Friday, April 23, 2004
Mailbag
From time to time, I like to dip into the good old fictional reader mailbag and answer a few made-up letters and e-mails from people who don’t actually exist. Let’s see what we’ve got, shall we?
Dear Jay,
You endlessly and painfully analyze all the unimportant details of your life (i.e., two epic paragraphs devoted to the thrilling tale of your haircut), but in the end reveal nothing about who you really are. What are you afraid of?
Konfrontational in Kansas
Dear KiK,
Snakes, mainly. Also Courtney Love. What are you afraid of?
As far as a bio goes, though, I am sixty-seven years old and live in Celebration, Florida, where I serve as president of the Whispering Sands Condo Association and sing second soprano in the church choir. My hobbies include macrame and soft core pornography, but generally not at the same time.
I hope this clears things up.
Jay
----------------------------
Dear Jay,
My boyfriend keeps pressuring me to have sex. I really like him and I don’t want to lose him, but I’m just not sure I’m ready. What should I do?
Wondering in Waco
Dear Wondering,
I think you should stick to your principles, as long as you’re ready to be alone and unpopular. Who wants to be one of those pretty, successful, happy girls anyway? Whores!
On the other hand, if you really don’t want to lose your boyfriend, getting pregnant is a great way to force him to love you. And don’t just stick to vanilla sex. There are FBI agents posing as perverts all over the Internet who can teach you all sorts of great tricks.
Furthermore, this might be a good time to reassess your relationship with this boy. Word on the street is he thinks you’re fat. And believe me, you don’t want to miss your chance to play around while you’re still young and all your body parts are still where they’re supposed to be. Get going!
Jay
---------------------
Dear Jay,
ADD INCHES TO YOUR PENIS WITH THIS REMARKABLE NEW CREAM! MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!
Your Friends, The Doctors at XXXtend Corp.
Dear Friends,
Er, thanks. But I’m all set. Why, what have you heard?
Jay
----------------------
Dear Jay,
This is why we sent you to law school?
Your Parents
Dear Parents,
I still maintain that law school was payback for that time I flushed your wedding ring down the toilet. What can I say? I was five, and drunk. At least the first time. Last year’s episode I have no excuse for.
And come on, admit it, you love the sex jokes!
Give my regards to the dogs.
Jay
From time to time, I like to dip into the good old fictional reader mailbag and answer a few made-up letters and e-mails from people who don’t actually exist. Let’s see what we’ve got, shall we?
Dear Jay,
You endlessly and painfully analyze all the unimportant details of your life (i.e., two epic paragraphs devoted to the thrilling tale of your haircut), but in the end reveal nothing about who you really are. What are you afraid of?
Konfrontational in Kansas
Dear KiK,
Snakes, mainly. Also Courtney Love. What are you afraid of?
As far as a bio goes, though, I am sixty-seven years old and live in Celebration, Florida, where I serve as president of the Whispering Sands Condo Association and sing second soprano in the church choir. My hobbies include macrame and soft core pornography, but generally not at the same time.
I hope this clears things up.
Jay
----------------------------
Dear Jay,
My boyfriend keeps pressuring me to have sex. I really like him and I don’t want to lose him, but I’m just not sure I’m ready. What should I do?
Wondering in Waco
Dear Wondering,
I think you should stick to your principles, as long as you’re ready to be alone and unpopular. Who wants to be one of those pretty, successful, happy girls anyway? Whores!
On the other hand, if you really don’t want to lose your boyfriend, getting pregnant is a great way to force him to love you. And don’t just stick to vanilla sex. There are FBI agents posing as perverts all over the Internet who can teach you all sorts of great tricks.
Furthermore, this might be a good time to reassess your relationship with this boy. Word on the street is he thinks you’re fat. And believe me, you don’t want to miss your chance to play around while you’re still young and all your body parts are still where they’re supposed to be. Get going!
Jay
---------------------
Dear Jay,
ADD INCHES TO YOUR PENIS WITH THIS REMARKABLE NEW CREAM! MONEY BACK GUARANTEE!
Your Friends, The Doctors at XXXtend Corp.
Dear Friends,
Er, thanks. But I’m all set. Why, what have you heard?
Jay
----------------------
Dear Jay,
This is why we sent you to law school?
Your Parents
Dear Parents,
I still maintain that law school was payback for that time I flushed your wedding ring down the toilet. What can I say? I was five, and drunk. At least the first time. Last year’s episode I have no excuse for.
And come on, admit it, you love the sex jokes!
Give my regards to the dogs.
Jay
