Friday, November 27, 2015
No Really, Thanks
I can't tell you how amazing it has been to sleep in for the past few days. Sleep is among my favorite activities, even if I do have strange dreams where I'm the president of the Hallmark Channel and Lacey Chabert is going on strike. Of course, when I was in college, sleeping in meant rising at noon to pop over to the cafeteria in my sweats to eat a mixture of Lucky Charms and Coco Puffs for lunch, but now I'm lucky to make it to nine. Aubrey tends to be an early riser, even if she subsequently balks at the rain and has to be forcibly carried outside to pee.
Watched both the New York and Chicago parades yesterday, which is also now a very different experience than when I was younger. There are a lot more drop crotch pants, for one thing. Also, I have to admit that I fail to see the connection between preteen dance troupes dressed like middle aged hookers and holiday joy. But there are still plenty of floats and balloons based on things children can ask their parents to buy, so I guess that's a good thing. And David Arquette was the grand marshal of the Chicago parade, so we now have confirmation that David Arquette is still alive.
Anyway, we're putting up the Christmas tree today and, as it turns out, watching a Top Model marathon. 'Tis the season, bitches.
I can't tell you how amazing it has been to sleep in for the past few days. Sleep is among my favorite activities, even if I do have strange dreams where I'm the president of the Hallmark Channel and Lacey Chabert is going on strike. Of course, when I was in college, sleeping in meant rising at noon to pop over to the cafeteria in my sweats to eat a mixture of Lucky Charms and Coco Puffs for lunch, but now I'm lucky to make it to nine. Aubrey tends to be an early riser, even if she subsequently balks at the rain and has to be forcibly carried outside to pee.
Watched both the New York and Chicago parades yesterday, which is also now a very different experience than when I was younger. There are a lot more drop crotch pants, for one thing. Also, I have to admit that I fail to see the connection between preteen dance troupes dressed like middle aged hookers and holiday joy. But there are still plenty of floats and balloons based on things children can ask their parents to buy, so I guess that's a good thing. And David Arquette was the grand marshal of the Chicago parade, so we now have confirmation that David Arquette is still alive.
Anyway, we're putting up the Christmas tree today and, as it turns out, watching a Top Model marathon. 'Tis the season, bitches.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
The Giving of Thanks
Not traveling for the holiday this year, which is nice. A four-day weekend seems much shorter when you take a five-hour drive out of each end of it. Not that I didn't enjoy touring the finer gas stations and Hardee's of Central Illinois.
Thanksgiving here shouldn't be a ton different from Thanksgiving in Quincy, though. The buffet will probably be of a slightly higher quality (and much more expensive), but mashed potatoes don't vary too much from place to place in my experience.
It's kind of great for me just to have a few days off, actually. I've been rehearsing a lot for an amateur theatrical lately (hence my relative silence here) and have fallen desperately behind on grocery shopping and TV viewing and such. So tonight I luxuriated in a trip to Target and a meal that wasn't microwaved in my office. My life is very glamorous.
I'm trying to think if anything has happened since I last posted that you absolutely need my views on, but I'm kind of coming up empty. Horrific acts of terrorism aren't really my bailiwick, commentary-wise. I leave that to the true artists like Trump.
Not traveling for the holiday this year, which is nice. A four-day weekend seems much shorter when you take a five-hour drive out of each end of it. Not that I didn't enjoy touring the finer gas stations and Hardee's of Central Illinois.
Thanksgiving here shouldn't be a ton different from Thanksgiving in Quincy, though. The buffet will probably be of a slightly higher quality (and much more expensive), but mashed potatoes don't vary too much from place to place in my experience.
It's kind of great for me just to have a few days off, actually. I've been rehearsing a lot for an amateur theatrical lately (hence my relative silence here) and have fallen desperately behind on grocery shopping and TV viewing and such. So tonight I luxuriated in a trip to Target and a meal that wasn't microwaved in my office. My life is very glamorous.
I'm trying to think if anything has happened since I last posted that you absolutely need my views on, but I'm kind of coming up empty. Horrific acts of terrorism aren't really my bailiwick, commentary-wise. I leave that to the true artists like Trump.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
The Big Time
Did you know that the Daley Center holds a weekly lunchtime concert series, at which you can thrill to the sounds of a terrible children's choir or a Serbian poetry reading whilst eating a stale egg salad sandwich and fighting off sexual advances from security personnel? I did, but never once did I dream that I would become a part of it, as I walked past it week after week on my way to buy six pounds of nachos or be harassed by sales associates at Old Navy. Today, however, the dream I never had came true, as my amateur lawyer's theatrical troupe did a promotional performance in that groundbreaking creative space that can only be described as the southwest corner of the lobby.
