Sunday, March 29, 2009
[Insert Comment About Snow Here]
So this morning I woke up to a Winter Clusterfuckland here in Chicago. We don't have a ton of snow, but it's that heavy, wet snow that almost instantly turns into an inch-thick layer of disgusting slush. And it was really coming down. Needless to say, I was not pleased.
Of course, had I not even looked out the window, I would have known about the snow from Facebook, where I was greeted with approximately 18,000 status updates about "snow in Chicago in late March? ugh." When I think about things that merit status updates, any change in the weather is definitely right at the top of the list.
But despite the disaster area outside my door, I had to head downtown today for the Shamrock Shuffle. I was not running -- just watching -- but I still managed to get about two inches of water stuck up in my shoes. I have never been more glad simply to change my socks in my lifetime.
So this morning I woke up to a Winter Clusterfuckland here in Chicago. We don't have a ton of snow, but it's that heavy, wet snow that almost instantly turns into an inch-thick layer of disgusting slush. And it was really coming down. Needless to say, I was not pleased.
Of course, had I not even looked out the window, I would have known about the snow from Facebook, where I was greeted with approximately 18,000 status updates about "snow in Chicago in late March? ugh." When I think about things that merit status updates, any change in the weather is definitely right at the top of the list.
But despite the disaster area outside my door, I had to head downtown today for the Shamrock Shuffle. I was not running -- just watching -- but I still managed to get about two inches of water stuck up in my shoes. I have never been more glad simply to change my socks in my lifetime.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Modelville
Well, another season of Top Model is upon us, complete with the promotional street fracas to get us all back into the mood. Leave it to Tyra to get thousands of women under 5'7" to claw at each other in the streets.
At this point I usually make some predictions, but after last cycle's lackluster performance, I am loath to go on the record. Burn survivor Thalia certainly has the drama points as the saddest sad that ever sadded, but she's likely more of a sideshow than an ultimate victor. Natalie seems to actually take good pictures, but they've already branded her with the "no personality" label, which will almost certainly result in a slow descent into madness. Sandra is a huge bitch and from Africa -- a combination that has proved winning in the past -- but it seems unlikely she can survive the blond jheri curl they've stuck her with. And Celia I am pretty sure is a man. So I don't know. Frankly, the only one of them I care for at all is Fo, and even she upsets me by not being Asian.
All in all a pretty lackluster season so far. Wednesday did have an awesome moment where Tyra verbally smacked a girl down for tattling on another one, but that's about it. We could really use a Jade or a Melrose or, heck, even a Renee. And also the televised shaming of Benny Ninja. Seriously, is it too much to ask?
Well, another season of Top Model is upon us, complete with the promotional street fracas to get us all back into the mood. Leave it to Tyra to get thousands of women under 5'7" to claw at each other in the streets.
At this point I usually make some predictions, but after last cycle's lackluster performance, I am loath to go on the record. Burn survivor Thalia certainly has the drama points as the saddest sad that ever sadded, but she's likely more of a sideshow than an ultimate victor. Natalie seems to actually take good pictures, but they've already branded her with the "no personality" label, which will almost certainly result in a slow descent into madness. Sandra is a huge bitch and from Africa -- a combination that has proved winning in the past -- but it seems unlikely she can survive the blond jheri curl they've stuck her with. And Celia I am pretty sure is a man. So I don't know. Frankly, the only one of them I care for at all is Fo, and even she upsets me by not being Asian.
All in all a pretty lackluster season so far. Wednesday did have an awesome moment where Tyra verbally smacked a girl down for tattling on another one, but that's about it. We could really use a Jade or a Melrose or, heck, even a Renee. And also the televised shaming of Benny Ninja. Seriously, is it too much to ask?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What Are We Giving Up for Lent?
-- Fried cocker spaniel.
-- America's Next Top Model, cycles 5-8, but not 1-4 or 9-12.
-- Little Debbie's chocolate cinnamon ham.
-- That constant feeling of moral superiority.
