Sunday, November 08, 2015
Let's (Continue To) Get Political
I'm keeping my promise. Which is great, because I know that there were literally lives hanging in the balance over this. Here's my rundown of the rest of the GOP field.
Bobby Jindal
Pros: 30 Rock has been off the air long enough now that it's really wonderful to see anyone who resembles Kenneth the Page. Also, the only (probably?) candidate to have attempted an exorcism.
Cons: Doesn't even really seem entirely convinced himself that he has any kind of shot at this.
John Kasich
Pros: Has very credible political hair.
Cons: Probably just wants to get the hell out of Ohio.
George Pataki
Pros: Last name is really fun to say. Something about all of those hard consonants. It just seems to fly out of your mouth.
Cons: Currently polling somewhere behind a German Shepherd who can balance a ball on its nose.
Rand Paul
Pros: Likes to filibuster, which is the best theater this side of the Paducah Community Players production of Grease!
Cons: Was against the Civil Rights Act before he was before it.
Marco Rubio
Pros: Passes for handsome, at least as far as politicians go.
Cons: Have you ever listened to this guy talk? I mean really listened to him? It kind of makes you want to go take a long hot bath with a toaster.
Rick Santorum
Pros: Seems to really, genuinely believe, like, a lot of things.
Cons: Evolution and global warming are apparently not among those things.
Donald Trump
Pros: That season of Celebrity Apprentice with Vivica A. Fox was a national treasure. And not the kind with Nicolas Cage; an actual national treasure.
Cons: Has not yet committed to naming Vivica A. Fox his running mate.
I'll do the Democrats someday, too, probably. Unless they all drop out before I get around to it. I'm pretty slow.
I'm keeping my promise. Which is great, because I know that there were literally lives hanging in the balance over this. Here's my rundown of the rest of the GOP field.
Bobby Jindal
Pros: 30 Rock has been off the air long enough now that it's really wonderful to see anyone who resembles Kenneth the Page. Also, the only (probably?) candidate to have attempted an exorcism.
Cons: Doesn't even really seem entirely convinced himself that he has any kind of shot at this.
John Kasich
Pros: Has very credible political hair.
Cons: Probably just wants to get the hell out of Ohio.
George Pataki
Pros: Last name is really fun to say. Something about all of those hard consonants. It just seems to fly out of your mouth.
Cons: Currently polling somewhere behind a German Shepherd who can balance a ball on its nose.
Rand Paul
Pros: Likes to filibuster, which is the best theater this side of the Paducah Community Players production of Grease!
Cons: Was against the Civil Rights Act before he was before it.
Marco Rubio
Pros: Passes for handsome, at least as far as politicians go.
Cons: Have you ever listened to this guy talk? I mean really listened to him? It kind of makes you want to go take a long hot bath with a toaster.
Rick Santorum
Pros: Seems to really, genuinely believe, like, a lot of things.
Cons: Evolution and global warming are apparently not among those things.
Donald Trump
Pros: That season of Celebrity Apprentice with Vivica A. Fox was a national treasure. And not the kind with Nicolas Cage; an actual national treasure.
Cons: Has not yet committed to naming Vivica A. Fox his running mate.
I'll do the Democrats someday, too, probably. Unless they all drop out before I get around to it. I'm pretty slow.