Everything went pretty well, although we did have to compete with the sound of plastic security trays being slammed into one another and the conveyor belt. They even put up a little tent to serve as our dressing room, although they did not provide a bowl of M&Ms with all the red ones removed as I had specifically requested in my rider. I reprised my role as Edward Snowden singing "Blurred Lines," in what was definitely, totally a reflection of how relevant and topical he (and Robin Thicke) have stayed, and not in any way because we were desperate for numbers that were pretty easy to call back to memory. (Like other PTSD-inducing events, it remains pretty fresh.)
What's next for me? Orchestra Hall? By which I mean a hall outside the orchestra, not the actual Orchestra Hall -- I'm really more of a lobby specialist.
Did you know that the Daley Center holds a weekly lunchtime concert series, at which you can thrill to the sounds of a terrible children's choir or a Serbian poetry reading whilst eating a stale egg salad sandwich and fighting off sexual advances from security personnel? I did, but never once did I dream that I would become a part of it, as I walked past it week after week on my way to buy six pounds of nachos or be harassed by sales associates at Old Navy. Today, however, the dream I never had came true, as my amateur lawyer's theatrical troupe did a promotional performance in that groundbreaking creative space that can only be described as the southwest corner of the lobby.
Everything went pretty well, although we did have to compete with the sound of plastic security trays being slammed into one another and the conveyor belt. They even put up a little tent to serve as our dressing room, although they did not provide a bowl of M&Ms with all the red ones removed as I had specifically requested in my rider. I reprised my role as Edward Snowden singing "Blurred Lines," in what was definitely, totally a reflection of how relevant and topical he (and Robin Thicke) have stayed, and not in any way because we were desperate for numbers that were pretty easy to call back to memory. (Like other PTSD-inducing events, it remains pretty fresh.)
What's next for me? Orchestra Hall? By which I mean a hall outside the orchestra, not the actual Orchestra Hall -- I'm really more of a lobby specialist.
Sunday, November 08, 2015
Let's (Continue To) Get Political
I'm keeping my promise. Which is great, because I know that there were literally lives hanging in the balance over this. Here's my rundown of the rest of the GOP field.
Bobby Jindal
Pros: 30 Rock has been off the air long enough now that it's really wonderful to see anyone who resembles Kenneth the Page. Also, the only (probably?) candidate to have attempted an exorcism.
Cons: Doesn't even really seem entirely convinced himself that he has any kind of shot at this.
John Kasich
Pros: Has very credible political hair.
Cons: Probably just wants to get the hell out of Ohio.
George Pataki
Pros: Last name is really fun to say. Something about all of those hard consonants. It just seems to fly out of your mouth.
Cons: Currently polling somewhere behind a German Shepherd who can balance a ball on its nose.
Rand Paul
Pros: Likes to filibuster, which is the best theater this side of the Paducah Community Players production of Grease!
Cons: Was against the Civil Rights Act before he was before it.
Marco Rubio
Pros: Passes for handsome, at least as far as politicians go.
Cons: Have you ever listened to this guy talk? I mean really listened to him? It kind of makes you want to go take a long hot bath with a toaster.
Rick Santorum
Pros: Seems to really, genuinely believe, like, a lot of things.
Cons: Evolution and global warming are apparently not among those things.
Donald Trump
Pros: That season of Celebrity Apprentice with Vivica A. Fox was a national treasure. And not the kind with Nicolas Cage; an actual national treasure.
Cons: Has not yet committed to naming Vivica A. Fox his running mate.
I'll do the Democrats someday, too, probably. Unless they all drop out before I get around to it. I'm pretty slow.
I'm keeping my promise. Which is great, because I know that there were literally lives hanging in the balance over this. Here's my rundown of the rest of the GOP field.
Bobby Jindal
Pros: 30 Rock has been off the air long enough now that it's really wonderful to see anyone who resembles Kenneth the Page. Also, the only (probably?) candidate to have attempted an exorcism.
