the ocean

Just as I'm complaining about my lack of things to write about, I have work travel that provides plenty of fodder for discussion.

Monday I flew to Newark for some work meetings. As fate would have it, I was seated next to an elderly Russian couple who spent the entire trip loudly discussing in two different languages how confusing nearly every aspect of the flight was to them. 

When I arrived, the man was hunched over in his seat with his eyeballs approximately one inch from the in-seat display, messing with the parental controls settings for no earthly reason. Then, his wife coached him on the process of selecting a movie to watch, which resulted in him accidentally starting an episode of the NBC sitcom I forgot existed, "St. Denis Medical," with what appeared to be Dutch subtitles. Understandably terrified by this development and apparently unaware that one can exit out of erroneously selected programming, the gentleman asked his wife to switch seats, but she was already too invested in The Barbie Movie to agree to that.

Shortly thereafter, and it's really important you understand I am not making this up, the woman became convinced that we had already taken off and landed, when in truth we'd just been doing the incredibly long taxi for which O'Hare is so well known. She convinced her husband to ask the flight attendant why we had landed so quickly, leading to one of the most meaningful stunned silences I've ever encountered. Fortunately, my new friends were actually delighted to learn that five-minute round trips are not actually in the United Airlines playbook.

Then there was the in-flight service. They asked the snack lady for a drink and the drink lady for a snack. Then the wife asked if they had any chocolate alcoholic drinks, apparently mistaking the plane for a bespoke speakeasy in Brooklyn. After discovering that alcohol was not complimentary, she settled on bloody mary mix with no vodka, which she then complained tasted like tomato juice. 

Once we landed, they entertained a ten minute phone call with their pet hotel on speakerphone whilst we waited to deplane. During which they asked to speak to their dog. Which I feel, but still, do not understand the need for the entire row to be involved. Particularly during the hold music, which was a janky electronic version of Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony. Finally that music history training has paid off.

Needless to say, I am now best friends with these people and they're coming over tonight. Travel really does expose us to new horizons.