Friday, November 29, 2013
(Rebecca) Black Friday
Is it weird that I don't know anyone who actually participates in the annual tradition of Black Friday looting and rioting? At least, I don't think I do. There are a couple of secretaries at work I could definitely see punching somebody for a Blu-ray player, but that's just speculation at this point. Sometimes my mom and sister do go out later in the day just to do normal shopping; maybe they're secretly getting value-priced Dora the Explorer merchandise and just lying about it?
Regardless, my Black Fridays are generally spent sleeping in, working out, and watching television. This year my sister has the Harry Potter marathon on, which would not really be my choice, but it does serve as an excellent reminder of how ridiculously terrible my memory is. I read all of the books and saw most of the movies, and yet I remember almost none of the plot points. Although it does seem totally obvious to me now that Dumbledore was gay; did you ever notice how he keeps trying to work the Real Housewives into every conversation?
Later I might go out and see some friends, but I also might not. Relaxation is sort of my number one friend right now. Well, maybe not number one, as long as I'm making friends with concepts. I'm pretty fond of sarcasm and gluttony as well.
Is it weird that I don't know anyone who actually participates in the annual tradition of Black Friday looting and rioting? At least, I don't think I do. There are a couple of secretaries at work I could definitely see punching somebody for a Blu-ray player, but that's just speculation at this point. Sometimes my mom and sister do go out later in the day just to do normal shopping; maybe they're secretly getting value-priced Dora the Explorer merchandise and just lying about it?
Regardless, my Black Fridays are generally spent sleeping in, working out, and watching television. This year my sister has the Harry Potter marathon on, which would not really be my choice, but it does serve as an excellent reminder of how ridiculously terrible my memory is. I read all of the books and saw most of the movies, and yet I remember almost none of the plot points. Although it does seem totally obvious to me now that Dumbledore was gay; did you ever notice how he keeps trying to work the Real Housewives into every conversation?
Later I might go out and see some friends, but I also might not. Relaxation is sort of my number one friend right now. Well, maybe not number one, as long as I'm making friends with concepts. I'm pretty fond of sarcasm and gluttony as well.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thanks, Giving
There is so much to be thankful for this year! So I guess I'll just give a few highlights:
-- Family. I mean, who doesn't love family? At least as a concept. Sometimes our actual families can be a bit much. But this year, mine has been pretty great. By which I mean that my sister's wedding did not result in any murder/suicides.
-- Friends. It's been off the air for almost a decade, but it still brings the chuckles reliably. Oh, and my actual friends are all right, too.
-- My health. No oral surgeries planned yet for 2014!
-- Jamie Luner, Lifetime Queen. She can really play anything, although she generally doesn't. If I had to pick just one role for a Luner novice to get to know her by, I guess I would say Jessica Slate from The Perfect Boss. As IMDB puts it, she's "used to getting what she wants, whether she has to use her brains, charm, or body to do it."
-- The finale performance from Pitch Perfect. I probably watch it at least once a week. I'm beginning to know the choreography. It's definitely right up there with the finale performances from Sister Act and Sister Act 2 (featuring Lauryn Hill).
-- Leona's. They have those mozzarella sticks that are like tree trunks. And their baked mac and cheese is truly the best reason to expose yourself to a potential heart attack at 35.
-- Murder, She Wrote. The reruns on Hallmark Movie Channel, not the planned Octavia Spencer reboot. What can I say? I just enjoy watching old ladies act like self-satisfied jerks.
-- The new Inez. Yes, she still screws with my blinds and puts my shoes in weird places, but you should see the shower when she's done with it. Actually, no, you shouldn't; it would be weird for me to invite you into my shower.
Hooray for thankfulness! It is so much better than resentfulness. That's why America eventually turned on Rosie.
There is so much to be thankful for this year! So I guess I'll just give a few highlights:
-- Family. I mean, who doesn't love family? At least as a concept. Sometimes our actual families can be a bit much. But this year, mine has been pretty great. By which I mean that my sister's wedding did not result in any murder/suicides.
-- Friends. It's been off the air for almost a decade, but it still brings the chuckles reliably. Oh, and my actual friends are all right, too.
-- My health. No oral surgeries planned yet for 2014!