Cons: Doesn't even really seem entirely convinced himself that he has any kind of shot at this.
John Kasich
Pros: Has very credible political hair.
Cons: Probably just wants to get the hell out of Ohio.
George Pataki
Pros: Last name is really fun to say. Something about all of those hard consonants. It just seems to fly out of your mouth.
Cons: Currently polling somewhere behind a German Shepherd who can balance a ball on its nose.
Rand Paul
Pros: Likes to filibuster, which is the best theater this side of the Paducah Community Players production of Grease!
Cons: Was against the Civil Rights Act before he was before it.
Marco Rubio
Pros: Passes for handsome, at least as far as politicians go.
Cons: Have you ever listened to this guy talk? I mean really listened to him? It kind of makes you want to go take a long hot bath with a toaster.
Rick Santorum
Pros: Seems to really, genuinely believe, like, a lot of things.
Cons: Evolution and global warming are apparently not among those things.
Donald Trump
Pros: That season of Celebrity Apprentice with Vivica A. Fox was a national treasure. And not the kind with Nicolas Cage; an actual national treasure.
Cons: Has not yet committed to naming Vivica A. Fox his running mate.
I'll do the Democrats someday, too, probably. Unless they all drop out before I get around to it. I'm pretty slow.
Wednesday, November 04, 2015
Let's Get Political
I know that basically everyone on Earth is waiting for my assessment of our latest crop of presidential contenders, so here are a few thoughts. Just a few, though. Like many of these candidates, I'm too lazy to address more than a few issues at a time.
Jeb! Bush
Pros: Exclamation points are fun. And letting him win would really help him out at the next family dinner. God knows he doesn't want to be known as "the incompetent Bush."
Cons: Frequently looks like being in close proximity to other humans causes him pain. And doesn't Mitch McConnell have the whole "politician who looks like an owl" thing pretty much locked down?
Ben Carson
Pros: Could do surgery on you, if you needed it for some reason. Seems calm, like your aunt after she finally got on Zyprexa.
Cons: Might do surgery on you even though you don't need it, just because he can. Frequently sounds like he's reading aloud from a Dr. Seuss book no one else knows about.
Chris Christie
Pros: Shouts a lot. Briefly flirted with sanity after a hurricane, likely because he hit his head on something.
Cons: This is what he looks like after the surgery.
Ted Cruz
Pros: The surname "Cruz" lends itself to all sorts of fun puns, like "Cruzin' for a Bruisin'" and "Speed 2: Cruz Control." And if you're a federal employee and want a few weeks of unpaid time off, he's definitely your guy.
Cons: Always seems like he's laughing to himself about how much dumber than him you are. Would give Texas something else to be insanely overconfident about.
Carly Fiorina
Pros: It's nice to finally have a pro-business candidate who actively destroyed a business all by herself. And her logo is somewhat snazzy.
Cons: She got the crazy eye.
Jim Gilmore
Pros: I literally had not heard of him until I pulled up the list of candidates on Wikipedia.
Cons: Could this be one of those crazy made up things people put on Wikipedia for like three hours before somebody notices and takes it off?
Lindsey Graham
Pros: Reminds me of Corky St. Clair from Waiting for Guffman, but with less of a talent for jazz dance. Likes to be on Meet the Press a lot.
Cons: Gives off a little bit of a child molester vibe. (No offense, Corky!)
Mike Huckabee
Pros: His face already kind of looks like the statute of his face would look. Really likes Jesus, which can't hurt if this whole Christianity thing turns out to have something to it.
Cons: It's just way too easy to see him screaming at a waitress at the Waffle House over them being out of grape jelly.
Second half of the alphabet to follow, approximately when I feel like it!
I know that basically everyone on Earth is waiting for my assessment of our latest crop of presidential contenders, so here are a few thoughts. Just a few, though. Like many of these candidates, I'm too lazy to address more than a few issues at a time.
Jeb! Bush
Pros: Exclamation points are fun. And letting him win would really help him out at the next family dinner. God knows he doesn't want to be known as "the incompetent Bush."
Cons: Frequently looks like being in close proximity to other humans causes him pain. And doesn't Mitch McConnell have the whole "politician who looks like an owl" thing pretty much locked down?
Ben Carson
Pros: Could do surgery on you, if you needed it for some reason. Seems calm, like your aunt after she finally got on Zyprexa.
