Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Higher Office
I have been appointed the treasurer of my condo association. Isn't that what every young person dreams of? All those years of struggling and striving, wearing your fingers down to a nub doing calculations on your TI-73, developing an eating disorder just for the hell of it, and finally you really arrive, as the third in command of a do-nothing organization with income of less than $500 a month, a quarter of which comes from you personally. I have a checkbook and a debit card and everything, and I am even authorized to use them in the event of a water or power bill. I'm trying not to become too drunk with power, but come on, I have an accordion file with last year's insurance invoice in it. How sexy is that?
This is actually a big step up from my last post as secretary, if only because I won't have to take notes of the meetings we have about once every five years. My hand does cramp up something fierce. And maybe I can throw out those binders they gave me when I became secretary that I never opened. Freeing up some additional storage space in the kitchen pantry would definitely make my whole life worthwhile.
I have been appointed the treasurer of my condo association. Isn't that what every young person dreams of? All those years of struggling and striving, wearing your fingers down to a nub doing calculations on your TI-73, developing an eating disorder just for the hell of it, and finally you really arrive, as the third in command of a do-nothing organization with income of less than $500 a month, a quarter of which comes from you personally. I have a checkbook and a debit card and everything, and I am even authorized to use them in the event of a water or power bill. I'm trying not to become too drunk with power, but come on, I have an accordion file with last year's insurance invoice in it. How sexy is that?
This is actually a big step up from my last post as secretary, if only because I won't have to take notes of the meetings we have about once every five years. My hand does cramp up something fierce. And maybe I can throw out those binders they gave me when I became secretary that I never opened. Freeing up some additional storage space in the kitchen pantry would definitely make my whole life worthwhile.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Back to Black
I'm watching Black Swan for the second time right now. Well, watching is maybe the wrong term. I keep turning away like every five minutes because something gross is going to happen to someone's fingernails and/or face. Also I'm spending a pretty good amount of time on the internet looking for information on the new season of Degrassi coming up. But it's on, at least.
Frankly, it's pretty fucked up. I mean, I'm all for Natalie Portman masturbating and dyking out with Mila Kunis, but there are long stretches in between where she's essentially just trembling and looking sad. Or sprouting feathers or some shit. I'm sure it's all supposed to be very profound, but I like my profundity a bit less gory, I guess. It is pretty great when she shoves Mila into that mirror, though.
I'm watching Black Swan for the second time right now. Well, watching is maybe the wrong term. I keep turning away like every five minutes because something gross is going to happen to someone's fingernails and/or face. Also I'm spending a pretty good amount of time on the internet looking for information on the new season of Degrassi coming up. But it's on, at least.
Frankly, it's pretty fucked up. I mean, I'm all for Natalie Portman masturbating and dyking out with Mila Kunis, but there are long stretches in between where she's essentially just trembling and looking sad. Or sprouting feathers or some shit. I'm sure it's all supposed to be very profound, but I like my profundity a bit less gory, I guess. It is pretty great when she shoves Mila into that mirror, though.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Cold & Calculated
I have recently rediscovered the joys of the TI-73. I've been doing a lot of calculating for work lately and I finally got tired of using the mouse to click each number in to the tiny calculator that microsoft provides. I actually requisitioned a calculator from my office (I had to fill out a form and everything), but when it arrived it only went up to eight digits. That's not going to do it for my clients! So I brought in the good old TI-73 from home, and it's super fun! It doesn't take me three hours to type in a single digit, plus I can see the whole sequence of numbers I'm adding on the screen to double check for mistakes without having to do everything twice. I actually have the ability to square things. And the graphs, oh my good lord the graphs! I worry that I am actually beginning to become sexually aroused.
The bad news, though, is that the batteries are almost dead, a fact of which it advises me every time I turn it on. Amazing how that can happen after a mere five years in a drawer. I blame the Chinese, obviously.
