Sunday, August 28, 2016
Get Real
We should probably discuss the Real Housewives of New York. That's a sentence that, for many people, can induce vomiting, and those people should probably get out of here now, before it's too late. Go polish off your Utne Reader or something.
Okay, now for the rest of us. This season has been insane. We had John the Sweaty Dry Cleaner's sudden and utterly unprovoked attack at the bra party. We had the Berkshires Christmas Throwdown, which was so intense Bravo felt we constantly needed reminders as to how long it had been going on. We had Mohegan Sun, a girls trip so pathetic that we didn't even get actual confirmation that they truly stayed overnight there. And then we had Lu's engagement party and its aftermath, because any event worth its salt on Housewives will naturally have aftermath. God, I'm exhausted just writing about it.
And of course the vaginal bleeding. We can't forget all of the vaginal bleeding.
It seemed to me like this was the season where they finally admitted that our ladies have aged a bit now, even though their many procedures have ensured that the opposite appears true on their faces. There were lots of trips to medical appointments and home decorating stores. There were lots of ample noshes. And there was settling. Lots of lots of people settling for what was, I guess, good enough for now.
It was fairly thrilling, as television goes. I wish there'd been a new song, but we can't have everything. And I'm still coming down from the high of the Southern Charm theme song, anyway.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Family Feud
Embarrassingly, I have recently become somewhat enamored of the Hallmark Channel morning show, meaningfully titled Home & Family. It's kind of like the Today Show, but if Matt Lauer weren't so punchable. Also without any news of any kind. And the addition of games. So yeah, it's not really that much like the Today Show. But it is amazing.
They usually have two or three celebrities on, except their celebrities are usually people who appear in Hallmark movies or in YouTube videos or something. (Sarah Michelle Gellar was supposed to be on once to plug a line of organic muffins or something, but she ended up sending her non-celebrity business partner instead.) And then they force the celebrities to stay around for the whole show, awkwardly participating in games and cooking demonstrations and stuff. Today some broad from Dancing With the Stars was required to participate in a superhero-themed game of Heads Up, which she was genuinely terrible at. Also there are crafts, many of which look like your aunt's Pinterest page threw up on itself.
Anyway, recently there has been some drama in that the wonderfully daffy (drunk?) menopausal lady who co-hosted the show was unceremoniously fired and replaced with Debbie Matenopoulos. She was absent for several weeks right after their week broadcasting from Dollywood and they just kept saying she was "taking some time." And then she announced on Twitter that she had been fired, and there Debbie was. As far as I know, no one who is still on the show has ever actually spoken of it. But man do I miss her often incoherent interjections.
At least we still have the correspondent who was suffering from separation anxiety after sending her son to college and decided to make pants for herself with pictures of him on them. Clearly this is a lady with a future in the business.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Hoarders, Jr.
I'm having a bit of a problem with compulsively buying things for our new place.
At first, it was all stuff we legitimately needed. A living room set for our new family room. Office organizers for our new built-in desk. A hamper, since our new closet doesn't have built-in hamper like our old closet did. I spent more money on these things than any human reasonably should, but at least they were necessary.
Then we got into kind of a gray area, where there were needs, but they were needs we just kind of made up. A bigger TV, because we wanted a bigger TV. A closet organizer for the closet we decided to devote entirely to shoes. Custom frames because we decided we didn't like the old ones. We convinced ourselves, but even we knew we were kind of faking it, like when Madonna convinced herself she was an actress. (But without any help from the Golden Globes.)
Now it's progressed to the point where I am straight up just buying shit for no reason. A new serving tray for the formal living room we never, ever sit in. A paper towel holder, because apparently all those years that our paper towels just sat on the counter were an evil lie. Another ottoman, to sit next to the ottoman we already have. Things have gotten out of control.
On the plus side, I am going to get an AMAZING amount of credit card rewards this month.
I'm having a bit of a problem with compulsively buying things for our new place.
At first, it was all stuff we legitimately needed. A living room set for our new family room. Office organizers for our new built-in desk. A hamper, since our new closet doesn't have built-in hamper like our old closet did. I spent more money on these things than any human reasonably should, but at least they were necessary.
Then we got into kind of a gray area, where there were needs, but they were needs we just kind of made up. A bigger TV, because we wanted a bigger TV. A closet organizer for the closet we decided to devote entirely to shoes. Custom frames because we decided we didn't like the old ones. We convinced ourselves, but even we knew we were kind of faking it, like when Madonna convinced herself she was an actress. (But without any help from the Golden Globes.)
Now it's progressed to the point where I am straight up just buying shit for no reason. A new serving tray for the formal living room we never, ever sit in. A paper towel holder, because apparently all those years that our paper towels just sat on the counter were an evil lie. Another ottoman, to sit next to the ottoman we already have. Things have gotten out of control.
On the plus side, I am going to get an AMAZING amount of credit card rewards this month.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Lochte for the Gold
Like most people, I am truly loving the Ryan Lochte scandal (or is it just a kerfuffle?), and not just because he is a well known Sex Idiot. To me, the best part is that he is a swimmer who apparently had no idea that chlorine would cause his bad platinum dye job to turn blueish green. OK, no, the best part may be that he decided not just to lie about his frankly moronic acts of vandalism, but to lie quite elaborately and in a way that could pretty easily be verified to be false. Pretending that you reacted coolly like in a Liam Neeson movie when a gun was pointed at your head by someone whose language you don't understand is not believable. Pretending that you shit your pants and had to be carried back to the Olympic village would be believable.
