place where someone's going to yell at me about the indentation of a signature block any more.
I also had a meeting today with some supervisors about a brief I'm working on and I prepped for that thing like it was the SAT and the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom all rolled into one. (Except with fewer analogies and combovers.) I knew it was stupid to worry even at the time, but I kept imagining myself not knowing the answer to some question about the statute and everyone looking at me like "where the hell did we find this guy?" And when the meeting turned out to be pleasant chit chat and genuinely helpful ideas presented in a nonthreatening and nonjudgmental way, well, I almost didn't know what to do with myself.
It is getting better, though. I'm not losing sleep any more. Well, not because of stress. Just because there are so goddamn many amazing Lifetime holiday movies to watch.
I'm having weird episodes where I get randomly stressed about things that don't matter. For instance, today I agonized for nearly half an hour over whether my motion, draft order, and certificate of service should be filed as one big PDF or several smaller ones. I finally called to ask someone more senior what the protocol was and it turned out the protocol was no one caring about something so insignificant and stupid. I really do have to remind myself that I'm not working at a place where someone's going to yell at me about the indentation of a signature block any more.
I also had a meeting today with some supervisors about a brief I'm working on and I prepped for that thing like it was the SAT and the Celebrity Apprentice boardroom all rolled into one. (Except with fewer analogies and combovers.) I knew it was stupid to worry even at the time, but I kept imagining myself not knowing the answer to some question about the statute and everyone looking at me like "where the hell did we find this guy?" And when the meeting turned out to be pleasant chit chat and genuinely helpful ideas presented in a nonthreatening and nonjudgmental way, well, I almost didn't know what to do with myself.
It is getting better, though. I'm not losing sleep any more. Well, not because of stress. Just because there are so goddamn many amazing Lifetime holiday movies to watch.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
That '70s Show
I finally saw Argo this afternoon. We actually selected a matinee showing several months after the release date to try to accommodate my recent irrational fear of movie theaters, but it was, astonishingly, still rather crowded. Apparently Ben Affleck has some box office legs. Regardless, I managed to stay pretty calm, swept away in the loving embrace of late '70s/early '80s hairstyles and glasses.
There was a lot to enjoy. The (allegedly true) story is pretty compelling and all the acting was good. I did think it was a little much that they had Iranian forces literally chasing them down the runway (spoiler alerts don't apply several months into the run), but by and large it didn't go too over the top. And it flew by -- I only checked my phone twice, and both times were after the hour and a half mark!
I do think it's too bad that Ben doesn't cast Matt more. I thought the whole thing back in the '90s was that they were supposed to be a package deal. They had sort of a Sam and Diane thing, but without Rhea Perlman screeching in the background. And how can Ben sleep at night knowing he could have prevented We Bought A Zoo but did nothing?
I briefly hatched a plan to grow a Ben Affleck-like beard this afternoon, but was quickly reminded of the laughable fruits of my last such effort, leading to said plan's hasty abortion.
I finally saw Argo this afternoon. We actually selected a matinee showing several months after the release date to try to accommodate my recent irrational fear of movie theaters, but it was, astonishingly, still rather crowded. Apparently Ben Affleck has some box office legs. Regardless, I managed to stay pretty calm, swept away in the loving embrace of late '70s/early '80s hairstyles and glasses.
There was a lot to enjoy. The (allegedly true) story is pretty compelling and all the acting was good. I did think it was a little much that they had Iranian forces literally chasing them down the runway (spoiler alerts don't apply several months into the run), but by and large it didn't go too over the top. And it flew by -- I only checked my phone twice, and both times were after the hour and a half mark!
I do think it's too bad that Ben doesn't cast Matt more. I thought the whole thing back in the '90s was that they were supposed to be a package deal. They had sort of a Sam and Diane thing, but without Rhea Perlman screeching in the background. And how can Ben sleep at night knowing he could have prevented We Bought A Zoo but did nothing?
I briefly hatched a plan to grow a Ben Affleck-like beard this afternoon, but was quickly reminded of the laughable fruits of my last such effort, leading to said plan's hasty abortion.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
So Much Evil in the World
The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and Lindsay Lohan was not honored for her work in Liz & Dick. Incidentally, Liz & Dick was going to be the title of my memoir detailing my years with Roommate Liz, but then Lifetime beat me to it. I'm thinking about going with Liz & Penis instead.
But anyway, to the business at hand: what an incredible injustice! Does the Hollywood Foreign Press not realize the incredible effort it took simply for LiLo to remain upright for long enough to film a feature-length movie? Not to mention conscious? And all the time she spent working with scientists to develop an accent that didn't sound like anything in particular except maybe Lindsay Lohan after having dental work performed. I mean, if they couldn't nominate her for Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie, what about other categories? Is there a Best Chain Smoking category? What about Most Realistic Trashing of Hotel Room?
And to see who they did nominate is just shocking. Helen Mirren? Please! That bitch couldn't act her way through an Imodium commercial after eating three bags of Taco Bell. Judi Dench? Has she ever even had a hit single? And don't even get me started on Maggie Smith. She knows what she did.
Our only hope now is that she'll show up anyway and somehow end up in a coke brawl with Sally Field. I'd like that; I'd really like that.
The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and Lindsay Lohan was not honored for her work in Liz & Dick. Incidentally, Liz & Dick was going to be the title of my memoir detailing my years with Roommate Liz, but then Lifetime beat me to it. I'm thinking about going with Liz & Penis instead.