I have recently rediscovered the joys of the TI-73. I've been doing a lot of calculating for work lately and I finally got tired of using the mouse to click each number in to the tiny calculator that microsoft provides. I actually requisitioned a calculator from my office (I had to fill out a form and everything), but when it arrived it only went up to eight digits. That's not going to do it for my clients! So I brought in the good old TI-73 from home, and it's super fun! It doesn't take me three hours to type in a single digit, plus I can see the whole sequence of numbers I'm adding on the screen to double check for mistakes without having to do everything twice. I actually have the ability to square things. And the graphs, oh my good lord the graphs! I worry that I am actually beginning to become sexually aroused.
The bad news, though, is that the batteries are almost dead, a fact of which it advises me every time I turn it on. Amazing how that can happen after a mere five years in a drawer. I blame the Chinese, obviously.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Once in a Lifetime
I have recently become rather enamored of the Lifetime Movie Network. Perhaps I should be ashamed of this, but I honestly feel like it says more about the sad state of summer television than about my taste as an individual. There's just nothing else to watch!
Not that I need anything else, of course. There are plenty of cheating husbands, psychotic homewreckers, and tragic accidents to entertain for weeks over on LMN. And the titles, oh, the titles! They've never met a cliche they didn't love. Right now I'm watching part of the "Affairs of the Heart" series entitled "Stranger in my Bed." It's about a woman who has changed her identity to avoid her abusive ex husband. And apparently to get a horrible weave, as well. It's a two-part plan.
There are lots of great second acts in American acting lives on LMN as well. Sure, everyone knows about how Connie Selleca and Tori Spelling made it big on Lifetime, but what about Tiffany Thiessen, Dana Delaney, Sharon Lawrence, and Kelly Preston? Those are just the huge star shining brightly IN THE NEXT WEEK on LMN.
I feel like I've already said too much about this, but come on. Someone has to advocate for Great Art in America.
I have recently become rather enamored of the Lifetime Movie Network. Perhaps I should be ashamed of this, but I honestly feel like it says more about the sad state of summer television than about my taste as an individual. There's just nothing else to watch!
Not that I need anything else, of course. There are plenty of cheating husbands, psychotic homewreckers, and tragic accidents to entertain for weeks over on LMN. And the titles, oh, the titles! They've never met a cliche they didn't love. Right now I'm watching part of the "Affairs of the Heart" series entitled "Stranger in my Bed." It's about a woman who has changed her identity to avoid her abusive ex husband. And apparently to get a horrible weave, as well. It's a two-part plan.
There are lots of great second acts in American acting lives on LMN as well. Sure, everyone knows about how Connie Selleca and Tori Spelling made it big on Lifetime, but what about Tiffany Thiessen, Dana Delaney, Sharon Lawrence, and Kelly Preston? Those are just the huge star shining brightly IN THE NEXT WEEK on LMN.
I feel like I've already said too much about this, but come on. Someone has to advocate for Great Art in America.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Class
So I have continued to take my fitness classes every Saturday morning, which sort of makes me feel like a 42-year old soccer mom from the suburbs, but so be it. There are a lot of great things about these classes, first and foremost among them being the fact that I now have an ab. (Yes, it's just one, but I'm starting small.) It also amazing to enjoy the personnel for these classes, which include:
-- Our teacher, who plays the entire Lady Gaga catalogue for every class and likes to make commentary on the songs, such as "Number one song in the country, everyone" and "This one really gets you up and moving, doesn't it?"
-- The crazy lady who comes ten minutes late to every class, does all of the moves as though she's slightly narcoleptic, and smiles at herself in the mirror the whole time.
-- The pregnant lady so thin you can pretty much see the baby's facial features.
-- The guy who appears to be auditioning for A Chorus Line in every class, adding high kicks and jazz hands to even the most low key moves.
-- The guy who wrings the sweat out of his towel directly onto the mat that someone else is going to end up using next week.
-- The lady who just sits in the back and stares.
With this fearless crew to help me, I am bound to be fit and healthy in nothing flat!
So I have continued to take my fitness classes every Saturday morning, which sort of makes me feel like a 42-year old soccer mom from the suburbs, but so be it. There are a lot of great things about these classes, first and foremost among them being the fact that I now have an ab. (Yes, it's just one, but I'm starting small.) It also amazing to enjoy the personnel for these classes, which include:
-- Our teacher, who plays the entire Lady Gaga catalogue for every class and likes to make commentary on the songs, such as "Number one song in the country, everyone" and "This one really gets you up and moving, doesn't it?"