-- Jamie Luner, Lifetime Queen. She can really play anything, although she generally doesn't. If I had to pick just one role for a Luner novice to get to know her by, I guess I would say Jessica Slate from The Perfect Boss. As IMDB puts it, she's "used to getting what she wants, whether she has to use her brains, charm, or body to do it."
-- The finale performance from Pitch Perfect. I probably watch it at least once a week. I'm beginning to know the choreography. It's definitely right up there with the finale performances from Sister Act and Sister Act 2 (featuring Lauryn Hill).
-- Leona's. They have those mozzarella sticks that are like tree trunks. And their baked mac and cheese is truly the best reason to expose yourself to a potential heart attack at 35.
-- Murder, She Wrote. The reruns on Hallmark Movie Channel, not the planned Octavia Spencer reboot. What can I say? I just enjoy watching old ladies act like self-satisfied jerks.
-- The new Inez. Yes, she still screws with my blinds and puts my shoes in weird places, but you should see the shower when she's done with it. Actually, no, you shouldn't; it would be weird for me to invite you into my shower.
Hooray for thankfulness! It is so much better than resentfulness. That's why America eventually turned on Rosie.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
This Business We Call Show
So I will admit that my presence here has been a bit lacking lately. I should explain that this is because I have been cast in an amateur theatrical. And no, it is not a community theater production of Godspell, no matter how fervently I might wish it. It is a musical parody show for lawyers, as most productions in fact aspire to be. I don't want to publish any spoilers here, but I can tell you that it's so amazing that it's the musical comedy equivalent of The Wire meets The Godfather meets What to Expect When You're Expecting. Also, the short shorts I purchased for an '80s-themed bachelorette this summer play a small but pivotal role. If that doesn't put butts in the seats, I don't know what will.
Anyway, my grueling rehearsal schedule has left me with little time to blog. But I have a break now for the holiday and I plan to devote some of it to this. After all, there are only so many Hallmark holiday movies I can watch.
So I will admit that my presence here has been a bit lacking lately. I should explain that this is because I have been cast in an amateur theatrical. And no, it is not a community theater production of Godspell, no matter how fervently I might wish it. It is a musical parody show for lawyers, as most productions in fact aspire to be. I don't want to publish any spoilers here, but I can tell you that it's so amazing that it's the musical comedy equivalent of The Wire meets The Godfather meets What to Expect When You're Expecting. Also, the short shorts I purchased for an '80s-themed bachelorette this summer play a small but pivotal role. If that doesn't put butts in the seats, I don't know what will.
Anyway, my grueling rehearsal schedule has left me with little time to blog. But I have a break now for the holiday and I plan to devote some of it to this. After all, there are only so many Hallmark holiday movies I can watch.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Children Are Our Future
Interesting night at the gym tonight. When I got there, a man was letting the front desk people have it about the fact that there had been children in the pool while he was there. And I mean have it. He very reasonably explained that he "hates children" and that they get out of school earlier than most people get out of work, so 3-4 when they have their class should be "their time" and basically every other part of the day should be "his time." The sound of their merry laughter is excruciating to him and it ruins what is supposed to be a relaxing time for him. I mean, look, I'm not the world's biggest fan of children (they add very little to the national economy), but I would not ever say any of these things out loud. And my favorite part of the whole thing was that he was standing about ten feet away from the people he was yelling at, such that they actually seemed to be having a hard time hearing him, despite the fact that most of the front lobby was getting it. Actually, come to think of it, he was kind of acting like a child. As my good friend Alanis would say, isn't that ironic?
Interesting night at the gym tonight. When I got there, a man was letting the front desk people have it about the fact that there had been children in the pool while he was there. And I mean have it. He very reasonably explained that he "hates children" and that they get out of school earlier than most people get out of work, so 3-4 when they have their class should be "their time" and basically every other part of the day should be "his time." The sound of their merry laughter is excruciating to him and it ruins what is supposed to be a relaxing time for him. I mean, look, I'm not the world's biggest fan of children (they add very little to the national economy), but I would not ever say any of these things out loud. And my favorite part of the whole thing was that he was standing about ten feet away from the people he was yelling at, such that they actually seemed to be having a hard time hearing him, despite the fact that most of the front lobby was getting it. Actually, come to think of it, he was kind of acting like a child. As my good friend Alanis would say, isn't that ironic?