Oh wait, another best part. It appears that this whole thing erupted because he decided to tell his mother this elaborate cover story, and she spilled the beans to the media. If a 32-year old hadn't been scared of his mommy, and his mother hadn't had CNN on speed dial, maybe none of this would have come to light. So give that woman a medal, basically.
OK, so maybe it's all the best part. God love this country for producing such a beautiful, stupid man.
Like most people, I am truly loving the Ryan Lochte scandal (or is it just a kerfuffle?), and not just because he is a well known Sex Idiot. To me, the best part is that he is a swimmer who apparently had no idea that chlorine would cause his bad platinum dye job to turn blueish green. OK, no, the best part may be that he decided not just to lie about his frankly moronic acts of vandalism, but to lie quite elaborately and in a way that could pretty easily be verified to be false. Pretending that you reacted coolly like in a Liam Neeson movie when a gun was pointed at your head by someone whose language you don't understand is not believable. Pretending that you shit your pants and had to be carried back to the Olympic village would be believable.
Oh wait, another best part. It appears that this whole thing erupted because he decided to tell his mother this elaborate cover story, and she spilled the beans to the media. If a 32-year old hadn't been scared of his mommy, and his mother hadn't had CNN on speed dial, maybe none of this would have come to light. So give that woman a medal, basically.
OK, so maybe it's all the best part. God love this country for producing such a beautiful, stupid man.
Wednesday, August 10, 2016
Sport Report
I think I have Olympic Fever. Although it's hard to tell; it may just be Zika. I love to see the obscure sports that you never see otherwise. The road races over the weekend were amazing, primarily because so many people crashed, and this morning I took in some women's field hockey before work without understanding a single moment of it. And I'm a sucker for the jingoism, perhaps because I grew up in the days when the Soviet Union was still a big scary entity that merited a subplot on The Golden Girls. I certainly thrilled to the women's gymnastics team's victory, and not just because our ladies were the only ones who seemed to have been allowed to go through puberty in some form. Although their chosen team nickname could not be lamer. They should have brought in Michael Phelps's publicist; anyone who can have that many DUIs and remain America's hero has some really good mojo.
I do have my share of complaints about the broadcasts, of course. I'm not one of these people who needs to see everything live (suspense is not my favorite), but I do hate that they split up the gymnastics events and make me stay up late to see the end. I'm also a little tired of all the swimming; do we really need to see all the preliminary rounds live? And the way they edit down the other sports so you really only see the US go is kind of irritating. I need to be able to see more of our competitors so I can properly villainize them in my mind!
Sunday, August 07, 2016
Paint By Numbers
I saw War Paint last night. There was deception involved. Ian, knowing my feelings about Patti LuPone, told me that his mother had bought a ticket for me to join them without asking him. Funny thing, though: when I actually saw the ticket, it was in Ian's name. And his mother said "Oh, Jay's coming with us?" So yeah, my social politeness was used against me yet again.
Anyway, it was okay. Patti pretty much did her Patti thing. There was very little plot to speak of, and what plot there was constantly got interrupted by songs that stopped the action cold. Almost everything was a dramatic solo or duet for a diva or divas, so there wasn't a ton of variety. The score seemed pretty good, but I don't really remember any of it today. Mainly I remember the elderly gay men hooting and hollering for Patti. They like her. They really like her.
We had dinner beforehand, which was nice. Except they replaced the nice romaine lettuce that used to come with my salad with some purplish, tree-like kind of lettuce that I find unacceptable. Obviously, someone somewhere is out to get me.
I saw War Paint last night. There was deception involved. Ian, knowing my feelings about Patti LuPone, told me that his mother had bought a ticket for me to join them without asking him. Funny thing, though: when I actually saw the ticket, it was in Ian's name. And his mother said "Oh, Jay's coming with us?" So yeah, my social politeness was used against me yet again.
Anyway, it was okay. Patti pretty much did her Patti thing. There was very little plot to speak of, and what plot there was constantly got interrupted by songs that stopped the action cold. Almost everything was a dramatic solo or duet for a diva or divas, so there wasn't a ton of variety. The score seemed pretty good, but I don't really remember any of it today. Mainly I remember the elderly gay men hooting and hollering for Patti. They like her. They really like her.
We had dinner beforehand, which was nice. Except they replaced the nice romaine lettuce that used to come with my salad with some purplish, tree-like kind of lettuce that I find unacceptable. Obviously, someone somewhere is out to get me.
Tuesday, August 02, 2016
Throwback Tuesday
Scream 3 is on right now. Although it's a terrible movie, it's fun to think back to a time when people knew who Neve Campbell was and Courtney Cox had horrible bangs. I remember that I was really excited to see it when it came out and tried very hard to convince myself that it was good, but ultimately failed. There's a whole lot of random backstory they tried to just throw in there, and about a dozen new characters that it is impossible to care about. Also, Sidney keeps having visions of her dead mother for some reason and it turns out she's always been a bit of an ugly cry. I do kind of dig Parker Posey, but that could be residual goodwill for "Waiting for Guffman." Anyway, I'm turning it off right now, I swear. No really, I swear.
Scream 3 is on right now. Although it's a terrible movie, it's fun to think back to a time when people knew who Neve Campbell was and Courtney Cox had horrible bangs. I remember that I was really excited to see it when it came out and tried very hard to convince myself that it was good, but ultimately failed. There's a whole lot of random backstory they tried to just throw in there, and about a dozen new characters that it is impossible to care about. Also, Sidney keeps having visions of her dead mother for some reason and it turns out she's always been a bit of an ugly cry. I do kind of dig Parker Posey, but that could be residual goodwill for "Waiting for Guffman." Anyway, I'm turning it off right now, I swear. No really, I swear.
