the ocean

So much happened this summer! And yes, I recognize that summer is not technically over for like three weeks. Let's hold on to that in our hearts. But here are some imagines of our key summer events.

I got a Mexican Pizza. And ate it. It was a nice moment for everyone.

I took my mom to the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago. This is not a photo of my mother. She's more like a panther, honestly. 

I went to LA and worked pretty much the whole time. But the pool was kind of pretty. 

We sang karaoke while reclining. (Joan Osborne's "What if God Was One of Us?") And someone was texting about it. All good things, I'm sure.

We bought a house. Here's our roof deck. With a very extreme filter. It looks like Barbara Walters is about to interview us.

This is our front porch. No doubt we'll spend many hours standing there, holding the dog aloft. As people do.

Aubrey commandeered this basket of blankets as her new relaxation space. She has, generally, a very stressful life. 

We took my nephew to the Art Institute for the first time. Turns out, he doesn't like things that are "old and real," but is fine with rather filthy contemporary art. Kids are wise.

I think HGTV really needs to do a show that is just ordinary people who have no idea what they are doing trying to make basic repairs around the house. I would, of course, agree to star for a nominal fee. They could do a whole episode of me and Ian at Home Depot trying to figure out the right kind of light bulb to go in the garage. And then another episode where we have to go back because we ended up buying the wrong kind. Not everything would have to be Beckettian absurdity, though. There could be an action packed episode centered around me accidentally drilling my finger while trying to install a new door lock. They'd have to be ready to beep out a lot of adult language, though. Or there could be a searing marital drama episode like Marriage Story (I assume, I didn't see it) that's just me and Ian arguing about wallpaper. So, so many possibilities.

Eventually they'd probably have to include other people in the concept, I guess, since we'd probably burn the house down and die in the fire before too long. But I'm pretty confident we're not the only people who are idiots about this stuff. I've seen enough half-painted walls and rickety built-ins at other people's houses to fill out a pretty compelling season of television. Better than watching the Property Brothers try to hide the fact that they're fucking, at least. Get my agent on the phone! (First get me an agent.)

Not really, but I'm sorry, now I can't let the Anne Heche story go by without comment.

First of all, condolences to everyone. Except the guy at the wig shop who has now been on every major network talking about how nice and normal Anne seemed as she bought a red wig off the top shelf and declined his offer to wash it or even dust if off before taking it with her. He's gotten his 15 minutes of fame off this and that's all I'm giving him. I'm particularly glad to hear the turtle belonging to the lady whose house got driven into survived. Because you know it wasn't making a quick getaway.

Second, did you see the clip where the paparazzi asked Ellen DeGeneres if she had spoken to Anne since the accident? As in, while she was in a coma? That would have been a pretty scintillating conversation. Though obviously they would have a lot to discuss since they haven't been together for like two decades. Do better, paps.

Third, that Ring camera footage is wild. I didn't even think Mini Coopers could go that fast. Ideally they wouldn't achieve that speed as they plow into residences, but still. I feel like there's some kind of brand building opportunity here.

Finally, I heard a report that right after the crash a guy was trying to help her get out of the wreckage and asked how she was doing, and she responded "I've been better." I'll admit I never expected such casual understatement from the woman who wandered up to a stranger's house in the desert and asked to take a shower and watch a movie. In so many ways, though, she was all of us. 

I know that everyone has been waiting for my take on the feud between JoJo Siwa and Candance Cameron-Bure, so here goes. First and foremost, I am entirely willing to believe that CCB is the worst person in the world, and in fact I feel like she has kind of cultivated that image with her series of Hallmark roles as women with mild personality disorders who are utterly convinced of their own amazingness. Second, I'm not really super aware of who JoJo Siwa is, but if she's feuding with CCB, I'm all for it. I did for a minute think she might be somehow related to K-Ci & JoJo, the R&B duo behind the classic hit "All My Life," but it turns out that she may not even have been born at that point. So go figure. Third, I'm not exactly sure why anyone would want to be photographed with CCB, unless it's just to prove that she exists, like Bigfoot, but the heart wants what it wants. And I can understand how having that want denied at 11 could be traumatizing, just like how my mother would let us have Mousetrap when we were kids but then bought it for my niece and nephew without them even asking, which is super unfair, although I do at least still get to play with it. Fourth, when a celebrity feud spins out to the second or third level, with people's parents and children weighing in, it's really just more pathetic than anything. (And also, CCB really needs to stop trying to make her daughter happen; forcing Hallmark to hire her to play a younger version of CCB's character was not a good look.) Finally, I'd like to make a plea for more of the same. Maybe with, like, different D-list celebrities, but still. The world has been a dark and scary place and nonsensical influencer fights give me life.