-- Any knowledge of current events.
-- That one Kardashian whose name we can't remember.
-- Our "associate producer" credit on Gigli.
-- The ability to love.
-- Long evenings masturbating to The Passion of the Christ.
-- Jennifer Aniston's Pity-Os.
-- All the thrills and chills of Nicolas Cage's Knowing.
-- Our fifth grade spelling bee championships.
-- Religion.
-- Fried cocker spaniel.
-- America's Next Top Model, cycles 5-8, but not 1-4 or 9-12.
-- Little Debbie's chocolate cinnamon ham.
-- That constant feeling of moral superiority.
-- Any knowledge of current events.
-- That one Kardashian whose name we can't remember.
-- Our "associate producer" credit on Gigli.
-- The ability to love.
-- Long evenings masturbating to The Passion of the Christ.
-- Jennifer Aniston's Pity-Os.
-- All the thrills and chills of Nicolas Cage's Knowing.
-- Our fifth grade spelling bee championships.
-- Religion.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
You Say It's Your Birthday...
Former Roommate Liz turned 31 today. There was a smashing bash last night, of course. Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?
Sister Meg was in town for the occasion. Here we demonstrate our time-honored family technique of sublimating all of our rage for a carefully-posed cheerful family photo.
I accidentally wore Blue Devil blue, despite hating Duke. Ian accidentally wore pink, despite hating Mary Kay ladies.
Meg scratched her cornea by wearing her contacts for six years without changing them. Not kidding. So she had to wear her glasses, which I believe are from the Gollum Collection.
Birthdays don't always bring out the best in people.
Former Roommate Liz turned 31 today. There was a smashing bash last night, of course. Let's go in for a closer look, shall we?
Sister Meg was in town for the occasion. Here we demonstrate our time-honored family technique of sublimating all of our rage for a carefully-posed cheerful family photo.
I accidentally wore Blue Devil blue, despite hating Duke. Ian accidentally wore pink, despite hating Mary Kay ladies.
Meg scratched her cornea by wearing her contacts for six years without changing them. Not kidding. So she had to wear her glasses, which I believe are from the Gollum Collection.
Birthdays don't always bring out the best in people. Friday, March 20, 2009
A Few Small Repairs
This morning I had a handyman come out to my house. Although various things have been broken around my house for a while now, the final straw came when the handle came off the faucet for my kitchen sink. It has been a long week of walking down to the guest bathroom so I can get some water to boil some rice.
The only time they had available that was not in the far distant future was at 7 in the morning, so I got a nice early start. I was especially lucky to have the World's Chattiest Republican Handyman. That way I got to make awkward small talk about AIG bonuses while I got my morning handful of Coco Puffs.
I also have to hand it to him for his initiative. One of the issues I had was a broken front door intercom. Without saying a word to me, he took it upon himself to knock on all my neighbors' doors and ask them if their intercoms were malfunctioning, too. I am sure they appreciated the wake-up call.
The good news is that everything is functioning now. I give it five minutes.
This morning I had a handyman come out to my house. Although various things have been broken around my house for a while now, the final straw came when the handle came off the faucet for my kitchen sink. It has been a long week of walking down to the guest bathroom so I can get some water to boil some rice.
The only time they had available that was not in the far distant future was at 7 in the morning, so I got a nice early start. I was especially lucky to have the World's Chattiest Republican Handyman. That way I got to make awkward small talk about AIG bonuses while I got my morning handful of Coco Puffs.
I also have to hand it to him for his initiative. One of the issues I had was a broken front door intercom. Without saying a word to me, he took it upon himself to knock on all my neighbors' doors and ask them if their intercoms were malfunctioning, too. I am sure they appreciated the wake-up call.
The good news is that everything is functioning now. I give it five minutes.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Spring Break 2000!!!!!!
My firm sent me to Miami for a deposition yesterday. I like to pretend I was heading down there for keg races and a wet t-shirt contest like everyone else, however. I packed a beer bong with my witness files and tried to work a trip to Senor Frogs in during my lunch break. It was very sexy times, I can assure you.