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Awakenings, Rude
This morning my sister was awakened by a call from her doorman, saying that he was going to send someone up to help her with her shortness of breath. This was odd, since she was not suffering from shortness of breath and, in fact, not even in her apartment building, having spent the night in my guest bedroom. But many of my sister's doormen, like many doormen everywhere, have some very basic communication problems, and so my sister did not come away from this conversation at all convinced that a complete stranger was not being admitted to her apartment.
This, then, was what led to me being awakened. I had been having a dream where I was riding a friendly giraffe, so I was a bit confused. I did have the presence of mind, however, to suggest that if indeed some person was running a scam whereby they pretended to be helping strangers with shortness of breath in order to rob them, that person would probably not appreciate being caught in the act. I suggested that she force the doorman to accompany her upstairs if he had in fact given some amateur paramedic access to her kingdom. She wanted me to come, but A) I had other plans and B) I am not a ninja.
But anyway, as it turned out, everything was fine. Well, probably not for the lady who actually had been suffering from shortness of breath and got no help for it, but at least my sister didn't get robbed. I don't know what we'd do if someone stole all those back issues of Entertainment Weekly.
This morning my sister was awakened by a call from her doorman, saying that he was going to send someone up to help her with her shortness of breath. This was odd, since she was not suffering from shortness of breath and, in fact, not even in her apartment building, having spent the night in my guest bedroom. But many of my sister's doormen, like many doormen everywhere, have some very basic communication problems, and so my sister did not come away from this conversation at all convinced that a complete stranger was not being admitted to her apartment.
This, then, was what led to me being awakened. I had been having a dream where I was riding a friendly giraffe, so I was a bit confused. I did have the presence of mind, however, to suggest that if indeed some person was running a scam whereby they pretended to be helping strangers with shortness of breath in order to rob them, that person would probably not appreciate being caught in the act. I suggested that she force the doorman to accompany her upstairs if he had in fact given some amateur paramedic access to her kingdom. She wanted me to come, but A) I had other plans and B) I am not a ninja.
But anyway, as it turned out, everything was fine. Well, probably not for the lady who actually had been suffering from shortness of breath and got no help for it, but at least my sister didn't get robbed. I don't know what we'd do if someone stole all those back issues of Entertainment Weekly.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Celebrity Sightings
You're going to think I'm making this up, but I really thought I saw beloved character actor J.K. Simmons riding a Rascal scooter by Electric Mobility outside the Thompson Center this morning. I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was too busy trying to hand out fliers about a discount steak restaurant. Which is when I started to think it might not actually be him.
I'm still adding him to my list, along with Bill from the first season of The Apprentice and that lady who may or may not have been Roz from Frasier.
You're going to think I'm making this up, but I really thought I saw beloved character actor J.K. Simmons riding a Rascal scooter by Electric Mobility outside the Thompson Center this morning. I tried to make eye contact with him, but he was too busy trying to hand out fliers about a discount steak restaurant. Which is when I started to think it might not actually be him.
I'm still adding him to my list, along with Bill from the first season of The Apprentice and that lady who may or may not have been Roz from Frasier.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like...
So I have good news and bad news, and they are the same. Hallmark Channel and Lifetime and ABC Family have started to roll out their holiday movies. It is the beginning of November, after all. How could we possibly get ready for Christmas with less than seven weeks of stunt-casted magic? What is this, Communist China? Anyway, many of these movies are amazing romps where '90s b-listers meet cute at Christmas tree farms or wish they had never been born and discover the true meaning of Christmas, crazily and occasionally with a song. Others are complete Debbie Downers where war widows rediscover the joy of the holidays or sad looking orphans wish for peace on Earth. Usually you can tell from Comcast's descriptions, though. If you see the word "overcoming" or the name of a country music star, it's usually a good idea to change the channel.
The weather has also conspired to put us in a holiday mood by bringing a dusting of snow and the kind of cold that people can't stop talking about in elevators, causing me to momentarily wish for the cables to snap. Today I had a five minute conversation with a coworker about sweaters. One minute is too long. If I carried around a little chalk board, do you think people would assume I was a deaf mute?
So I have good news and bad news, and they are the same. Hallmark Channel and Lifetime and ABC Family have started to roll out their holiday movies. It is the beginning of November, after all. How could we possibly get ready for Christmas with less than seven weeks of stunt-casted magic? What is this, Communist China? Anyway, many of these movies are amazing romps where '90s b-listers meet cute at Christmas tree farms or wish they had never been born and discover the true meaning of Christmas, crazily and occasionally with a song. Others are complete Debbie Downers where war widows rediscover the joy of the holidays or sad looking orphans wish for peace on Earth. Usually you can tell from Comcast's descriptions, though. If you see the word "overcoming" or the name of a country music star, it's usually a good idea to change the channel.
