Wednesday, September 29, 2004
It’s Debatable!
So the first of the presidential debates is tomorrow night, and while I will most certainly be watching That’s So Raven! reruns or USA’s thousandth airing of Bring It On instead, I do feel a certain social responsibility to bring my immense political acumen to bear on this important event. I was, after all, the person who correctly predicted the outcome in 2000, namely that Jim Lehrer would be vaguely creepy and someone from Iowa would ask an incomprehensible question about family values. Valiantly bearing the awesome weight of my genius, therefore, I have prepared the following computer-generated simulation of what will undoubtedly be the most mesmerizing event ever to hit Coral Gables, FL. Get excited, because this is democracy in action, people!
JIM LEHRER: Good evening, and welcome to the first of the presidential debates. I’m Jim Lehrer, and no, I am not a robot. The technology just isn’t there yet to make someone this stiff and uncomfortable. Perhaps someday. We’ll start with opening statements from each of the candidates. President Bush?
GEORGE W. BUSH: Thank you, Jim. The American people crave leadership, and on September 11 we gave it to them. Wasn’t that awesome? That was me. I did that. I also gave all of y’all a whole lot of tax money back, which has absolutely nothing to do with the ballooning federal deficit or the slashing of government services. So that digital camera you got at Best Buy, the one with the red eye reduction and easy download capability? You owe me for that. And if you reelect me, I think we should go back and get a big screen TV.
LEHRER: Senator Kerry?
JOHN F. KERRY: I believe that America deserves stronger leadership, specifically from someone who was wounded on a boat during an unpopular war. I believe America ought to be represented on the international stage by someone who can pronounce the names of most major world leaders, if properly coached by a team of aides and clinical psychologists. I believe America wants a leader who speaks in awkward, run-on sentences. Did you notice that my initials are JFK? And if you look at me from a certain angle I kind of look like Lincoln. Not that I’ve freed any slaves or anything. I tried to grow a beard, but it came in all patchy.
LEHRER: At this point in the debate, I will ask a series of softball questions penned by representatives from each of your campaigns, and you will respond with meaningless sound bytes. To you first, Senator Kerry. Do you like kittens?
KERRY: There’s nothing my lovely wife Teresa and I love more than cradling an adorable kitten in our mutually loving and respecting arms, in a completely non-awkward and accessible way that is also not at all feminine or indecisive. Why, that’s the American Way.
LEHRER: President Bush, your response?
BUSH: See, it’s the same old trick with Senator Kerry. Now he’s saying he loves kittens. But in 1992 he voted against an appropriations bill containing funding for heartworm medicine for underprivileged latina kittens. He needs to get his story straight.
LEHRER: President Bush, your question is about the Iraq War. Wasn’t it awesome when you flew that plane onto that aircraft carrier? That was like a real flight suit and everything, wasn’t it?
BUSH: Yes it was, Jim. And that’s what George W. Bush is about. Flying things. And wearing things. I believe that children are our future, and that if we all join our hands together in the spirit of peace and brotherhood we can accomplish anything. Even the Jumble on the comics page of the Washington Post. And that’s some pretty hard stuff.
KERRY: I think America’s ready for a less arrogant approach to the Jumble. Teresa and I have been finishing it for years, but we don’t have to take on the world with it. And it’s much harder to captain a boat than fly a plane, by the way.
LEHRER: Okay, let’s move right on to the lightning round. Please respond to each word with the first word that pops into your head. Mr. Bush, your word is "deficit."
BUSH: D-E-F-A-S-I-T.
LEHRER: We’re not spelling the words, Mr. President. Just saw whatever other word it brings to mind.
BUSH: Cheese.
LEHRER: All right. Mr. Kerry, your word is "indecisive."
KERRY: Strong. No, wait . . . leadership. No, wait . . . strong leadership for tomorrow’s America.
LEHRER: Again, you are limited to one word.
KERRY: Cheese.
LEHRER: All right then, it’s agreed. Let's just adjourn for the evening and I shall be the president. Now to build myself a robot bride!