Actually, I did fly Southwest, so there was a certain grinding together of sweaty bodies to be had. Both my flights were heavily oversold and the offers they made for people willing to give up their seats became increasingly desperate and hilarious. I think the last person to agree to stay behind in Chicago is now actually the majority shareholder of Southwest.
I also managed to become desperately lost on a number of occasions. It turns out that Mapquest sometimes guesses and doesn't always get it right. And that rental car companies sometimes view reservations for vehicles with GPS as somewhat optional. Luckily the very helpful Miami drivers were there to encourage me with the various honkings and shoutings. Everyone loves a Spring Breaker, that's to be sure.
My firm sent me to Miami for a deposition yesterday. I like to pretend I was heading down there for keg races and a wet t-shirt contest like everyone else, however. I packed a beer bong with my witness files and tried to work a trip to Senor Frogs in during my lunch break. It was very sexy times, I can assure you.
Actually, I did fly Southwest, so there was a certain grinding together of sweaty bodies to be had. Both my flights were heavily oversold and the offers they made for people willing to give up their seats became increasingly desperate and hilarious. I think the last person to agree to stay behind in Chicago is now actually the majority shareholder of Southwest.
I also managed to become desperately lost on a number of occasions. It turns out that Mapquest sometimes guesses and doesn't always get it right. And that rental car companies sometimes view reservations for vehicles with GPS as somewhat optional. Luckily the very helpful Miami drivers were there to encourage me with the various honkings and shoutings. Everyone loves a Spring Breaker, that's to be sure.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
I had my volunteer teaching yesterday morning, and it turned out I was the one who learned something.
The young ones always have lots of legal questions, usually about Madea goes to jail. But today we had an extended discussion of Chris Brown and Rhianna. Our lesson was on free speech, and they asked me if maybe Rhianna thought she was exercising her free speech when she threw Chris Brown's keys, or if his form of speech was kicking the crap out of her. I had to tell them I didn't wish to speculate. Then they informed me that Rhianna couldn't really complain about what happened because "they was both crazy." Also that she gave Chris Brown herpes. Yes, my fifth graders told me about herpes.
The lesson also briefly touched on search and seizure law, at which point I found out that a number of my students had personally been searched or seized. One of them, however, told me that he would "give it to" any cop who tried to come into his house. I had to advise that this was an approach that might bear rethinking.
Oh, and one of my students kept repeatedly "pleading the fifth" throughout the lesson. That was a joke that never got old, let me tell you.
I had my volunteer teaching yesterday morning, and it turned out I was the one who learned something.
The young ones always have lots of legal questions, usually about Madea goes to jail. But today we had an extended discussion of Chris Brown and Rhianna. Our lesson was on free speech, and they asked me if maybe Rhianna thought she was exercising her free speech when she threw Chris Brown's keys, or if his form of speech was kicking the crap out of her. I had to tell them I didn't wish to speculate. Then they informed me that Rhianna couldn't really complain about what happened because "they was both crazy." Also that she gave Chris Brown herpes. Yes, my fifth graders told me about herpes.
The lesson also briefly touched on search and seizure law, at which point I found out that a number of my students had personally been searched or seized. One of them, however, told me that he would "give it to" any cop who tried to come into his house. I had to advise that this was an approach that might bear rethinking.
Oh, and one of my students kept repeatedly "pleading the fifth" throughout the lesson. That was a joke that never got old, let me tell you.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Decisions, Decisions
Bravo was showing Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous tonight. But Lifetime was showing Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? One is possibly the finest Sandra Bullock-based beauty pageant sequel of all time; the other could well be the best Tori Spelling Lifetime movie titled with a question. One features Law & Order killer Elizabeth Rohm in a small but pivotal supporting role; the other stars almost entirely people you have never heard of, with the exception of everyone's favorite gremlin-looking former 90210 star. One has an extended scene involving lip syncing at a drag bar; the other has lengthy sections of an obsessive boyfriend screaming at Tori, which of course we have all thought about doing at one time or another. How could I choose? Of course I had to flip back and forth between them.