But anyway, to the business at hand: what an incredible injustice! Does the Hollywood Foreign Press not realize the incredible effort it took simply for LiLo to remain upright for long enough to film a feature-length movie? Not to mention conscious? And all the time she spent working with scientists to develop an accent that didn't sound like anything in particular except maybe Lindsay Lohan after having dental work performed. I mean, if they couldn't nominate her for Best Actress in a TV Miniseries or Movie, what about other categories? Is there a Best Chain Smoking category? What about Most Realistic Trashing of Hotel Room?
And to see who they did nominate is just shocking. Helen Mirren? Please! That bitch couldn't act her way through an Imodium commercial after eating three bags of Taco Bell. Judi Dench? Has she ever even had a hit single? And don't even get me started on Maggie Smith. She knows what she did.
Our only hope now is that she'll show up anyway and somehow end up in a coke brawl with Sally Field. I'd like that; I'd really like that.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Coyote, Ugly
This Saturday I came home from the gym to the world's worst episode of CSI:
Yes, it appears that a pigeon bit it next to our side door. My first thought was that perhaps one of our neighbors has become a Satanist (my money's on third floor guy), but in that case he or she would probably want to keep the blood to drink in some sort of terrifying ritual, no? Also, would a pigeon sacrifice really appease his or her dark lord? I think S-dawgg would want a squirrel at least.
Then I recalled (vaguely, which is the only kind of recalling I seem to do these days) reading something about coyotes on the loose in Wrigleyville. A google search confirmed this to be the case. (Some cougars are also apparently on the loose in Wrigleyville, but not the sexy kind, and I couldn't really think of a pun for the title that worked with cougars, so I've decided the culprit was a coyote. Wait, how do you feel about Cougar Town? Or something about John Mellencamp?) So I became pretty convinced that there was a coyote attack right outside my house. Which led to an interesting incident where I screamed out at the top of my lungs because a common house cat ran out from under my car. Thankfully, this is Chicago, so everyone ignored my screams of pure terror.
And no, I don't think the house cat was the culprit. Have you ever seen a Chicago pigeon? Those things could take me in a fair fight. And believe me, it wouldn't be a fair fight.
This Saturday I came home from the gym to the world's worst episode of CSI:
Yes, it appears that a pigeon bit it next to our side door. My first thought was that perhaps one of our neighbors has become a Satanist (my money's on third floor guy), but in that case he or she would probably want to keep the blood to drink in some sort of terrifying ritual, no? Also, would a pigeon sacrifice really appease his or her dark lord? I think S-dawgg would want a squirrel at least.
Then I recalled (vaguely, which is the only kind of recalling I seem to do these days) reading something about coyotes on the loose in Wrigleyville. A google search confirmed this to be the case. (Some cougars are also apparently on the loose in Wrigleyville, but not the sexy kind, and I couldn't really think of a pun for the title that worked with cougars, so I've decided the culprit was a coyote. Wait, how do you feel about Cougar Town? Or something about John Mellencamp?) So I became pretty convinced that there was a coyote attack right outside my house. Which led to an interesting incident where I screamed out at the top of my lungs because a common house cat ran out from under my car. Thankfully, this is Chicago, so everyone ignored my screams of pure terror.
And no, I don't think the house cat was the culprit. Have you ever seen a Chicago pigeon? Those things could take me in a fair fight. And believe me, it wouldn't be a fair fight.
Sunday, December 09, 2012
MIA
So it's been what, two weeks? I've been terribly, terribly busy making my long-awaited return to the American stage as a performer in the local bar association show. It was a spectacular amalgam of song parodies, lawyer jokes, and puns. There were dozens of wigs involved. More importantly, however, it was a nice reminder for me that there are in fact lots of creative people in the legal field, and that's not just referring to the people who come up with creative ways of causing you pain. And we had cast parties at this sick 46th-floor penthouse with a huge rooftop terrace (although, yes, it was December in Chicago) and a crazy master bathroom that looked kind of like a sex palace. Anyway, it was fun, and now it's over. Since I was going straight from the office to rehearsals every day and not getting home until 10:30 at night, however, I wasn't really in much of a position to blog about it. Which is a shame, because there was a scene where I was driving a little cardboard car that just seemed to be begging for a novelization.
Anyway, I should be pretty much back to regular programming now. Just in time for holiday TV movie season. How lucky are you?
So it's been what, two weeks? I've been terribly, terribly busy making my long-awaited return to the American stage as a performer in the local bar association show. It was a spectacular amalgam of song parodies, lawyer jokes, and puns. There were dozens of wigs involved. More importantly, however, it was a nice reminder for me that there are in fact lots of creative people in the legal field, and that's not just referring to the people who come up with creative ways of causing you pain. And we had cast parties at this sick 46th-floor penthouse with a huge rooftop terrace (although, yes, it was December in Chicago) and a crazy master bathroom that looked kind of like a sex palace. Anyway, it was fun, and now it's over. Since I was going straight from the office to rehearsals every day and not getting home until 10:30 at night, however, I wasn't really in much of a position to blog about it. Which is a shame, because there was a scene where I was driving a little cardboard car that just seemed to be begging for a novelization.
Anyway, I should be pretty much back to regular programming now. Just in time for holiday TV movie season. How lucky are you?
