Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Spring Cleaning
So I was at the dentist yesterday, and as I was lying there trying to figure out what the low-talking hygienist could possibly be saying to me as she apparently mined for coal in my teeth, I found myself wondering if I might enjoy a career in dental services.
“I like cleaning things,” I thought. “And the tiny instruments look pretty fun. I bet if people got insolent I could poke them on purpose.”
I really like the word “insolent.”
I started revising my resume in my head and trying to remember the details of that Sally Struthers degree-by-mail course. I got as far as mentally designing my office and picking out a fictional receptionist before I realized I’m not the world’s biggest fan of spit, which necessitated a change of course.
“Maybe I could be the receptionist.” I thought. “No spit there. And I like being really fake polite to people and telling them what to do. And I bet I could read when no one was in the office.”
But then the salary factor reared its ugly head. If I were going to leave the law, I knew I would still need to be able to afford my current lifestyle (read: Funyuns and Bud Light), not to mention the costs of institutionalization for my parents after they found out what I had done. Shoot.
“Maybe I should run an institution.” I thought, rolling with the moment. “I bet it’s really profitable if you’re corrupt. So maybe you don’t always keep really good track of who gets fed and whose pills get stolen and sold to stoned teenagers – is that so wrong? Those Lexus payments don’t take care of themselves.”
As it turned out, I had to stop just short of moral reprehensibility. Which also ruled out game show host and Tori Spelling as professions, by the way.
So by the time the hygienist told me to sit up and rinse (at least I think that’s what she said; it sounded like she was four miles away and hiding under a burlap bag) I was still without a definite career plan. Which is just as well, I suppose, because until they devise a job that involves watching The Price is Right and playing Super Mario Brothers, they’re all pretty much the same to me.
So I was at the dentist yesterday, and as I was lying there trying to figure out what the low-talking hygienist could possibly be saying to me as she apparently mined for coal in my teeth, I found myself wondering if I might enjoy a career in dental services.
“I like cleaning things,” I thought. “And the tiny instruments look pretty fun. I bet if people got insolent I could poke them on purpose.”
I really like the word “insolent.”
I started revising my resume in my head and trying to remember the details of that Sally Struthers degree-by-mail course. I got as far as mentally designing my office and picking out a fictional receptionist before I realized I’m not the world’s biggest fan of spit, which necessitated a change of course.
“Maybe I could be the receptionist.” I thought. “No spit there. And I like being really fake polite to people and telling them what to do. And I bet I could read when no one was in the office.”
But then the salary factor reared its ugly head. If I were going to leave the law, I knew I would still need to be able to afford my current lifestyle (read: Funyuns and Bud Light), not to mention the costs of institutionalization for my parents after they found out what I had done. Shoot.
“Maybe I should run an institution.” I thought, rolling with the moment. “I bet it’s really profitable if you’re corrupt. So maybe you don’t always keep really good track of who gets fed and whose pills get stolen and sold to stoned teenagers – is that so wrong? Those Lexus payments don’t take care of themselves.”
As it turned out, I had to stop just short of moral reprehensibility. Which also ruled out game show host and Tori Spelling as professions, by the way.
So by the time the hygienist told me to sit up and rinse (at least I think that’s what she said; it sounded like she was four miles away and hiding under a burlap bag) I was still without a definite career plan. Which is just as well, I suppose, because until they devise a job that involves watching The Price is Right and playing Super Mario Brothers, they’re all pretty much the same to me.