The result would, I think, make a fine movie in and of itself. A single mother fears her daughter's new boyfriend may be up to no good when he kidnaps one of the contestants from the Miss United States pageant, taking her to a cabin and repeatedly screaming at her about how much he loves her and no one understands, until a plucky FBI agent dresses up like an elderly lady for reasons no one understands and rescues William Shatner from a sinking pirate ship. I'm shopping a treatment, if anyone is interested.
Bravo was showing Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous tonight. But Lifetime was showing Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? One is possibly the finest Sandra Bullock-based beauty pageant sequel of all time; the other could well be the best Tori Spelling Lifetime movie titled with a question. One features Law & Order killer Elizabeth Rohm in a small but pivotal supporting role; the other stars almost entirely people you have never heard of, with the exception of everyone's favorite gremlin-looking former 90210 star. One has an extended scene involving lip syncing at a drag bar; the other has lengthy sections of an obsessive boyfriend screaming at Tori, which of course we have all thought about doing at one time or another. How could I choose? Of course I had to flip back and forth between them.
The result would, I think, make a fine movie in and of itself. A single mother fears her daughter's new boyfriend may be up to no good when he kidnaps one of the contestants from the Miss United States pageant, taking her to a cabin and repeatedly screaming at her about how much he loves her and no one understands, until a plucky FBI agent dresses up like an elderly lady for reasons no one understands and rescues William Shatner from a sinking pirate ship. I'm shopping a treatment, if anyone is interested.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Dayquil Madness
I've been fighting off a little bit of a cold. In an earlier incarnation, I might have welcomed this news as an excuse to take a few days off of work and catch up on my stories. The Responsible Jay of the past few years, however, can't miss work, as he has far too much to do. So he simply drugs himself with some delightful over the counters and heads for another day in court. True, my legal reasoning may suffer slightly as my body turns cold germs into craziness, but I think I more than make up for it with enthusiasm. And and style points I might lose by hacking and wheezing I think I regain by openly weeping in my delirium. Talk about impassioned advocacy!
So last night, instead of going to a movie as planned, I took a Nyquil and slept for ten hours. Today, instead of eating, I filled up on nasal spray. It is a very sexy time in a young man's life, I assure you.
I've been fighting off a little bit of a cold. In an earlier incarnation, I might have welcomed this news as an excuse to take a few days off of work and catch up on my stories. The Responsible Jay of the past few years, however, can't miss work, as he has far too much to do. So he simply drugs himself with some delightful over the counters and heads for another day in court. True, my legal reasoning may suffer slightly as my body turns cold germs into craziness, but I think I more than make up for it with enthusiasm. And and style points I might lose by hacking and wheezing I think I regain by openly weeping in my delirium. Talk about impassioned advocacy!
So last night, instead of going to a movie as planned, I took a Nyquil and slept for ten hours. Today, instead of eating, I filled up on nasal spray. It is a very sexy time in a young man's life, I assure you.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
The Natural
I went to the Field Museum of Natural History today. Since it's monsoon season here in Chicago, it seemed like a good day to spend the whole day inside, and I had been wanting to see the Aztecs exhibit for a while. Of course, a good 2/3 of Chicago apparently had the same idea, so we spent the first half hour or so in line waiting for a surly, half-literate woman with the most elaborate fingernails I had ever seen to "help us" with our ticket purchase. And can I mention the fact that approximately half of the people in attendance today appeared to be newborns? Because of course infants are really wild about dioramas of Native Americans. It seems like I'm learning something I didn't know about parenting every day in this city.
