Friday, August 13, 2004
Bio Terrorism
I’ve been instructed to write a brief biography of myself for inclusion in our staff directory at work. Never one to waste a great opportunity to sum up the entirety of my existence in one hundred words or less, I thought I’d try out a few practice bios here at the blog before submitting my completed masterpiece for what will no doubt be an absolutely zany formatting and editing process.
Pretentious Bio. My story is really just the age-old saga of the struggle of humankind against a cruel and unrelenting world—a man is born, he lives, he strives, sometimes he eats hot dogs. I’m a metaphysical archaeologist, digging each day through the ruins of existence in a desperate search for some sort of meaning in life, or at least the Garbage Pail Kids cards my parents gave away when I was sixteen. I am the shoemaker humming in his shop as he cobbles a fresh pair of clogs, or the actress blowing Harvey Weinstein in lieu of a screen test. In short, I am America.
Cheerful Bio. Hi everyone! It’s so great to be working with such an awesome group of professionals! Most of the time you can find me in my office on the 26th floor, tackling those thorny legal questions that make this job such a blast, but when I’m not around it’s a good bet that I’m either receiving treatment for my stigmata or hanging out with my two beautiful kittens, Jurisdiction and Federalism (formerly Mittens). Stop by my office any time for some homemade candy!
Sexy Bio. After many hot nights spent as a fireman, I decided to pack up my big hose and head to law school, where my penetrating insights quickly had professors and classmates alike on their knees in admiration. Other positions I’ve been in have included pizza delivery boy, plumber, and, briefly, naughty nurse. Stop by my office any time for some "homemade candy."
Crazy Bio. First and foremost, I wash my hands, because there are tiny invisible bugs crawling all over me, sent by the government to read the secret thoughts the ancient Egyptians beam into my head from their colony in space. I also enjoy counting things and having intense, dreamlike visions where I am a Renaissance lord sailing the canals of Venice in a pink paddleboat. In my spare time, I write angry letters to the Federal Communications Commission and smell Oprah’s trash. I’m so glad to actually outrank everyone in this office, even if the ancient Egyptians and I are the only ones who know it.
Truthful Bio. Hi, I’m Jay. I spend a lot of time making fun of innocent little things like biographies because I’m a cold-hearted person and genuinely afraid to let anyone know who I really am. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office, studying my copy of Entertainment Weekly for potential jokes about Ben Affleck. That is all.
I’ve been instructed to write a brief biography of myself for inclusion in our staff directory at work. Never one to waste a great opportunity to sum up the entirety of my existence in one hundred words or less, I thought I’d try out a few practice bios here at the blog before submitting my completed masterpiece for what will no doubt be an absolutely zany formatting and editing process.
Pretentious Bio. My story is really just the age-old saga of the struggle of humankind against a cruel and unrelenting world—a man is born, he lives, he strives, sometimes he eats hot dogs. I’m a metaphysical archaeologist, digging each day through the ruins of existence in a desperate search for some sort of meaning in life, or at least the Garbage Pail Kids cards my parents gave away when I was sixteen. I am the shoemaker humming in his shop as he cobbles a fresh pair of clogs, or the actress blowing Harvey Weinstein in lieu of a screen test. In short, I am America.
Cheerful Bio. Hi everyone! It’s so great to be working with such an awesome group of professionals! Most of the time you can find me in my office on the 26th floor, tackling those thorny legal questions that make this job such a blast, but when I’m not around it’s a good bet that I’m either receiving treatment for my stigmata or hanging out with my two beautiful kittens, Jurisdiction and Federalism (formerly Mittens). Stop by my office any time for some homemade candy!
Sexy Bio. After many hot nights spent as a fireman, I decided to pack up my big hose and head to law school, where my penetrating insights quickly had professors and classmates alike on their knees in admiration. Other positions I’ve been in have included pizza delivery boy, plumber, and, briefly, naughty nurse. Stop by my office any time for some "homemade candy."
Crazy Bio. First and foremost, I wash my hands, because there are tiny invisible bugs crawling all over me, sent by the government to read the secret thoughts the ancient Egyptians beam into my head from their colony in space. I also enjoy counting things and having intense, dreamlike visions where I am a Renaissance lord sailing the canals of Venice in a pink paddleboat. In my spare time, I write angry letters to the Federal Communications Commission and smell Oprah’s trash. I’m so glad to actually outrank everyone in this office, even if the ancient Egyptians and I are the only ones who know it.
Truthful Bio. Hi, I’m Jay. I spend a lot of time making fun of innocent little things like biographies because I’m a cold-hearted person and genuinely afraid to let anyone know who I really am. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my office, studying my copy of Entertainment Weekly for potential jokes about Ben Affleck. That is all.
