the ocean

This week's selection is the toast I gave at my friend Liz's wedding. Feel free to just sub in the names of your friends and reuse it. They totally won't notice, I'm sure.

* * * * * 

So first and foremost, I want to thank the Liz and Andy for including me in their special day, especially in light of their many personal experiences with me indicating that that might be a terrible idea. I want to reassure them from the start, however, that the obscenities will be light and that there will be no song, by Bette Midler or otherwise.

So Liz and I met back in the fall of 2000, at the dawn of the new millennium, if you will.  America was thrilling to stories of hanging chads and butterfly ballots as well as the smooth sounds of Baha Men’s “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Chances are Liz and I were both sporting chunky sweaters; I know for a fact that I had bangs.  We were in law school, which meant that people were always shouting things about sovereign immunity and that our idea of a hot night out was getting a six pack of Zima and watching “The Real World.”  Liz and I bonded over a shared love of Christopher Guest movies, giant cookie cakes, and the fact that she owned two copies of Alanis Morrissette’s Jagged Little Pill. 

And we have shared a lot over the years.  We co-directed the law school sketch comedy show, which was a lot like co-directing The Trail of Tears.  We became roommates, which explains how all those episodes of Toddlers & Tiaras ended up on my DVR.  I was there when she got dumped over gchat; she was there when I got an intestinal parasite.  We hosted Thanksgivings together, by which I mean that Liz did a lot of amazing cooking and I dressed up like a slutty pilgrim.  But more than that, we shared a lot about what we wanted out of life.  And while I mainly just wanted to own a Taco Bell Express, Liz had her eye on doing some amazing, creative things.  And on finding someone incredible to join her on that journey.  And I thought, yeah, good luck with that one.

But then I met Andy.  And I knew, maybe not immediately, but pretty early on, I knew that he was the person who complemented Liz in the best way possible.  Such a kind, funny, intelligent, supportive guy, and he didn’t even mind that one of her dogs ate her couch and the other threw herself out a window.  In fact, Andy fit right in, whether we were making culturally insensitive jack-o-lanterns or racing small children down extreme waterslides in the Wisconsin Dells.  And even though Andy and Liz have both been through some tough times in recent years, it hasn’t strained their relationship; it’s made it stronger.  It’s amazing.  And actually kind of irritating.  Come on guys, you’re making the rest of us look bad here.

But seriously, I’m so happy to be here celebrating your wedding and all the amazing things that are to come.  I’m not going to sing it, but you really are the wind beneath my wings.  And so I’d like to ask all of you to raise your glasses to the bride and groom and the wonderful life they are sure to enjoy together.