Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Perspective
So I almost died last night. Several times. First of all, let me recommend to you that if your gas furnace is not heating to your satisfaction, do not think for a second that you personally are able to fix it. I am lucky to have escaped with my eyebrows, of which I am actually rather fond. But I have learned an important lesson, and I will happily sleep fully clothed under seven layers of blankets until our silent and angry handyman can squeeze us into his bitter, non-English-speaking schedule. Secondly, people in this city, myself included, do not know how to drive at all. I wish to state, for the record, that a fervent desire to get to the Home Depot as quickly as possible does not serve as a defense to vehicular manslaughter. Not even if they’re having a sale on staple guns. Finally, and this is important, it is never ever funny to pretend that you are going to push someone in front of the el, even if you are having an animated discussion of people’s el-related paranoia. Because sometimes, and I know this happens to more people than just me, sometimes the subject of your prank becomes so alarmed by this madcap hilarity that he actually does trip and fall and nearly becomes a serious “service interruption.” And even though I’m fine with perishing gruesomely, I see no reason to inconvenience other people with it.
Today, on the other hand, has so far passed with no near fatalities. It’s good to have perspective on these things.
So I almost died last night. Several times. First of all, let me recommend to you that if your gas furnace is not heating to your satisfaction, do not think for a second that you personally are able to fix it. I am lucky to have escaped with my eyebrows, of which I am actually rather fond. But I have learned an important lesson, and I will happily sleep fully clothed under seven layers of blankets until our silent and angry handyman can squeeze us into his bitter, non-English-speaking schedule. Secondly, people in this city, myself included, do not know how to drive at all. I wish to state, for the record, that a fervent desire to get to the Home Depot as quickly as possible does not serve as a defense to vehicular manslaughter. Not even if they’re having a sale on staple guns. Finally, and this is important, it is never ever funny to pretend that you are going to push someone in front of the el, even if you are having an animated discussion of people’s el-related paranoia. Because sometimes, and I know this happens to more people than just me, sometimes the subject of your prank becomes so alarmed by this madcap hilarity that he actually does trip and fall and nearly becomes a serious “service interruption.” And even though I’m fine with perishing gruesomely, I see no reason to inconvenience other people with it.
Today, on the other hand, has so far passed with no near fatalities. It’s good to have perspective on these things.
