Wednesday, November 04, 2015
Let's Get Political
I know that basically everyone on Earth is waiting for my assessment of our latest crop of presidential contenders, so here are a few thoughts. Just a few, though. Like many of these candidates, I'm too lazy to address more than a few issues at a time.
Jeb! Bush
Pros: Exclamation points are fun. And letting him win would really help him out at the next family dinner. God knows he doesn't want to be known as "the incompetent Bush."
Cons: Frequently looks like being in close proximity to other humans causes him pain. And doesn't Mitch McConnell have the whole "politician who looks like an owl" thing pretty much locked down?
Ben Carson
Pros: Could do surgery on you, if you needed it for some reason. Seems calm, like your aunt after she finally got on Zyprexa.
Cons: Might do surgery on you even though you don't need it, just because he can. Frequently sounds like he's reading aloud from a Dr. Seuss book no one else knows about.
Chris Christie
Pros: Shouts a lot. Briefly flirted with sanity after a hurricane, likely because he hit his head on something.
Cons: This is what he looks like after the surgery.
Ted Cruz
Pros: The surname "Cruz" lends itself to all sorts of fun puns, like "Cruzin' for a Bruisin'" and "Speed 2: Cruz Control." And if you're a federal employee and want a few weeks of unpaid time off, he's definitely your guy.
Cons: Always seems like he's laughing to himself about how much dumber than him you are. Would give Texas something else to be insanely overconfident about.
Carly Fiorina
Pros: It's nice to finally have a pro-business candidate who actively destroyed a business all by herself. And her logo is somewhat snazzy.
Cons: She got the crazy eye.
Jim Gilmore
Pros: I literally had not heard of him until I pulled up the list of candidates on Wikipedia.
Cons: Could this be one of those crazy made up things people put on Wikipedia for like three hours before somebody notices and takes it off?
Lindsey Graham
Pros: Reminds me of Corky St. Clair from Waiting for Guffman, but with less of a talent for jazz dance. Likes to be on Meet the Press a lot.
Cons: Gives off a little bit of a child molester vibe. (No offense, Corky!)
Mike Huckabee
Pros: His face already kind of looks like the statute of his face would look. Really likes Jesus, which can't hurt if this whole Christianity thing turns out to have something to it.
Cons: It's just way too easy to see him screaming at a waitress at the Waffle House over them being out of grape jelly.
Second half of the alphabet to follow, approximately when I feel like it!
I know that basically everyone on Earth is waiting for my assessment of our latest crop of presidential contenders, so here are a few thoughts. Just a few, though. Like many of these candidates, I'm too lazy to address more than a few issues at a time.
Jeb! Bush
Pros: Exclamation points are fun. And letting him win would really help him out at the next family dinner. God knows he doesn't want to be known as "the incompetent Bush."
Cons: Frequently looks like being in close proximity to other humans causes him pain. And doesn't Mitch McConnell have the whole "politician who looks like an owl" thing pretty much locked down?
Ben Carson
Pros: Could do surgery on you, if you needed it for some reason. Seems calm, like your aunt after she finally got on Zyprexa.
Cons: Might do surgery on you even though you don't need it, just because he can. Frequently sounds like he's reading aloud from a Dr. Seuss book no one else knows about.
Chris Christie
Pros: Shouts a lot. Briefly flirted with sanity after a hurricane, likely because he hit his head on something.
Cons: This is what he looks like after the surgery.
Ted Cruz
Pros: The surname "Cruz" lends itself to all sorts of fun puns, like "Cruzin' for a Bruisin'" and "Speed 2: Cruz Control." And if you're a federal employee and want a few weeks of unpaid time off, he's definitely your guy.
Cons: Always seems like he's laughing to himself about how much dumber than him you are. Would give Texas something else to be insanely overconfident about.
Carly Fiorina
Pros: It's nice to finally have a pro-business candidate who actively destroyed a business all by herself. And her logo is somewhat snazzy.
Cons: She got the crazy eye.
Jim Gilmore
Pros: I literally had not heard of him until I pulled up the list of candidates on Wikipedia.
Cons: Could this be one of those crazy made up things people put on Wikipedia for like three hours before somebody notices and takes it off?
Lindsey Graham
Pros: Reminds me of Corky St. Clair from Waiting for Guffman, but with less of a talent for jazz dance. Likes to be on Meet the Press a lot.
Cons: Gives off a little bit of a child molester vibe. (No offense, Corky!)
Mike Huckabee
Pros: His face already kind of looks like the statute of his face would look. Really likes Jesus, which can't hurt if this whole Christianity thing turns out to have something to it.
Cons: It's just way too easy to see him screaming at a waitress at the Waffle House over them being out of grape jelly.
Second half of the alphabet to follow, approximately when I feel like it!