The weather has also conspired to put us in a holiday mood by bringing a dusting of snow and the kind of cold that people can't stop talking about in elevators, causing me to momentarily wish for the cables to snap. Today I had a five minute conversation with a coworker about sweaters. One minute is too long. If I carried around a little chalk board, do you think people would assume I was a deaf mute?
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Candle In the Wind
We had an office birthday party on Friday. Typically, this involves eating cake and listening to people talk about their children and/or dogs. This time, though, we livened it up considerably through the addition of an open flame.
My coworker brought this "novelty candle" that shoots a jet of flame into the air before twirling a bunch of candles in a circle and playing a demented-sounding version of Happy Birthday. The picture on the box is actually a pretty good facsimile. Although, to be clear, there was no crew of tiny blue men to help set up the candle.
You can tell it's a good product when there are multiple points upon which you must be cautioned before you use it. I especially like #4, as I generally prefer to light candles using the power of my mind as opposed to a flame. #3 presents a bit of a problem, though, as I'm well known for pushing my fire-stick into the lighting hole.
The instructions are really helpful. Especially the part where you have "an elegant handicraft" once the fire has ended. Assuming the fire marshal allows you to keep what's left after you've been released from jail, this is very true.
This part is maybe a little hard to read in the picture, but the diagrams at the bottom are really where the action is at. Don't we all strive for "exactitude" in our lives but often end up with "mistake?"
When my birthday comes around again, I'm asking for a bonfire.
Thursday, November 07, 2013
Breaking News
I guess I probably should have mentioned that Halloween happened. I mean, not that you didn't know it happened, but generally I make note of your major holidays in some way on here. I didn't really do anything for Halloween; I gave up costumes a while ago when I realized I could just go ahead and be slutty in real life. There was, however, a wonderful incident in which the teacher of my interval training class decided to purchase a special "Halloween Mix" to play while we did our burpees and dead lifts. There was a lot of Thriller involved, I'll tell you that. And Monster Mash, which she complained was included in the mix against her express wishes. Also she expressed unhappiness that Devil Went Down to Georgia was "not a Halloween song." Which begs the question: are Halloween songs even a thing? My vote is no.
Oh, we also watched "The Conjuring." And by watched, I mean I spent most of the time looking at my phone because I didn't want to be startled by something. But I really enjoyed the audio portion. Super scary. Although in fairness, I say that about pretty much everything involving Vera Farmiga.
I guess I probably should have mentioned that Halloween happened. I mean, not that you didn't know it happened, but generally I make note of your major holidays in some way on here. I didn't really do anything for Halloween; I gave up costumes a while ago when I realized I could just go ahead and be slutty in real life. There was, however, a wonderful incident in which the teacher of my interval training class decided to purchase a special "Halloween Mix" to play while we did our burpees and dead lifts. There was a lot of Thriller involved, I'll tell you that. And Monster Mash, which she complained was included in the mix against her express wishes. Also she expressed unhappiness that Devil Went Down to Georgia was "not a Halloween song." Which begs the question: are Halloween songs even a thing? My vote is no.
Oh, we also watched "The Conjuring." And by watched, I mean I spent most of the time looking at my phone because I didn't want to be startled by something. But I really enjoyed the audio portion. Super scary. Although in fairness, I say that about pretty much everything involving Vera Farmiga.
Monday, November 04, 2013
American Reunion
I had my ten year law school reunion this weekend. It was one of those things where I got the invite and just sort of assumed that I would go and then after RSVPing immediately began wondering why I had agreed to go. But having already spent $120 on it, I was definitely going. And I ended up being fairly glad that I did, even if my drinking plans were totally thrown into disarray when it turned out it was a beer and wine bar. I saw a lot of nice people who I had not seen in a while, and for the most part did not say ridiculous or embarrassing things to them. (Exception: I did find myself talking at length about Lorde for some reason, although for the record I'm not like writing her name in a big heart on my Trapper Keeper or anything.) A lot of people even looked better than they did in law school, which is saying a lot given the horrible things that ten years of legal practice can do to a person. I mean, it's amazing how few of my classmates got rickets or scurvy. And I was really pleased that a lot of the conversation took the form of "remember that time you dressed up as Hillary Clinton for Halloween and threw up on that girl" as opposed to "so tell me about your law practice." Also there were mini burgers that were delicious, although I did not get nearly enough of them. It was quite possibly the social event of the season.
