Saturday, July 29, 2017
Golden Grams
I've been getting pretty into Instagram lately. I actually joined it several years ago, but I didn't really understand that it could be used for anything other than putting filters on photos to make them look like you have a shitty old camera instead of a nice new one, so I didn't do much with it. My account literally consisted of some blurry, dark pictures I unsuccessfully tried to clean up from one of my Vienna trips and, for some reason, a picture of Chili's. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
But now I've begun to understand the real, celebrity-stalking uses of Instagram, and I love it. I know when the Vanderpump Rules crew takes a contractually-mandated trip to Mexico together because I can see all of the pictures hit the 'gram, and wonder if LaLa did something to her nose. I get inside insights into the production of all kinds of wonderful and terrible Hallmark movies because I've actually bothered to learn the real names of the Hallmark stable of "stars" and follow them on the app. And I have immediate access to lots of slutty photographs of vaguely famous hot people I've seen on thousands of reality shows across the years, and I straight up refuse to apologize for it.
I've also, of course, constructed an elaborate fantasy persona for my own Instagram, which seems to consist largely of traveling, drinking, and hanging out with cute dogs and children. Okay, so maybe it's not that far off from reality. But I seldom, if ever, include photos of myself in disintegrating sweatpants watching Murder, She Wrote for hours on end. No one needs that much reality.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
We Didn't Buy A Zoo
But we did go to one. My firm had an event at Brookfield Zoo today, so my mom and I took my sister and her family. It was kind of great! The animals were actually all doing stuff today, unlike other times I've been where they're all kind of just lying around looking like someone is forcing them to watch the second season of True Detective. I saw some kangaroos boxing each other; it was exciting just to know that animals can be assholes, too. My nephew got to see a polar bear diving at close range, but fortunately through a glass wall, so his face did not get bitten off. And we also had a close encounter with a grizzly bear without the necessity of leaving food trash out at a campsite. Animals are cool, when they're not trying to kill you.
We also got to take my nephew to my firm's lunch, which was amazing for him. He had a cut up hot dog, which he insisted on eating with a fork, because obviously that's the etiquette, and a piece of cheese, which he balled up with his fist. And then there was the corn muffin, which he ended up wearing for much of the day. Oh, and I mustn't forget the ice cream, as the other diners are unlikely to soon forget the shrieks of joy that accompanied it. Eating is just the best, isn't it?
Anyway, we did something, and things happened, and it was fun, and now it's over.
But we did go to one. My firm had an event at Brookfield Zoo today, so my mom and I took my sister and her family. It was kind of great! The animals were actually all doing stuff today, unlike other times I've been where they're all kind of just lying around looking like someone is forcing them to watch the second season of True Detective. I saw some kangaroos boxing each other; it was exciting just to know that animals can be assholes, too. My nephew got to see a polar bear diving at close range, but fortunately through a glass wall, so his face did not get bitten off. And we also had a close encounter with a grizzly bear without the necessity of leaving food trash out at a campsite. Animals are cool, when they're not trying to kill you.
We also got to take my nephew to my firm's lunch, which was amazing for him. He had a cut up hot dog, which he insisted on eating with a fork, because obviously that's the etiquette, and a piece of cheese, which he balled up with his fist. And then there was the corn muffin, which he ended up wearing for much of the day. Oh, and I mustn't forget the ice cream, as the other diners are unlikely to soon forget the shrieks of joy that accompanied it. Eating is just the best, isn't it?
Anyway, we did something, and things happened, and it was fun, and now it's over.
Saturday, July 15, 2017
A Weekend in the Country
I'm visiting Quincy with my mom this weekend. It's so exciting I barely know what to do with myself. We already went to Wal-Mart and picked up food; then we took Deja to the dog park, which was empty. She walked around sniffing stuff for a while, realized she was hot, and demanded to be taken back home. It is an incredible time to be alive.
Tomorrow it is supposed to rain all day, which should only amp things up. We might Netflix some old Frasiers, who knows? And then there will be church. Who doesn't love a good old fashioned Catholic mass? The Apostles' Creed gets me especially hot and bothered.
Of course, I have a bunch of work to do this weekend, anyway, so it's really not the worst time to be trapped in a '90s living room with the world's most rambunctious dog. Time to let my productivity shine.
Saturday, July 08, 2017
Physical Education
I had a friend in town last week who is really into Crossfit, and he asked me to go to class with him. Since I've been to about ten thousand fitness classes in my life, I figured it wouldn't be a problem. But it didn't occur to me that my classes are generally taught by tiny, cute women named Erinn With Two Ns or Bekah With a K who like to shout "you can do so much more than you think you can!" and Instagram. Crossfit is taught by enormous, chemically altered bros who like to overcompensate for their limited command of the English language. And so there was suffering.
The whole class was based on snatch lifts and squats. A very pleasant bro right next to me decided to adopt me when he saw how terrible my lifting technique was, leading to a twenty minute sequence of me apologizing awkwardly for failing to move my wrists and/or elbows and/or shoulders in the preferred method. Suffice it to say that it is unlikely to be set to music for a training montage any time soon. And then, about halfway through the class, the tops started coming off all around the room. I have never seen so many tribal tattoos and homoerotic ass slaps in one place.
The upshot, of course, was that I was unable to walk normally for three days. I was foam rolling every two hours and sucking down back & body Tylenol like it was my job. And I had to ask Ian to fetch things from upstairs for me since stairs were pretty much out of the question. Isn't being fit grand?
Sunday, July 02, 2017
La La Land... I Mean Moonlight
I spent the last week in Los Angeles for work. It was okay. As with most business travel, a lot of it involved the inside of a conference room, and those tend to look the same wherever you are. We did get to go to a good dinner at Craft, the restaurant run by the jolly bald guy from Top Chef. There was a salad with avocado and tomatillos that completely blew my mind, as well as a potato gratin that I would probably trade a week of my life to eat. And they were so nice -- they kept bringing us little complimentary snacks and even gave us packaged scones to go for the next day's breakfast. So I shall be fat but happy, it seems.
I don't think I saw a single fat person in LA, however. Everyone was thin and tan and conspicuously chill. That kind of chill where you feel there's an incredibly monstrous person just waiting to bust out, but still. And people kept randomly interjecting themselves into our conversations, as though we were all good friends and just waiting for them to join. I learned a lot of surprisingly personal information about people I was never even introduced to, let me tell you.
We did have one semi-celebrity sighting. Ryan Murphy was sitting at the table next to us at dinner one night. I completely ignored him, because I'm so cool. Didn't even confront him over his decision to allow Lady Gaga to act. I did try to eavesdrop, but the tables were way too far apart.
Anyway, LA is a strange place. I went there. Now I'm back. Crazy world, this.
