the ocean

So I recently bought a new tuxedo at a national department store chain that will remain unnamed, but is generally reputed to have good customer service. And I'd had good experiences buying suits there before. But this time, something was off from the beginning. The sales guy asked me the same questions like three times and showed strangely little interest in showing me items that I might buy. But he did show me a tux I liked, so I bought it. He said that they would have to order the jacket in the style I liked and that, when it came in, he'd call me so we could figure out the alterations and pick out the shirt and tie I wanted to go with it.

"You'll get an email telling you it has come in, but wait for me to call you before you come to get it, because I want to help make sure everything is right," he said.

I got the email two days later. He did not call. Then I got another email telling me if I didn't pick the tux up the next day, they would cancel the order.

So I went in to pick it up. The sales guy was nowhere to be found and they tried to just hand me a box with an unfished tuxedo in it. I pointed out that the pants don't even come hemmed, so I would definitely need some alterations. They asked me if I knew the alterations would cost extra. No one had mentioned that before, of course, but I wasn't super put off by that. It was an extra service, so fine, it cost extra. The tailor made some measurements and they gave me a ticket telling me it was "promised 3/22/26," a week later.

The week went by and I didn't hear anything, so I headed back to the store this afternoon. When they scanned my receipt, they said "hmm," which I did not take to be a good sign. They asked me to take a seat while they checked on it, which I took to be an even worse sign.

Ten minutes later, a different clerk came to tell me the tux would not be ready until the next day. They were just really busy and needed more time to do it right. That is when I found myself hovering outside my body and I heard myself asking to see a manager.

Perhaps if I hadn't already had the previous bad experience, this wouldn't have happened. Perhaps if I hadn't just paid $33 for the privilege of parking so I could be told it wasn't ready and I'd have to come back the next day and do it all over again, for the fourth time on this particular transaction. Perhaps if I couldn't see literally dozens of people around me having what appeared to be the time of their lives getting the customer service this store is known for...

But I did see a manager, and they did get the alteration finished in 20 minutes flat, and the tux did look great, and they did comp both the alteration and my parking.

So yes, I feel like a complete monster, but the fact of the matter is monsters get shit done sometimes. And if I had been my normal pleasant, understanding self, I would have left without a tux and $33 dollars poorer. 

I understand I'm unlikely to be the subject of a ValueTale any time soon.

 -- The Bravo Vault. I'm telling you, some of these old seasons of Top Chef really slapped hard. And it's fascinating just to remember how reality TV was before 95% of the people on it came with a plan for how they should produce themselvers.

-- The Top Model Documentary. Honestly, for those of us who have devoted serious scholarship to ANTM, there was nothing all that surprising. Except maybe Tyra's decision to dress as Carmen Sandiego for her interviews. We always knew it was a fairly demented enterprise.

-- The Oscar Race Continuing. We are up to 8/10 best picture nominees, with a week to go. I enjoyed both The Secret Agent and Sentimental Value despite having to read subtitles for several hours. I'm typically more of a "just listen to the movie while doing other things" kind of guy.

-- Travel Mishaps. Two weeks ago I was stuck on the tarmac at Reagan National for 45 minutes because they didn't have a gate available for us. Apparently, two inches of snow is enough to ground flights in DC. In Chicago we keep flying until there is actively an abominable snowperson clutching the wing of the plane.

-- Fake Spring. It's going to get up to 60 degrees in Chicago today. And then by by Thursday we'll be back below freezing. I'm not falling for it this year. 

-- Nostalgia. As I prepare for my '90s show next month, I've reviewed my old high school yearbooks. Man, we had some hairstyles back then. But no social media, so I guess we win.

I'm gearing up for my annual show! As in, it is finally fully written and I've done enough rehearsing that I'm actually fairly confident I'll be able to get through it. Also I'm reasonably certain the theater won't be closed by the building inspector or run off with my money between now and April.

This year's theme is the '90s. I was in high school and then college during the '90s, so it's a particularly pivotal decade for me. We did the macarena at my senior prom. Titanic swept the Oscars my sophomore year. I was somehow brainwashed into swing dancing on the lower level of the university commons. What a wonderful time to be alive!

We will also be featuring solely music from the '90s in this program. But no, Mmmmmbop did not make the cut, as I lack the lyrical skill to rework that particular classic. Not to mention the long, lustrous locks of a Hanson. 

So if you happen to be in Chicago on April 12 and have $20, join us. Or don't, of course. I mean, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life.