-- The crazy lady who comes ten minutes late to every class, does all of the moves as though she's slightly narcoleptic, and smiles at herself in the mirror the whole time.
-- The pregnant lady so thin you can pretty much see the baby's facial features.
-- The guy who appears to be auditioning for A Chorus Line in every class, adding high kicks and jazz hands to even the most low key moves.
-- The guy who wrings the sweat out of his towel directly onto the mat that someone else is going to end up using next week.
-- The lady who just sits in the back and stares.
With this fearless crew to help me, I am bound to be fit and healthy in nothing flat!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Real
I saw my first ever episode of Real Housewives of New York tonight. Or rather, my first ever three quarters of an episode. It left me rather confused, I fear. I mean, I know it's a reality show and therefore by definition fake, but this one seems faker than most, sort of like everyone realizes they're supposed to be fake. Maybe it's the fact that most of their facial features are fake, I don't know. But seriously, these women are not good at portraying human beings.
Also, why are there so many of them? I find it very hard to keep track. Especially since they all have the same plastic-surgery-induced catlike smile. Although some of them definitely have better surgeons than others. The key is in the facial mobility, as in it is good to have some of it.
There was a lot of passive aggression. Not yelling so much as people just sort of casually sniping at one another. It was sort of like if that one scene from the Hills where LC and Heidi first saw each other after the sex tape rumor lasted for a full hour. You may not understand what in the world these people are fighting about, but you can certainly tell they genuinely don't like each other. I did like the part where they made fun of each other's clothes, though.
I think I need something with fewer layers of meaning, like Top Model or Balzac.
I saw my first ever episode of Real Housewives of New York tonight. Or rather, my first ever three quarters of an episode. It left me rather confused, I fear. I mean, I know it's a reality show and therefore by definition fake, but this one seems faker than most, sort of like everyone realizes they're supposed to be fake. Maybe it's the fact that most of their facial features are fake, I don't know. But seriously, these women are not good at portraying human beings.
Also, why are there so many of them? I find it very hard to keep track. Especially since they all have the same plastic-surgery-induced catlike smile. Although some of them definitely have better surgeons than others. The key is in the facial mobility, as in it is good to have some of it.
There was a lot of passive aggression. Not yelling so much as people just sort of casually sniping at one another. It was sort of like if that one scene from the Hills where LC and Heidi first saw each other after the sex tape rumor lasted for a full hour. You may not understand what in the world these people are fighting about, but you can certainly tell they genuinely don't like each other. I did like the part where they made fun of each other's clothes, though.
I think I need something with fewer layers of meaning, like Top Model or Balzac.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Insert Title Here
I saw Super 8 tonight. I thought I should have some hilarious jokey title for this like "Super Great" or "8 is Enough" or "I Stayed at a Super 8 Motel Once and Found a Condom in the Shower," but I just couldn't do it. Sorry, I'm sure I'll be back to punning in no time.
Anyway, it was pretty good. It was not at all what I expected, frankly. I thought it would be one of those creature movies where there's like heads exploding and guts everywhere and all sorts of startling jump cuts, but it turned out to have all kinds of feelings and soaring soundtrack and stuff. As it turned out, the REAL monster was parental abandonment.
As for the other monster, it was sort of lame, but that's kind of what I expect from these things at this point. It kind of looked like a big spider with Brad Pitt's eyes. It didn't really do too terribly much disembowling, either. And it was magnetic for some reason or other?
As for the OTHER other monster, it's name is Elle Fanning, and I'm pretty sure it lives under the sea.
I saw Super 8 tonight. I thought I should have some hilarious jokey title for this like "Super Great" or "8 is Enough" or "I Stayed at a Super 8 Motel Once and Found a Condom in the Shower," but I just couldn't do it. Sorry, I'm sure I'll be back to punning in no time.
