Thursday, September 30, 2004
On Wellness
So as of today, September 30, 2004, I am supposedly 100% parasite-free. I have finished my full course of insanity-inducing medication, I need not again submit to my doctor's inappropriate carresses for another month or so, and I have a cocktail awaiting me. I haven't been this happy since Wheel of Fortune changed over to the letters Vanna only has to point at rather than manually turn. I mean, come on, the woman works hard enough already.
And yet there is some apprehension at the thought of facing the world alone. I mean, what if it turns out that the parasite was the source of all my powers? What if I can no longer think of completely random and trivial things to endlessly ruminate upon online? What if I suddenly find myself unable to perform important work duties like making personal phone calls and wandering the halls in search of free candy? What if I can't muster sarcasm any more? It's simply too horrible to imagine.
I'm hoping I can keep the weight loss, at least. Something looked different to me in the mirror this morning and I realized it was that I suddenly had abs. I'm not sure if they're abs of steel, exactly -- they're more earth-toned than metallic -- but they are there, regardless. Maybe this can be the hot new Hollywood diet. I'll get Anna Nicole on board and we can market the hell out of it. "Parasite, baby!" The unpleasant side effects are what small print was made for.
All right, I'm off to have that cocktail...
So as of today, September 30, 2004, I am supposedly 100% parasite-free. I have finished my full course of insanity-inducing medication, I need not again submit to my doctor's inappropriate carresses for another month or so, and I have a cocktail awaiting me. I haven't been this happy since Wheel of Fortune changed over to the letters Vanna only has to point at rather than manually turn. I mean, come on, the woman works hard enough already.
And yet there is some apprehension at the thought of facing the world alone. I mean, what if it turns out that the parasite was the source of all my powers? What if I can no longer think of completely random and trivial things to endlessly ruminate upon online? What if I suddenly find myself unable to perform important work duties like making personal phone calls and wandering the halls in search of free candy? What if I can't muster sarcasm any more? It's simply too horrible to imagine.
I'm hoping I can keep the weight loss, at least. Something looked different to me in the mirror this morning and I realized it was that I suddenly had abs. I'm not sure if they're abs of steel, exactly -- they're more earth-toned than metallic -- but they are there, regardless. Maybe this can be the hot new Hollywood diet. I'll get Anna Nicole on board and we can market the hell out of it. "Parasite, baby!" The unpleasant side effects are what small print was made for.
All right, I'm off to have that cocktail...