The Aztecs themselves were somewhat disappointing. How they managed to take a people that believed in human sacrifice and make them kind of boring I'm not exactly sure. I think it had something to do with their insistence that ancient farming implements are interesting. I swear to God I'm not a moron, but I can only look at so many carved pieces of obsidian before I kind of want a juice break. They did have some really interesting pieces from ongoing excavations in Mexico City, though. If only the remains of an Aztec temple were buried beneath my condo!
We also had to make stop-ins at the dinosaurs and the Egyptian pyramid, of course. I've seen them many times, but as the aspects of natural history that get featured in major motion pictures, they remain worthy of our respect and attention. I just hope I don't get cursed for violating anyone's sacred burial rites. That just gets really old, honestly.
I went to the Field Museum of Natural History today. Since it's monsoon season here in Chicago, it seemed like a good day to spend the whole day inside, and I had been wanting to see the Aztecs exhibit for a while. Of course, a good 2/3 of Chicago apparently had the same idea, so we spent the first half hour or so in line waiting for a surly, half-literate woman with the most elaborate fingernails I had ever seen to "help us" with our ticket purchase. And can I mention the fact that approximately half of the people in attendance today appeared to be newborns? Because of course infants are really wild about dioramas of Native Americans. It seems like I'm learning something I didn't know about parenting every day in this city.
The Aztecs themselves were somewhat disappointing. How they managed to take a people that believed in human sacrifice and make them kind of boring I'm not exactly sure. I think it had something to do with their insistence that ancient farming implements are interesting. I swear to God I'm not a moron, but I can only look at so many carved pieces of obsidian before I kind of want a juice break. They did have some really interesting pieces from ongoing excavations in Mexico City, though. If only the remains of an Aztec temple were buried beneath my condo!
We also had to make stop-ins at the dinosaurs and the Egyptian pyramid, of course. I've seen them many times, but as the aspects of natural history that get featured in major motion pictures, they remain worthy of our respect and attention. I just hope I don't get cursed for violating anyone's sacred burial rites. That just gets really old, honestly.
Friday, March 06, 2009
40 Days and 40 Nights
Hey, kids, did you know that it's Lent? Lent is the time of year when all the Catholics in my office get really cranky because they're giving up cigarettes or artificial sweeteners or butter. I'm pretty sure that the reasoning behind it is that sadomasochism must be good because, after all, Jesus died for our sins and didn't just, like, go to the zoo for them or something. Plus, if you believe The Book of Mel Gibson, he got the crap kicked out of him for a couple of hours first. So the least you can do is cut back on the cookies, tubby. Besides, swimsuit season is on the way!
There have been times in the past when I've been pretty strict about Lent myself. But then I kind of realized that I actually prefer having things to giving them up. And since consuming things became patriotic after September 11th, I decided I'd rather be a good American than a good Christian, especially when there are Ho Hos involved. George Washington has never once asked me to lay off of the Zima.
This year I am giving things up for Lent, in a sense, but really just as part of an overall diet and exercise plan. It's gotten harder and harder to convince myself that those extra fifteen pounds are just water weight as the months have gone by. And frankly, I would prefer that the surface area of my face not be measured in acres. So I'm giving up complex carbohydrates. I'm pretty sure that Jesus is loving the hell out of this up in Camelot with all of his elf friends.
Hey, kids, did you know that it's Lent? Lent is the time of year when all the Catholics in my office get really cranky because they're giving up cigarettes or artificial sweeteners or butter. I'm pretty sure that the reasoning behind it is that sadomasochism must be good because, after all, Jesus died for our sins and didn't just, like, go to the zoo for them or something. Plus, if you believe The Book of Mel Gibson, he got the crap kicked out of him for a couple of hours first. So the least you can do is cut back on the cookies, tubby. Besides, swimsuit season is on the way!
There have been times in the past when I've been pretty strict about Lent myself. But then I kind of realized that I actually prefer having things to giving them up. And since consuming things became patriotic after September 11th, I decided I'd rather be a good American than a good Christian, especially when there are Ho Hos involved. George Washington has never once asked me to lay off of the Zima.