Cons: Might do surgery on you even though you don't need it, just because he can. Frequently sounds like he's reading aloud from a Dr. Seuss book no one else knows about.
Chris Christie
Pros: Shouts a lot. Briefly flirted with sanity after a hurricane, likely because he hit his head on something.
Cons: This is what he looks like after the surgery.
Ted Cruz
Pros: The surname "Cruz" lends itself to all sorts of fun puns, like "Cruzin' for a Bruisin'" and "Speed 2: Cruz Control." And if you're a federal employee and want a few weeks of unpaid time off, he's definitely your guy.
Cons: Always seems like he's laughing to himself about how much dumber than him you are. Would give Texas something else to be insanely overconfident about.
Carly Fiorina
Pros: It's nice to finally have a pro-business candidate who actively destroyed a business all by herself. And her logo is somewhat snazzy.
Cons: She got the crazy eye.
Jim Gilmore
Pros: I literally had not heard of him until I pulled up the list of candidates on Wikipedia.
Cons: Could this be one of those crazy made up things people put on Wikipedia for like three hours before somebody notices and takes it off?
Lindsey Graham
Pros: Reminds me of Corky St. Clair from Waiting for Guffman, but with less of a talent for jazz dance. Likes to be on Meet the Press a lot.
Cons: Gives off a little bit of a child molester vibe. (No offense, Corky!)
Mike Huckabee
Pros: His face already kind of looks like the statute of his face would look. Really likes Jesus, which can't hurt if this whole Christianity thing turns out to have something to it.
Cons: It's just way too easy to see him screaming at a waitress at the Waffle House over them being out of grape jelly.
Second half of the alphabet to follow, approximately when I feel like it!
Sunday, November 01, 2015
Happy Holidays!
Halloween was last night, so it is now officially Christmas. At least judging by the seasonal aisle at Walgreen's. The good news is that I got some remaindered candy that I could give to my students at Northwestern. It was like $4 for sixty mini candy bars. And name brand ones, too -- not a "Snuckers" or a "Two Musketeers" among them.
The other good news is that Hallmark Channel is now running Christmas movies until they make your eyes bleed. Right now they are premiering the first official new movie of the 2015 Christmas season, "Tis the Season for Love," starring a sincere, broad-faced woman and a hunk of granite with good hair. It will be followed by a rerun of 2013's "Snow Bride," in which a reporter (that classic Hallmark Channel job) agrees to pose as someone's girlfriend for the holidays (fraud is also big in Hallmark movies) but must eventually "decide whether to take a chance on real love" (I'm guessing she just says "fuck it" and instead focuses on her career). And in case you are up all night, you can catch a repeat of 2013's "Fir Crazy" at 3 AM, which I can personally guarantee as a cure for insomnia. An unemployed executive (field of choice: business) helps her dad with their family's Christmas tree lot, with questionable results.
The bad news is that Jessica Fletcher is taking a break until January to make room for all of this. Which is probably best for the overall murder rate of Maine. Not sure it will do anything for what WMTW deems their "growing heroin problem," however.
Halloween was last night, so it is now officially Christmas. At least judging by the seasonal aisle at Walgreen's. The good news is that I got some remaindered candy that I could give to my students at Northwestern. It was like $4 for sixty mini candy bars. And name brand ones, too -- not a "Snuckers" or a "Two Musketeers" among them.
The other good news is that Hallmark Channel is now running Christmas movies until they make your eyes bleed. Right now they are premiering the first official new movie of the 2015 Christmas season, "Tis the Season for Love," starring a sincere, broad-faced woman and a hunk of granite with good hair. It will be followed by a rerun of 2013's "Snow Bride," in which a reporter (that classic Hallmark Channel job) agrees to pose as someone's girlfriend for the holidays (fraud is also big in Hallmark movies) but must eventually "decide whether to take a chance on real love" (I'm guessing she just says "fuck it" and instead focuses on her career). And in case you are up all night, you can catch a repeat of 2013's "Fir Crazy" at 3 AM, which I can personally guarantee as a cure for insomnia. An unemployed executive (field of choice: business) helps her dad with their family's Christmas tree lot, with questionable results.
The bad news is that Jessica Fletcher is taking a break until January to make room for all of this. Which is probably best for the overall murder rate of Maine. Not sure it will do anything for what WMTW deems their "growing heroin problem," however.
