Friday, June 18, 2004
From the Archives
Although many people erroneously believe that the Internet, like Vanilla Ice and the Simpsons t-shirt craze, was a creation of the ‘90s, this weblog has actually been continually updated by yours truly for well nigh three millennia. Because one of those ivory tower eggheads in management at some point decided our archives should be stored solely on Betamax, however, “classic” episodes of my sound and fury can be hard to come by. To ease that pain, I offer the following excerpts:
October 7, 1983. Is it just me, or is kindergarten kind of unsanitary? If we’re not slathering things with paint we’re making science projects we can eat, and I swear to God I saw a kid sucking his thumb yesterday. And Kristen Nelson just goes around kissing everybody all the time—she’s going to make some therapist very wealthy some day. Anyway, I’m off to story time. Has anyone else noticed that Goodnight Moon has no plot?
June 22, 1989. Oh my God, I has such a crazy weekend! My friends and I drank a six pack of Jolt cola and saw Batman. I’m not sure if it was the lack of FDA approval or Kim Basinger’s Apple-II-sized glasses, but I felt a little weird and tingly. Then we played The Legend of Zelda and talked about some kids we kind of know who may have seen a porno. I’m so glad Nick’s parents are getting divorced; now they just yell at each other and pretty much let us do whatever we want.
February 6, 1992. Okay, so they’ve got to amp up either the timeliness or the production values of sex ed. Melissa Thompson already has a baby; I don’t think she’s really going to be blown away by the former star of Broadway’s Annie telling her her body’s going to go through some “kind of funny changes.” Let’s see some skin, people! And it doesn’t help that my teacher reminds me of Jerry Orbach...
November 13, 1995. I love Hootie & the Blowfish so much! Seriously, get their album, they’re going to be around for a really long time.
September 25, 1997. If my roommate doesn’t put some pants on soon there’s going to be some serious trouble. I mean, really, who irons naked? Isn’t that a health hazard? And while we’re at it, he could stop taking those half-hour showers. I don’t know what he does in there, and don’t necessarily care to inquire, although I do hear an inordinate amount of talking and/or singing going on. I guess I can’t complain too much, though; my friend’s roommate got really drunk and decided their closet was the bathroom. My roommate may obsessively eat mint chocolate chip ice cream every Tuesday night at 10:36 PM, but at least I haven’t had to have the carpets cleaned.
April 10, 2003. Law school and prison are much more similar than you would think. Both are horrible, dark, foul-smelling places of confinement, and both leave you in constant fear of being shanked. I can’t wait to get out of here. I know working is going to be completely awesome!
Although many people erroneously believe that the Internet, like Vanilla Ice and the Simpsons t-shirt craze, was a creation of the ‘90s, this weblog has actually been continually updated by yours truly for well nigh three millennia. Because one of those ivory tower eggheads in management at some point decided our archives should be stored solely on Betamax, however, “classic” episodes of my sound and fury can be hard to come by. To ease that pain, I offer the following excerpts:
October 7, 1983. Is it just me, or is kindergarten kind of unsanitary? If we’re not slathering things with paint we’re making science projects we can eat, and I swear to God I saw a kid sucking his thumb yesterday. And Kristen Nelson just goes around kissing everybody all the time—she’s going to make some therapist very wealthy some day. Anyway, I’m off to story time. Has anyone else noticed that Goodnight Moon has no plot?
June 22, 1989. Oh my God, I has such a crazy weekend! My friends and I drank a six pack of Jolt cola and saw Batman. I’m not sure if it was the lack of FDA approval or Kim Basinger’s Apple-II-sized glasses, but I felt a little weird and tingly. Then we played The Legend of Zelda and talked about some kids we kind of know who may have seen a porno. I’m so glad Nick’s parents are getting divorced; now they just yell at each other and pretty much let us do whatever we want.
February 6, 1992. Okay, so they’ve got to amp up either the timeliness or the production values of sex ed. Melissa Thompson already has a baby; I don’t think she’s really going to be blown away by the former star of Broadway’s Annie telling her her body’s going to go through some “kind of funny changes.” Let’s see some skin, people! And it doesn’t help that my teacher reminds me of Jerry Orbach...
November 13, 1995. I love Hootie & the Blowfish so much! Seriously, get their album, they’re going to be around for a really long time.
September 25, 1997. If my roommate doesn’t put some pants on soon there’s going to be some serious trouble. I mean, really, who irons naked? Isn’t that a health hazard? And while we’re at it, he could stop taking those half-hour showers. I don’t know what he does in there, and don’t necessarily care to inquire, although I do hear an inordinate amount of talking and/or singing going on. I guess I can’t complain too much, though; my friend’s roommate got really drunk and decided their closet was the bathroom. My roommate may obsessively eat mint chocolate chip ice cream every Tuesday night at 10:36 PM, but at least I haven’t had to have the carpets cleaned.
April 10, 2003. Law school and prison are much more similar than you would think. Both are horrible, dark, foul-smelling places of confinement, and both leave you in constant fear of being shanked. I can’t wait to get out of here. I know working is going to be completely awesome!
