Sunday, August 01, 2004
A Higher Calling
I had a celebrity sighting tonight, and it wasn’t the typical kind where I think the cashier at Wendy’s might be Vanilla Ice. Having decided to check in with my good friend The Christ, but suspecting that the hours before noon might not be my godliest, I headed down to my local house of worship for the 7 PM guilt-and-guitars service. I had just settled in for some good sermon-induced daydreaming (I can’t completely recall the content, but chances are that, one, I lived in a house with a two-story waterslide and, two, something horrible had happened to Ann Coulter) when I realized that worshiping behind me was none other than one Bill from The Apprentice. Now, those of you who read this site regularly (a demographic I have determined includes mainly people who run google searches for "Lindsay Lohan boob job" and those who have a frequent medical need to induce vomiting) realize that I went through a period of mild obsession (read: not Degrassi-level) with this particular television program. I don’t think it is an overstatement to say that The Apprentice was The Greatest Artistic Creation in the History of Human Endeavor. I managed to play things cool, however, and even made it through administering the standard "peace of Christ" handshake without doing something inappropriate like requesting a signed hymnal or shouting "Hey, doesn’t Trump own your soul now?" I was a model of restraint.
Of course, this historic encounter has triggered several very important observations. First of all, Bill from The Apprentice has a very good handshake. Firm, but not overpowering. Hands soft and well-cared-for, but no strangers to work. Secondly, Bill from The Apprentice sometimes accidentally leaves his cell phone on in church, but luckily only on vibrate mode. Thirdly, Bill from The Apprentice sometimes leaves church right after communion, instead of waiting for the closing hymn, which is generally an upbeat, country-inflected tune about God moving mountains or tearing down walls (God and Bill from The Apprentice are both in construction).
But the real kicker here is that this is actually the second time in the past week or so that I’ve seen Bill from The Apprentice, having spotted him down at Tavern on Rush when I was last in the gold coast. It’s as though he is following me, and who could blame him? Plus, the same thing happened to me last fall, when I spotted Dave and Cara from Road Rules South Pacific at the Cold Stone Creamery on Wells and then, only six days later, at the Avenue Tavern in lakeview. Everyone has a talent in life, and apparently mine is spotting minor celebrities multiple times within a brief period. Clearly, I have been richly blessed, thanks no doubt in no small part to my scrupulous and unimpeachable attendance at church.
I had a celebrity sighting tonight, and it wasn’t the typical kind where I think the cashier at Wendy’s might be Vanilla Ice. Having decided to check in with my good friend The Christ, but suspecting that the hours before noon might not be my godliest, I headed down to my local house of worship for the 7 PM guilt-and-guitars service. I had just settled in for some good sermon-induced daydreaming (I can’t completely recall the content, but chances are that, one, I lived in a house with a two-story waterslide and, two, something horrible had happened to Ann Coulter) when I realized that worshiping behind me was none other than one Bill from The Apprentice. Now, those of you who read this site regularly (a demographic I have determined includes mainly people who run google searches for "Lindsay Lohan boob job" and those who have a frequent medical need to induce vomiting) realize that I went through a period of mild obsession (read: not Degrassi-level) with this particular television program. I don’t think it is an overstatement to say that The Apprentice was The Greatest Artistic Creation in the History of Human Endeavor. I managed to play things cool, however, and even made it through administering the standard "peace of Christ" handshake without doing something inappropriate like requesting a signed hymnal or shouting "Hey, doesn’t Trump own your soul now?" I was a model of restraint.
Of course, this historic encounter has triggered several very important observations. First of all, Bill from The Apprentice has a very good handshake. Firm, but not overpowering. Hands soft and well-cared-for, but no strangers to work. Secondly, Bill from The Apprentice sometimes accidentally leaves his cell phone on in church, but luckily only on vibrate mode. Thirdly, Bill from The Apprentice sometimes leaves church right after communion, instead of waiting for the closing hymn, which is generally an upbeat, country-inflected tune about God moving mountains or tearing down walls (God and Bill from The Apprentice are both in construction).
But the real kicker here is that this is actually the second time in the past week or so that I’ve seen Bill from The Apprentice, having spotted him down at Tavern on Rush when I was last in the gold coast. It’s as though he is following me, and who could blame him? Plus, the same thing happened to me last fall, when I spotted Dave and Cara from Road Rules South Pacific at the Cold Stone Creamery on Wells and then, only six days later, at the Avenue Tavern in lakeview. Everyone has a talent in life, and apparently mine is spotting minor celebrities multiple times within a brief period. Clearly, I have been richly blessed, thanks no doubt in no small part to my scrupulous and unimpeachable attendance at church.