This year I am giving things up for Lent, in a sense, but really just as part of an overall diet and exercise plan. It's gotten harder and harder to convince myself that those extra fifteen pounds are just water weight as the months have gone by. And frankly, I would prefer that the surface area of my face not be measured in acres. So I'm giving up complex carbohydrates. I'm pretty sure that Jesus is loving the hell out of this up in Camelot with all of his elf friends.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Television History
I saw possibly the most amazing thing of all time on television the other night.
I was flipping through the channels and I stopped on one of the HBOs because they were advertising Never Been Kissed, featuring Jessica Alba and James Franco, which is of course a classic feature of our time. But instead of this delightful comic romp, I found myself face to face with Bryant Gumbel. And, as if that weren't terrifying enough, also Tanya Harding.
Yes, HBO was showing Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, and they had a rather extensive segment on your favorite ice princess and mine, Tanya Harding. I don't know if I've ever seen a more aggressive interview subject in my life, and that includes the great Lauer/Cruise dustup of a few years ago. She ferociously denied any involvement in tireirongate and lambasted those who would "make money off of her," apparently just by mentioning her name. (I am expecting a check in the mail any day now.) Not even the skating federation escaped her wrath.
The bad news is that she's changed her hair. In contrast, I'm not sure that she's changed her clothes even once in the intervening decade. Oh, and she has no regrets about the Celebrity Boxing. Paula Jones deserved what she got.
I saw possibly the most amazing thing of all time on television the other night.
I was flipping through the channels and I stopped on one of the HBOs because they were advertising Never Been Kissed, featuring Jessica Alba and James Franco, which is of course a classic feature of our time. But instead of this delightful comic romp, I found myself face to face with Bryant Gumbel. And, as if that weren't terrifying enough, also Tanya Harding.
Yes, HBO was showing Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, and they had a rather extensive segment on your favorite ice princess and mine, Tanya Harding. I don't know if I've ever seen a more aggressive interview subject in my life, and that includes the great Lauer/Cruise dustup of a few years ago. She ferociously denied any involvement in tireirongate and lambasted those who would "make money off of her," apparently just by mentioning her name. (I am expecting a check in the mail any day now.) Not even the skating federation escaped her wrath.
The bad news is that she's changed her hair. In contrast, I'm not sure that she's changed her clothes even once in the intervening decade. Oh, and she has no regrets about the Celebrity Boxing. Paula Jones deserved what she got.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
So It's Come to This...
This is my 1000th post. Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday I was sitting down at my ginormous 1984-style federal government computer to type out my deep thoughts about going to Home Depot or the latest episode of The Apprentice. A lot has certainly changed since then. For one thing, far fewer entries center on me being publicly intoxicated. For another, I make far fewer attempts at behavior modification of my very few and very brave readers. I also don't spend hours per week carefully burnishing my prose; I guess I've finally realized that I'm not Jeffrey Toobin and I never will be.
How do the blog and I plan to celebrate this milestone? Well, like most long-term couples, we'll probably go out to an expensive dinner, get into a fight about the way the valet looked at me, and end up having hate sex on the cutting board in the kitchen. Or maybe we'll just discuss the season premiere of America's Next Top Model this Wednesday. Some things, sadly, it seems never change.
This is my 1000th post. Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday I was sitting down at my ginormous 1984-style federal government computer to type out my deep thoughts about going to Home Depot or the latest episode of The Apprentice. A lot has certainly changed since then. For one thing, far fewer entries center on me being publicly intoxicated. For another, I make far fewer attempts at behavior modification of my very few and very brave readers. I also don't spend hours per week carefully burnishing my prose; I guess I've finally realized that I'm not Jeffrey Toobin and I never will be.
How do the blog and I plan to celebrate this milestone? Well, like most long-term couples, we'll probably go out to an expensive dinner, get into a fight about the way the valet looked at me, and end up having hate sex on the cutting board in the kitchen. Or maybe we'll just discuss the season premiere of America's Next Top Model this Wednesday. Some things, sadly, it seems never change.
