Sunday, August 29, 2004
Memo to God: Church Could Use a Re-Write
All right, lord, I’m sure you’re probably way ahead of me on this one, what with being all seeing and all knowing and all, but I went to church again today and, well, frankly it could use some work. I know, I know, people have been telling you it’s great for round about 2000 years now, but let’s face it, apostles are such yes-men, especially when they’ve got that whole threat of eternal damnation thing to deal with. But I’m not afraid to tell it like it is, because quite honestly, once you’ve been through law school, the thought of an eternity spent with demons clawing out your eyes and maggots feasting on your innards seems downright quaint. So let’s get started, and remember, change is not a four-letter word!
First off, the whole fire and brimstone thing seems like kind of a downer. Sin and punishments therefor have tested very poorly with my focus groups. Why don’t we try to emphasize the whole love and forgiveness aspect of things instead? Perhaps we can introduce an animated character (A ferret, maybe? Ferrets are in!) who just goes around loving and forgiving people. And when parishioners share the peace of Christ, why limit them to just a handshake? Hugging, kissing, and light over-the-clothes fondling would really spice up the service. I’m not saying a dry hump is kosher (har har), but come on, people love to be loved! Use that!
Also, don’t you think the whole "sermon" thing is a little outdated? Maybe people loved sitting around and being bored back in the dark ages, but now we’ve got TRL and internet porn and people want things to be more interactive. I’m thinking sound and light show, celebrity cameos (J.Lo is Catholic, right? Start annulling now and get that famous ass in those pews!), and pop-up touchscreens where churchgoers can vote for their favorite psalms or maybe even vote people out of the church! Excommunication is SO Survivor! Hott!
And this may be a sensitive subject, but could we maybe change up the menu a little bit? Bread and wine are just not filling, especially in those tiny portions. How about Hot Pockets and Bud Lite? The possible ad revenue alone makes it worth considering.
Anyway, I realize we’ve just scratched the surface here, but it is, after all, the day of rest, and I just remembered I’ve got some very important sex dreams to attend to.
Best,
Jay
All right, lord, I’m sure you’re probably way ahead of me on this one, what with being all seeing and all knowing and all, but I went to church again today and, well, frankly it could use some work. I know, I know, people have been telling you it’s great for round about 2000 years now, but let’s face it, apostles are such yes-men, especially when they’ve got that whole threat of eternal damnation thing to deal with. But I’m not afraid to tell it like it is, because quite honestly, once you’ve been through law school, the thought of an eternity spent with demons clawing out your eyes and maggots feasting on your innards seems downright quaint. So let’s get started, and remember, change is not a four-letter word!
First off, the whole fire and brimstone thing seems like kind of a downer. Sin and punishments therefor have tested very poorly with my focus groups. Why don’t we try to emphasize the whole love and forgiveness aspect of things instead? Perhaps we can introduce an animated character (A ferret, maybe? Ferrets are in!) who just goes around loving and forgiving people. And when parishioners share the peace of Christ, why limit them to just a handshake? Hugging, kissing, and light over-the-clothes fondling would really spice up the service. I’m not saying a dry hump is kosher (har har), but come on, people love to be loved! Use that!
Also, don’t you think the whole "sermon" thing is a little outdated? Maybe people loved sitting around and being bored back in the dark ages, but now we’ve got TRL and internet porn and people want things to be more interactive. I’m thinking sound and light show, celebrity cameos (J.Lo is Catholic, right? Start annulling now and get that famous ass in those pews!), and pop-up touchscreens where churchgoers can vote for their favorite psalms or maybe even vote people out of the church! Excommunication is SO Survivor! Hott!
And this may be a sensitive subject, but could we maybe change up the menu a little bit? Bread and wine are just not filling, especially in those tiny portions. How about Hot Pockets and Bud Lite? The possible ad revenue alone makes it worth considering.
Anyway, I realize we’ve just scratched the surface here, but it is, after all, the day of rest, and I just remembered I’ve got some very important sex dreams to attend to.
Best,
Jay