Anyway, it was pretty good. It was not at all what I expected, frankly. I thought it would be one of those creature movies where there's like heads exploding and guts everywhere and all sorts of startling jump cuts, but it turned out to have all kinds of feelings and soaring soundtrack and stuff. As it turned out, the REAL monster was parental abandonment.
As for the other monster, it was sort of lame, but that's kind of what I expect from these things at this point. It kind of looked like a big spider with Brad Pitt's eyes. It didn't really do too terribly much disembowling, either. And it was magnetic for some reason or other?
As for the OTHER other monster, it's name is Elle Fanning, and I'm pretty sure it lives under the sea.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Greetings
I missed you all during my uneventful absence. I'm not going to lie; some days this week I was crazy busy, but other days I just plain forgot. So here we are on Sunday, liveblogging my feelings of guilt and inadequacy. This should be fun for the whole family, like mid-90s Robin Williams or the less pornographic programming on ABC Family.
So my big news is that I broke out in hives this morning for no apparent reason. Just after breakfast I turned bright red, felt heat radiating off my body, and itched like crazy. I had not eaten anything foreign or rolled around in any industrial materials. At first I thought it was a massive acne breakout, but even when I was actually 14 things were never that bad for me. The combination of a spontaneous shower and a half tab of Benadryl returned me to my natural color and consistency.
I also finished the Tina Fay book this week. I enjoyed it a lot, although I was a bit disappointed that roughly a quarter of it had already appeared in the New Yorker. I actually laughed out loud a couple of times while reading it, which caused my fellow passengers to inch slowly away from me on the train. Which, frankly, is not a bad thing. Summer body odor season has definitely begun.
I missed you all during my uneventful absence. I'm not going to lie; some days this week I was crazy busy, but other days I just plain forgot. So here we are on Sunday, liveblogging my feelings of guilt and inadequacy. This should be fun for the whole family, like mid-90s Robin Williams or the less pornographic programming on ABC Family.
So my big news is that I broke out in hives this morning for no apparent reason. Just after breakfast I turned bright red, felt heat radiating off my body, and itched like crazy. I had not eaten anything foreign or rolled around in any industrial materials. At first I thought it was a massive acne breakout, but even when I was actually 14 things were never that bad for me. The combination of a spontaneous shower and a half tab of Benadryl returned me to my natural color and consistency.
I also finished the Tina Fay book this week. I enjoyed it a lot, although I was a bit disappointed that roughly a quarter of it had already appeared in the New Yorker. I actually laughed out loud a couple of times while reading it, which caused my fellow passengers to inch slowly away from me on the train. Which, frankly, is not a bad thing. Summer body odor season has definitely begun.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
Summer Times
There is nothing like a hot day to destroy people's sense of what apparel is work appropriate. You pass 90 and suddenly crop tops and bicycle pants seem like just the thing to wear to that court appearance. Making that sales call in your Speedo seems like an acceptable risk. Yesterday the air conditioning in my office building went out (because apparently that can happen) and I was longing for a pair of short shorts myself. Let it be clear that I am not complaining, however; I will take heat stroke over January in Chicago any day.
Thankfully we have a new frozen yogurt shop to help beat the heat in my neighborhood. They even claim that a small cup is only 100 calories, although I'm guessing that's before I've dressed it up with about five pounds of cookie dough bits, white chocolate chips, and fudge topping. The greatest thing, though, is that you pay by the pound, so I don't get burned for being a total topping hog. I've always said that, with a little luck, one can really make gluttony pay.
There is nothing like a hot day to destroy people's sense of what apparel is work appropriate. You pass 90 and suddenly crop tops and bicycle pants seem like just the thing to wear to that court appearance. Making that sales call in your Speedo seems like an acceptable risk. Yesterday the air conditioning in my office building went out (because apparently that can happen) and I was longing for a pair of short shorts myself. Let it be clear that I am not complaining, however; I will take heat stroke over January in Chicago any day.
Thankfully we have a new frozen yogurt shop to help beat the heat in my neighborhood. They even claim that a small cup is only 100 calories, although I'm guessing that's before I've dressed it up with about five pounds of cookie dough bits, white chocolate chips, and fudge topping. The greatest thing, though, is that you pay by the pound, so I don't get burned for being a total topping hog. I've always said that, with a little luck, one can really make gluttony pay.
