Friday, May 14, 2004
Unsolicited Advice
Sometimes it seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day. That may be because of all your alcohol-induced blackouts, but I’m not one to judge. I am one to create random lists, however, and I’ve prepared some amazing time management tips to help you make the most of your day:
-- Start by making a list of everything you have to do today. Then, destroy the list so it cannot be used as evidence against you.
-- Break down large tasks into smaller, easier-to-handle tasks. For instance, the task of “discovering a cure for cancer” can be broken down into “buying some notepads” and “tirelessly performing epidemiological research for one’s entire life.”
-- Try to limit your compulsive handwashing to only ten times per hour, rather than twenty. Believe me, the tiny invisible bugs all over your body will still be there.
-- Gradually phase out all friends and loved ones. Just because someone bore your children doesn’t mean she should be allowed to waste ten minutes of your time blabbering on and on about some stupid death in her family.
-- Pick only one episode of 60 Minutes to watch each week. You’ll want to have the rest on tape for your collection, anyway.
-- Don’t forget to multitask! You can cook dinner while you give the dog his bath. Just don’t confuse the two.
-- Delegate less desirable tasks to a subordinate. Let your secretary take your mother to her AA meeting, for God’s sake!
-- Consider stalking a celebrity who lives geographically closer to you. Because, let’s face it, Roberto Benigni just isn’t working out any more.
Sometimes it seems like there just aren’t enough hours in the day. That may be because of all your alcohol-induced blackouts, but I’m not one to judge. I am one to create random lists, however, and I’ve prepared some amazing time management tips to help you make the most of your day:
-- Start by making a list of everything you have to do today. Then, destroy the list so it cannot be used as evidence against you.
-- Break down large tasks into smaller, easier-to-handle tasks. For instance, the task of “discovering a cure for cancer” can be broken down into “buying some notepads” and “tirelessly performing epidemiological research for one’s entire life.”
-- Try to limit your compulsive handwashing to only ten times per hour, rather than twenty. Believe me, the tiny invisible bugs all over your body will still be there.
-- Gradually phase out all friends and loved ones. Just because someone bore your children doesn’t mean she should be allowed to waste ten minutes of your time blabbering on and on about some stupid death in her family.
-- Pick only one episode of 60 Minutes to watch each week. You’ll want to have the rest on tape for your collection, anyway.
-- Don’t forget to multitask! You can cook dinner while you give the dog his bath. Just don’t confuse the two.
-- Delegate less desirable tasks to a subordinate. Let your secretary take your mother to her AA meeting, for God’s sake!
-- Consider stalking a celebrity who lives geographically closer to you. Because, let’s face it, Roberto Benigni just isn’t working out any more.