So the first of the presidential debates is tomorrow night, and while I will most certainly be watching That’s So Raven! reruns or USA’s thousandth airing of Bring It On instead, I do feel a certain social responsibility to bring my immense political acumen to bear on this important event. I was, after all, the person who correctly predicted the outcome in 2000, namely that Jim Lehrer would be vaguely creepy and someone from Iowa would ask an incomprehensible question about family values. Valiantly bearing the awesome weight of my genius, therefore, I have prepared the following computer-generated simulation of what will undoubtedly be the most mesmerizing event ever to hit Coral Gables, FL. Get excited, because this is democracy in action, people!
JIM LEHRER: Good evening, and welcome to the first of the presidential debates. I’m Jim Lehrer, and no, I am not a robot. The technology just isn’t there yet to make someone this stiff and uncomfortable. Perhaps someday. We’ll start with opening statements from each of the candidates. President Bush?
GEORGE W. BUSH: Thank you, Jim. The American people crave leadership, and on September 11 we gave it to them. Wasn’t that awesome? That was me. I did that. I also gave all of y’all a whole lot of tax money back, which has absolutely nothing to do with the ballooning federal deficit or the slashing of government services. So that digital camera you got at Best Buy, the one with the red eye reduction and easy download capability? You owe me for that. And if you reelect me, I think we should go back and get a big screen TV.
LEHRER: Senator Kerry?
JOHN F. KERRY: I believe that America deserves stronger leadership, specifically from someone who was wounded on a boat during an unpopular war. I believe America ought to be represented on the international stage by someone who can pronounce the names of most major world leaders, if properly coached by a team of aides and clinical psychologists. I believe America wants a leader who speaks in awkward, run-on sentences. Did you notice that my initials are JFK? And if you look at me from a certain angle I kind of look like Lincoln. Not that I’ve freed any slaves or anything. I tried to grow a beard, but it came in all patchy.
LEHRER: At this point in the debate, I will ask a series of softball questions penned by representatives from each of your campaigns, and you will respond with meaningless sound bytes. To you first, Senator Kerry. Do you like kittens?
KERRY: There’s nothing my lovely wife Teresa and I love more than cradling an adorable kitten in our mutually loving and respecting arms, in a completely non-awkward and accessible way that is also not at all feminine or indecisive. Why, that’s the American Way.
LEHRER: President Bush, your response?
BUSH: See, it’s the same old trick with Senator Kerry. Now he’s saying he loves kittens. But in 1992 he voted against an appropriations bill containing funding for heartworm medicine for underprivileged latina kittens. He needs to get his story straight.
LEHRER: President Bush, your question is about the Iraq War. Wasn’t it awesome when you flew that plane onto that aircraft carrier? That was like a real flight suit and everything, wasn’t it?
BUSH: Yes it was, Jim. And that’s what George W. Bush is about. Flying things. And wearing things. I believe that children are our future, and that if we all join our hands together in the spirit of peace and brotherhood we can accomplish anything. Even the Jumble on the comics page of the Washington Post. And that’s some pretty hard stuff.
KERRY: I think America’s ready for a less arrogant approach to the Jumble. Teresa and I have been finishing it for years, but we don’t have to take on the world with it. And it’s much harder to captain a boat than fly a plane, by the way.
LEHRER: Okay, let’s move right on to the lightning round. Please respond to each word with the first word that pops into your head. Mr. Bush, your word is "deficit."
BUSH: D-E-F-A-S-I-T.
LEHRER: We’re not spelling the words, Mr. President. Just saw whatever other word it brings to mind.
BUSH: Cheese.
LEHRER: All right. Mr. Kerry, your word is "indecisive."
KERRY: Strong. No, wait . . . leadership. No, wait . . . strong leadership for tomorrow’s America.
LEHRER: Again, you are limited to one word.
KERRY: Cheese.
LEHRER: All right then, it’s agreed. Let's just adjourn for the evening and I shall be the president. Now to build myself a robot bride!
