Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Celebrity Corner
When you run an incredibly important media outlet like this one—the Internet’s #1 source for obscure literary references and anecdotes that make you wonder if the author has a serious drinking problem—it’s a constant struggle not to sell out to the Hollywood machine. You’ve always got Harvey Weinstein or Madonna on the line (you have to listen for the fake British accent to know which one) asking you to review this movie or surgically alter that starlet or execute this Latin American dictator. And so you take a sexual favor here and a 21 Grams tote bag there until one day you find yourself sitting at your keyboard, singing the praises of Garfield: The Movie for 20th Century FOX in exchange for $50 and five minutes of free slapping time with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and you think “Oh God, what have I become? And did I really call Breckin Meyer ‘a Cary Grant for the new millennium?’ He was on Inside Schwartz, for God’s sake! Oh, the humanity!”
All of which is beside the point. My actual news, and it is big, is that thanks to my massive importance within the entertainment community, I have landed an exclusive interview with one Jennifer Lopez. Yes, that’s right, apparently fearing that she might remain out of the news for more than five minutes and realizing that the law still limits her to only one husband at a time, the new Mrs. Anthony turned to me for help. Well, actually she turned to InTouch Weekly, but sometimes I steal their mail. And then it turned out that I was busy realphabetizing my CD collection at the time she wanted to conduct the interview, so I sent my 93-year-old grandmother instead. She’s pretty down with the kids, though, don’t worry. Anyway, what follows are the thrilling results:
NINETY-THREE YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER: So you’re on the TV or something?
JENNIFER LOPEZ-ANTHONY: Well, I have been on TV. But right now I’m focusing on my music and film careers. And, of course, on my marriage.
N-TYOG: What? You’re gonna have to speak up, honey, my batteries are due for a change here.
JL-A: I was just saying...
N-TYOG: Actually, why don’t you give me a hand here?
(twenty minutes later)
N-TYOG: There. Damn thing never did work right. I tell you, I’ve written that crooked ear doctor so many letters in my head.
JL-A: Yes, well, my husband Marc and I like to write each other long passionate letters whenever we’re apart. It helps us to...
N-TYOG: You one of them Latinos?
JL-A: Excuse me?
N-TYOG: Latinos. Like that Natalie Wood in West Side Story? Now that was a movie.
JL-A: Well, my parents came to New York from Puerto Rico, so...
N-TYOG: I tell you, I can’t even stand these movies any more, with all that sex and shooting and everything. I can’t even turn on the TV any more without seeing some woman running around with her brazziere showing. In the middle of my stories! What if a child saw that?
JL-A: Well, my next movie, Shall We Dance? with Richard Gere, should be something the whole family can enjoy. In it I play a dance instructor who...
N-TYOG: Oh, we used to know how to do some dancing, I’ll tell you that. Every Friday night Chub and Dot and I used to go down to the Knights of Columbus hall, they had this orchestra in, they’d play Perry Como and Frank Sinatra. And we’d all get Cokes—this was back when they used to cost just a nickel. And Chub would come up to me, and he’d say “you don’t want to be a wallflower, do you?” And we’d do the fox trot, and the cha cha, and the waltz. And now all you hear is that noise, that shouting—that ain’t music, I’ll tell you that.
JL-A: Oh, those olds songs are great, aren’t they? That’s why I always...
N-TYOG: Tell ya what. I’d love to hear it, but had to take my water pill this morning, need it for my heart, well that’s what that idiot doctor says, anyways, I’ve got to use the washroom, so I don’t know, do you want some cookies or anything before you go? I brought cookies. And a ham. I baked a ham.
JL-A: Uh, I’m not really that hungry, so...
N-TYOG: And there’s some mashed potatoes in those tupperware containers. Which I will want back, by the way. All right, Lord help me, I’m a comin’...
When you run an incredibly important media outlet like this one—the Internet’s #1 source for obscure literary references and anecdotes that make you wonder if the author has a serious drinking problem—it’s a constant struggle not to sell out to the Hollywood machine. You’ve always got Harvey Weinstein or Madonna on the line (you have to listen for the fake British accent to know which one) asking you to review this movie or surgically alter that starlet or execute this Latin American dictator. And so you take a sexual favor here and a 21 Grams tote bag there until one day you find yourself sitting at your keyboard, singing the praises of Garfield: The Movie for 20th Century FOX in exchange for $50 and five minutes of free slapping time with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and you think “Oh God, what have I become? And did I really call Breckin Meyer ‘a Cary Grant for the new millennium?’ He was on Inside Schwartz, for God’s sake! Oh, the humanity!”
All of which is beside the point. My actual news, and it is big, is that thanks to my massive importance within the entertainment community, I have landed an exclusive interview with one Jennifer Lopez. Yes, that’s right, apparently fearing that she might remain out of the news for more than five minutes and realizing that the law still limits her to only one husband at a time, the new Mrs. Anthony turned to me for help. Well, actually she turned to InTouch Weekly, but sometimes I steal their mail. And then it turned out that I was busy realphabetizing my CD collection at the time she wanted to conduct the interview, so I sent my 93-year-old grandmother instead. She’s pretty down with the kids, though, don’t worry. Anyway, what follows are the thrilling results:
NINETY-THREE YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER: So you’re on the TV or something?
JENNIFER LOPEZ-ANTHONY: Well, I have been on TV. But right now I’m focusing on my music and film careers. And, of course, on my marriage.
N-TYOG: What? You’re gonna have to speak up, honey, my batteries are due for a change here.
JL-A: I was just saying...
N-TYOG: Actually, why don’t you give me a hand here?
(twenty minutes later)
N-TYOG: There. Damn thing never did work right. I tell you, I’ve written that crooked ear doctor so many letters in my head.
JL-A: Yes, well, my husband Marc and I like to write each other long passionate letters whenever we’re apart. It helps us to...
N-TYOG: You one of them Latinos?
JL-A: Excuse me?
N-TYOG: Latinos. Like that Natalie Wood in West Side Story? Now that was a movie.
JL-A: Well, my parents came to New York from Puerto Rico, so...
N-TYOG: I tell you, I can’t even stand these movies any more, with all that sex and shooting and everything. I can’t even turn on the TV any more without seeing some woman running around with her brazziere showing. In the middle of my stories! What if a child saw that?
JL-A: Well, my next movie, Shall We Dance? with Richard Gere, should be something the whole family can enjoy. In it I play a dance instructor who...
N-TYOG: Oh, we used to know how to do some dancing, I’ll tell you that. Every Friday night Chub and Dot and I used to go down to the Knights of Columbus hall, they had this orchestra in, they’d play Perry Como and Frank Sinatra. And we’d all get Cokes—this was back when they used to cost just a nickel. And Chub would come up to me, and he’d say “you don’t want to be a wallflower, do you?” And we’d do the fox trot, and the cha cha, and the waltz. And now all you hear is that noise, that shouting—that ain’t music, I’ll tell you that.
JL-A: Oh, those olds songs are great, aren’t they? That’s why I always...
N-TYOG: Tell ya what. I’d love to hear it, but had to take my water pill this morning, need it for my heart, well that’s what that idiot doctor says, anyways, I’ve got to use the washroom, so I don’t know, do you want some cookies or anything before you go? I brought cookies. And a ham. I baked a ham.
JL-A: Uh, I’m not really that hungry, so...
N-TYOG: And there’s some mashed potatoes in those tupperware containers. Which I will want back, by the way. All right, Lord help me, I’m a comin’...
