the ocean

This week I have a real treat from the archives, a write-up of my 2008 research on an episode of the The Hills. You see, we used to have weekly viewing parties with follow-up research assignments. Ah, the days of being able to care about stupid things...

1. How old is Brent Bolthouse?

            According to Brent’s Myspace profile, he is 38. Also, he is Caucasian, does not smoke or drink, and makes over $250,000 a year. He asks God for the serenity he needs to accept those things he cannot change, the courage to change those things he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

2. What will Heidi’s job duties be in Las Vegas?

            According to a Bolthouse job listing at theladders.com, a marketing professional at Bolthouse is expected to develop marketing plans and timelines for new venues, manage the day-to-day execution of plans, help in brainstorming new initiatives, and compile and update targeted mailing lists of influencers. Of course, it also requires 8-10 years of experience in the industry.

3. Alkaline Trio discography and membership.

            Formed by ex-Jerkwater and Traitors drummer Matt Skiba (vocals/guitar), Glenn Porter (drums/vocals) — formerly of 88 Fingers Louie — and Rob Doran (bass/vocals), Alkaline Trio was brought together in 1997 by heartbreak, angst, and the companionship of drinking. Their albums are: 1998’s Goddamnit, 2000’s Maybe I’ll Catch Fire, 2001’s From Here to Infirmary, 2003’s Good Mourning, 2005’s Crimson, and 2008’s Agony and Irony.

4. What was Lo drinking poolside?

            Informed speculation at Tvguide.com message boards suggests that Lo was drinking Lemonade, perhaps with a splash or two of vodka.

5. What’s the address Audrina texted for the Alkaline Trio recording session? How did they feel when Lo left?

            According to punkmusic.com, Alkaline Trio has recorded most of their albums at Hangar 1018 Recording Studios, which is listed at 1018 S. Santa Fe Avenue. The band had no comment Lo’s absence.

6. Is there a soul behind Kimberly’s eyes?

            No. As imbringingbloggingback.blogspot.com, points out, Kimberly’s “cubicle” is utterly empty and it’s not even clear that she actually works at Bolthouse. She frequently squints while talking, making it appear that she must read cue cards to express even the most basic emotions. She is clearly a robot.

7. What restaurant are Lo and Lauren at?

            It’s impossible to be sure, but all signs point to Ketchup.

8. Who is Sam? Is he hot?

            A search of Brent Bolthouse’s Myspace friends revealed a “Sam” who is 30 years old and lives in New York. He does not appear to be hot.

9. What did Audrina make for breakfast?

            According to the blogosphere, it was bacon, eggs, and toast. But the eggs were kind of dry.

10. Is breakup leave part of the Bolthouse benefits package?

            According to its website, Bolthouse offers full vacation and medical/personal leave. It is unclear whether traveling to Colorado to get “some space” from Spencer is included under personal leave.