Thursday, June 03, 2004
I am a Nifty, Multidimensional Person
Last night, a friend told me that when she first met me, she thought I was “one of those guys who is only interested in one thing.” Once I realized that she wasn’t referring to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, I was sort of offended. Of course, I’m kind of slow, so by the time I managed to work up some righteous indignation, everyone had gone home and I was stuck defending myself to my autographed picture of Sylvester Stallone’s mother. But I made up a list of things that I am interested in, and guess what? S-E-X didn’t even make the top 25:
– Cool old buildings with like gargoyles and shit and cool new buildings with lots of shiny metal and glass.
– Small towns with little locally-owned restaurants where the waitresses have all worked for thirty years.
– History, especially the really sexy stuff like ancient Egypt and the Renaissance.
– Boggle and how I am really awesome at it.
– Vintage clothing that I can’t believe they ever made in the first place and yet somehow still really want to buy.
– Cubs baseball and its attendant sadness.
– Creatures that live really really far underwater or in the middle of the rainforest and have like weird multiple eyes and stuff.
– People who have tragic histories but positive attitudes.
– Linguistics, especially first language acquisition.
– Religion and its relationship to faith
– Traditions and how they got to be that way.
– Art, especially the really-whacked-out contemporary stuff that makes people angry, although I have no special love for the Piss Christ.
– Pretty green plants and how I can aspire to no longer kill them.
– Modernist poetry.
– What celebrities are like in real life, or if they even actually have real lives. I mean, somehow I can’t imagine Katie Couric just heading down the block to the dry cleaner’s, can you?
– Poor people and why everyone seems to hate them. And what I can do to help them. And if they really do just go buy booze with the money I give them. And if they’re willing to share.
– H.R. Puffnstuff reruns and how fucked up they are.
– The things that people do for a living. Like making sure short people don’t get on the Batman ride at Six Flags? That’s someone’s job.
– Education, specifically how to teach everyone to be as wonderful as I am without seeming overbearing about it.
– Genealogy and the desire, as one ages, to be more connected with one’s past.
– What happens to people after they go on those extreme makeover shows. Don’t you feel like maybe they’d sometimes miss their old noses?
– Books. The way they smell, feel, look, and, oh yeah, what’s in them.
– Psychology, especially the abnormal kind.
– Ghosts, because they’re definitely real, and ghost stories, just because they’re awesome.
– Lists and why they are so much fun.
So consider that assessment of my character rebutted. By this point, perhaps you’ve forgotten what that assessment was, or have even clicked back over to porn, but I’m not going to remind you. Just take it from me that I’m a (basically) good person.
Last night, a friend told me that when she first met me, she thought I was “one of those guys who is only interested in one thing.” Once I realized that she wasn’t referring to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, I was sort of offended. Of course, I’m kind of slow, so by the time I managed to work up some righteous indignation, everyone had gone home and I was stuck defending myself to my autographed picture of Sylvester Stallone’s mother. But I made up a list of things that I am interested in, and guess what? S-E-X didn’t even make the top 25:
– Cool old buildings with like gargoyles and shit and cool new buildings with lots of shiny metal and glass.
– Small towns with little locally-owned restaurants where the waitresses have all worked for thirty years.
– History, especially the really sexy stuff like ancient Egypt and the Renaissance.
– Boggle and how I am really awesome at it.
– Vintage clothing that I can’t believe they ever made in the first place and yet somehow still really want to buy.
– Cubs baseball and its attendant sadness.
– Creatures that live really really far underwater or in the middle of the rainforest and have like weird multiple eyes and stuff.
– People who have tragic histories but positive attitudes.
– Linguistics, especially first language acquisition.
– Religion and its relationship to faith
– Traditions and how they got to be that way.
– Art, especially the really-whacked-out contemporary stuff that makes people angry, although I have no special love for the Piss Christ.
– Pretty green plants and how I can aspire to no longer kill them.
– Modernist poetry.
– What celebrities are like in real life, or if they even actually have real lives. I mean, somehow I can’t imagine Katie Couric just heading down the block to the dry cleaner’s, can you?
– Poor people and why everyone seems to hate them. And what I can do to help them. And if they really do just go buy booze with the money I give them. And if they’re willing to share.
– H.R. Puffnstuff reruns and how fucked up they are.
– The things that people do for a living. Like making sure short people don’t get on the Batman ride at Six Flags? That’s someone’s job.
– Education, specifically how to teach everyone to be as wonderful as I am without seeming overbearing about it.
– Genealogy and the desire, as one ages, to be more connected with one’s past.
– What happens to people after they go on those extreme makeover shows. Don’t you feel like maybe they’d sometimes miss their old noses?
– Books. The way they smell, feel, look, and, oh yeah, what’s in them.
– Psychology, especially the abnormal kind.
– Ghosts, because they’re definitely real, and ghost stories, just because they’re awesome.
– Lists and why they are so much fun.
So consider that assessment of my character rebutted. By this point, perhaps you’ve forgotten what that assessment was, or have even clicked back over to porn, but I’m not going to remind you. Just take it from me that I’m a (basically) good person.
