Thursday, May 06, 2004
Here to Help
I know not everyone is lucky enough to be as professionally satisfied as I am. Accordingly, I have compiled the following job search tips to help all you crazy kids out there chase after your dreams:
– For an eye-catching resume, use a bold, easy-to-read font. For a really eye-catching resume, write it in your own blood.
– Don’t reveal your obsession with Donny Osmond during the initial interview. You need to save something for the callback!
– If you’re not satisfied with your GPA, just lie! But remember, the number should never be more than 4.0.
– To distract potential employers from deficits in your resume, try killing a man outside the interview room. After that, they usually don’t notice your lack of work experience.
– Ladies, for a professional appearance, wear a dark business suit with a skirt. If you actually want the job, however, wear hot pants and a crop top with “skank” written on it.
– It’s best to ignore the voices inside your head until after you leave the interview room.
– Use positive terms to describe your former employment. For instance, instead of “temp,” try “professional assistant.” Instead of “hooker,” try “self-employed.”
– Under no circumstance should you bust a cap in anyone’s ass.
– Don’t use your mother as a reference. Sure, that bitch says she loves you now, but you should hear what she says when that big consulting firm’s on the line.
– If all else fails, you can always get a job as a job search consultant.
I know not everyone is lucky enough to be as professionally satisfied as I am. Accordingly, I have compiled the following job search tips to help all you crazy kids out there chase after your dreams:
– For an eye-catching resume, use a bold, easy-to-read font. For a really eye-catching resume, write it in your own blood.
– Don’t reveal your obsession with Donny Osmond during the initial interview. You need to save something for the callback!
– If you’re not satisfied with your GPA, just lie! But remember, the number should never be more than 4.0.
– To distract potential employers from deficits in your resume, try killing a man outside the interview room. After that, they usually don’t notice your lack of work experience.
– Ladies, for a professional appearance, wear a dark business suit with a skirt. If you actually want the job, however, wear hot pants and a crop top with “skank” written on it.
– It’s best to ignore the voices inside your head until after you leave the interview room.
– Use positive terms to describe your former employment. For instance, instead of “temp,” try “professional assistant.” Instead of “hooker,” try “self-employed.”
– Under no circumstance should you bust a cap in anyone’s ass.
– Don’t use your mother as a reference. Sure, that bitch says she loves you now, but you should hear what she says when that big consulting firm’s on the line.
– If all else fails, you can always get a job as a job search consultant.