I had my ten year law school reunion this weekend. It was one of those things where I got the invite and just sort of assumed that I would go and then after RSVPing immediately began wondering why I had agreed to go. But having already spent $120 on it, I was definitely going. And I ended up being fairly glad that I did, even if my drinking plans were totally thrown into disarray when it turned out it was a beer and wine bar. I saw a lot of nice people who I had not seen in a while, and for the most part did not say ridiculous or embarrassing things to them. (Exception: I did find myself talking at length about Lorde for some reason, although for the record I'm not like writing her name in a big heart on my Trapper Keeper or anything.) A lot of people even looked better than they did in law school, which is saying a lot given the horrible things that ten years of legal practice can do to a person. I mean, it's amazing how few of my classmates got rickets or scurvy. And I was really pleased that a lot of the conversation took the form of "remember that time you dressed up as Hillary Clinton for Halloween and threw up on that girl" as opposed to "so tell me about your law practice." Also there were mini burgers that were delicious, although I did not get nearly enough of them. It was quite possibly the social event of the season.
Saturday, November 02, 2013
Special Projects
For reasons that should be obvious to everyone, I'm trying to pick out a show tune I can use to write a parody song about real estate tax judges. For reasons that are wholly mystifying, I'm having a terrible time of it. I've seriously been googling for about three hours here, and for once that is not a dirty pun. Can you believe that Cole Porter never wrote a song where the refrain ends with the exact number of syllables and division of stressed and unstressed syllables I need to put in the name of the appropriate court? I feel like he was really falling down on the job there. Especially since I have now learned that he wrote songs called "At Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe in Cheyenne" and "That Zip Cornwall Cooch." And don't even get me started on "Beautiful, Primitive Indian Girls." Didn't the Greatest Generation come of age in some racially interesting times?
I've actually learned a great deal today, which is part of the problem. I'm just trying to get a song list from My Fair Lady so I can figure out if I can cram assessment jokes into any of the big numbers and then I get drawn into the whole Julie Andrews/Audrey Hepburn controversy and the next thing I know I end up reading the entire Wikipedia entry. Or did you know that Gertrude Lawrence had cancer (and didn't know it) for pretty much her entire run in The King & I? I sure didn't, but isn't that depressing? She died before the original show even closed. Oscar Hammerstein II also died of cancer. And Richard Rodgers had it but survived before dying of something else. What an uplifting afternoon I have caused this to be!
Anyway, I blame science. They can send a man to the moon but they can't invent a machine that would just write this damn thing for me. Tragically shortsighted, if you ask me.
For reasons that should be obvious to everyone, I'm trying to pick out a show tune I can use to write a parody song about real estate tax judges. For reasons that are wholly mystifying, I'm having a terrible time of it. I've seriously been googling for about three hours here, and for once that is not a dirty pun. Can you believe that Cole Porter never wrote a song where the refrain ends with the exact number of syllables and division of stressed and unstressed syllables I need to put in the name of the appropriate court? I feel like he was really falling down on the job there. Especially since I have now learned that he wrote songs called "At Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe in Cheyenne" and "That Zip Cornwall Cooch." And don't even get me started on "Beautiful, Primitive Indian Girls." Didn't the Greatest Generation come of age in some racially interesting times?
I've actually learned a great deal today, which is part of the problem. I'm just trying to get a song list from My Fair Lady so I can figure out if I can cram assessment jokes into any of the big numbers and then I get drawn into the whole Julie Andrews/Audrey Hepburn controversy and the next thing I know I end up reading the entire Wikipedia entry. Or did you know that Gertrude Lawrence had cancer (and didn't know it) for pretty much her entire run in The King & I? I sure didn't, but isn't that depressing? She died before the original show even closed. Oscar Hammerstein II also died of cancer. And Richard Rodgers had it but survived before dying of something else. What an uplifting afternoon I have caused this to be!
Anyway, I blame science. They can send a man to the moon but they can't invent a machine that would just write this damn thing for me. Tragically shortsighted, if you ask me.
