the ocean

I'm sure that someday I will both do something and feel like I can write about it again. But I'm frankly not doing that much that's interesting right now and, when I do, I don't really want to expose myself to public judgment. So more from the archive. 

This is a parody of the song "Happy" I wrote for my annual lawyer musical but never used. Based on the pop culture references, I'd guess it's about a 2014 vintage.

"Happy"

Real American One: Supreme Court took my birth control away!

My son got fired, just because he’s gay.

And the mess in Iraq gets worse every day.

But I swear, I just don’t care baby let me say.

All: Because I'm happy…

Real American Two: Every day I get to play Candy Crush and Words With Friends!
All: Because I'm happy…
Real American Three: Thanks to Golden Girls reruns the laughter never ends!
All: Because I'm happy…
Real American Four: Taco Bell serves breakfast now; Waffle Tacos are the best!
All: Because I'm happy…

Real American Five: Watch some Game of Thrones and you just might see a little breast! 

RA2: The scientists say our planet’s getting hot!
Seems like each day somebody’s getting shot.

Well, you will probably tell me I should give it thought,
No offense to you, don't waste your time
Here's why

All: Because I’m happy…

RA3: I can watch kittens sneeze on YouTube any time!

All: Because I’m happy…

RA4: When you’ve got Kardashians, who cares about war crime?!

All: Because I’m happy…

RA5: All the news that I need I get from Us Weekly.

All: Because I’m happy…

RA1: Like that time that Taylor Swift went out with a Kennedy! 

All: Happy, happy, happy… (and so on, as in original, with the following layered over the top)
RA3: Bring me down
Can't nothing
Bring me down
Free Starbucks Wi Fi!
RA4: Bring me down
Can't nothing
Bring me down
I said (let me tell you now)
Bring me down
Can't nothing
Bring me down
My morning Red Eye!
RA5: Bring me down
Can't nothing
Bring me down
I said

All: Because I’m happy…

RA1: Who can cry about the news when there’s Netflix to watch?

All: Because I’m happy…

RA2: I once found a website that’s all about Tilda Swinton’s crotch.

All: Because I’m happy…

RA3: I can send my kid away to Twilight Fantasy Camp!

All: Because I’m happy…

RA4: And I’m really pumped about the new Charlton Heston stamp!

(Fade out.)

This week's selection is the toast I gave at my friend Liz's wedding. Feel free to just sub in the names of your friends and reuse it. They totally won't notice, I'm sure.

* * * * * 

So first and foremost, I want to thank the Liz and Andy for including me in their special day, especially in light of their many personal experiences with me indicating that that might be a terrible idea. I want to reassure them from the start, however, that the obscenities will be light and that there will be no song, by Bette Midler or otherwise.

So Liz and I met back in the fall of 2000, at the dawn of the new millennium, if you will.  America was thrilling to stories of hanging chads and butterfly ballots as well as the smooth sounds of Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Chances are Liz and I were both sporting chunky sweaters; I know for a fact that I had bangs.  We were in law school, which meant that people were always shouting things about sovereign immunity and that our idea of a hot night out was getting a six pack of Zima and watching “The Real World.”  Liz and I bonded over a shared love of Christopher Guest movies, giant cookie cakes, and the fact that she owned two copies of Alanis Morrissette’s Jagged Little Pill. 

And we have shared a lot over the years.  We co-directed the law school sketch comedy show, which was a lot like co-directing The Trail of Tears.  We became roommates, which explains how all those episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras ended up on my DVR.  I was there when she got dumped over gchat; she was there when I got an intestinal parasite.  We hosted Thanksgivings together, by which I mean that Liz did a lot of amazing cooking and I dressed up like a slutty pilgrim.  But more than that, we shared a lot about what we wanted out of life.  And while I mainly just wanted to own a Taco Bell Express, Liz had her eye on doing some amazing, creative things.  And on finding someone incredible to join her on that journey.  And I thought, yeah, good luck with that one.

But then I met Andy.  And I knew, maybe not immediately, but pretty early on, I knew that he was the person who complemented Liz in the best way possible.  Such a kind, funny, intelligent, supportive guy, and he didn’t even mind that one of her dogs ate her couch and the other threw herself out a window.  In fact, Andy fit right in, whether we were making culturally insensitive jack-o-lanterns or racing small children down extreme waterslides in the Wisconsin Dells.  And even though Andy and Liz have both been through some tough times in recent years, it hasn’t strained their relationship; it’s made it stronger.  It’s amazing.  And actually kind of irritating.  Come on guys, you’re making the rest of us look bad here.

But seriously, I’m so happy to be here celebrating your wedding and all the amazing things that are to come.  I’m not going to sing it, but you really are the wind beneath my wings.  And so I’d like to ask all of you to raise your glasses to the bride and groom and the wonderful life they are sure to enjoy together.

This week I have a real treat from the archives, a write-up of my 2008 research on an episode of the The Hills. You see, we used to have weekly viewing parties with follow-up research assignments. Ah, the days of being able to care about stupid things...

1. How old is Brent Bolthouse?

            According to Brent’s Myspace profile, he is 38. Also, he is Caucasian, does not smoke or drink, and makes over $250,000 a year. He asks God for the serenity he needs to accept those things he cannot change, the courage to change those things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2. What will Heidi’s job duties be in Las Vegas?

            According to a Bolthouse job listing at theladders.com, a marketing professional at Bolthouse is expected to develop marketing plans and timelines for new venues, manage the day-to-day execution of plans, help in brainstorming new initiatives, and compile and update targeted mailing lists of influencers. Of course, it also requires 8-10 years of experience in the industry.

3. Alkaline Trio discography and membership.

            Formed by ex-Jerkwater and Traitors drummer Matt Skiba (vocals/guitar), Glenn Porter (drums/vocals) — formerly of 88 Fingers Louie — and Rob Doran (bass/vocals), Alkaline Trio was brought together in 1997 by heartbreak, angst, and the companionship of drinking. Their albums are: 1998’s Goddamnit, 2000’s Maybe I’ll Catch Fire, 2001’s From Here to Infirmary, 2003’s Good Mourning, 2005’s Crimson, and 2008’s Agony and Irony.

4. What was Lo drinking poolside?

            Informed speculation at Tvguide.com message boards suggests that Lo was drinking Lemonade, perhaps with a splash or two of vodka.

5. What’s the address Audrina texted for the Alkaline Trio recording session? How did they feel when Lo left?

            According to punkmusic.com, Alkaline Trio has recorded most of their albums at Hangar 1018 Recording Studios, which is listed at 1018 S. Santa Fe Avenue. The band had no comment Lo’s absence.

6. Is there a soul behind Kimberly’s eyes?

            No. As imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com, points out, Kimberly’s “cubicle” is utterly empty and it’s not even clear that she actually works at Bolthouse. She frequently squints while talking, making it appear that she must read cue cards to express even the most basic emotions. She is clearly a robot.

7. What restaurant are Lo and Lauren at?

            It’s impossible to be sure, but all signs point to Ketchup.

8. Who is Sam? Is he hot?

            A search of Brent Bolthouse’s Myspace friends revealed a “Sam” who is 30 years old and lives in New York. He does not appear to be hot.

9. What did Audrina make for breakfast?

            According to the blogosphere, it was bacon, eggs, and toast. But the eggs were kind of dry.

10. Is breakup leave part of the Bolthouse benefits package?

            According to its website, Bolthouse offers full vacation and medical/personal leave. It is unclear whether traveling to Colorado to get “some space” from Spencer is included under personal leave.