Sunday, June 05, 2011
Fun/Sun
Why is it that no matter how liberal I am with the sunscreen, I always manage to miss a spot somewhere? Now I've got a burn in the middle of my back, but everywhere else is pretty white. And it hurts when I sit back in my chair or, for that matter, shrug my shoulders. Like most problems that white people have, this one will only last a few days, but it is still annoying. I bought more sunscreen today just for good measure.
I've actually been to Walgreen's twice, CVS once, and Jewel once in the last three days. Part of it is that I keep forgetting to buy ant traps. But part of it is also just that the Walgreen's is between here and the gym. So why NOT stop to buy some Pez?
The source of the sunburn, by the way, was my trip to my sister's pool yesterday. Former Roommate Liz came, which resulted in some enjoyment. As a former head lifeguard in Barrington, Illinois, FRL tried to show off her lifeguard moves, which seemed to consist of shouting "I've got this one!" in a deep voice and then nearly drowning my sister. I nearly drowned, too, but only because it turns out I can't swim when I'm laughing really hard. Danger lurks everywhere, let me tell you.
Why is it that no matter how liberal I am with the sunscreen, I always manage to miss a spot somewhere? Now I've got a burn in the middle of my back, but everywhere else is pretty white. And it hurts when I sit back in my chair or, for that matter, shrug my shoulders. Like most problems that white people have, this one will only last a few days, but it is still annoying. I bought more sunscreen today just for good measure.
I've actually been to Walgreen's twice, CVS once, and Jewel once in the last three days. Part of it is that I keep forgetting to buy ant traps. But part of it is also just that the Walgreen's is between here and the gym. So why NOT stop to buy some Pez?
The source of the sunburn, by the way, was my trip to my sister's pool yesterday. Former Roommate Liz came, which resulted in some enjoyment. As a former head lifeguard in Barrington, Illinois, FRL tried to show off her lifeguard moves, which seemed to consist of shouting "I've got this one!" in a deep voice and then nearly drowning my sister. I nearly drowned, too, but only because it turns out I can't swim when I'm laughing really hard. Danger lurks everywhere, let me tell you.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Business Traveler
So my work trip to Indianapolis primarily served to remind me that all those work trips to New York really weren't so bad after all. The plane to Indy is teeny -- only three seats across -- and someone whacked me in the head with the overhead bin door while I was walking to my seat. I had to gate check my carry on because the bins were so small, and we didn't even get a drink because the flight was so short. I was really counting on that caffeine since I got up at 5 AM, too.
I saw nothing of Indianapolis except the conference rooms where my work was and the nearby McDonald's where we made up for the caffeine deficit upon arrival. Frequent readers will know, however, that I have been before, and thus already have sufficient familiarity with the lovely canals and chain restaurants.
The airport dining is definitely a point in Indianapolis' favor, though. Lots of decent spots past security, unlike LaGuardia, where you're essentially limited to the Auntie Anne's Pretzels and the newsstand. And there was a candy by the pound store right by my gate! I remain richly blessed with a bag of Mike & Ikes and melted chocolate to this day.
So my work trip to Indianapolis primarily served to remind me that all those work trips to New York really weren't so bad after all. The plane to Indy is teeny -- only three seats across -- and someone whacked me in the head with the overhead bin door while I was walking to my seat. I had to gate check my carry on because the bins were so small, and we didn't even get a drink because the flight was so short. I was really counting on that caffeine since I got up at 5 AM, too.
I saw nothing of Indianapolis except the conference rooms where my work was and the nearby McDonald's where we made up for the caffeine deficit upon arrival. Frequent readers will know, however, that I have been before, and thus already have sufficient familiarity with the lovely canals and chain restaurants.
The airport dining is definitely a point in Indianapolis' favor, though. Lots of decent spots past security, unlike LaGuardia, where you're essentially limited to the Auntie Anne's Pretzels and the newsstand. And there was a candy by the pound store right by my gate! I remain richly blessed with a bag of Mike & Ikes and melted chocolate to this day.
