Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Your News Now
In case you didn’t know it, bloggers have been given press credentials at both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions this year. Of course, bloggers have always had full access to the Star Trek Convention, but that’s another story. Now I wasn’t lucky enough to be invited to either convention (Which seems unfair, because although I may be light on posts with regard to, say, US trade policy in China, I think my posts on US Weekly, Trading Spaces, and Chinese food are roughly the equivalent.), but since I make up most of the things I write here anyway, I’ve decided to go ahead and provide some coverage. So here, in a nutshell, are the things I learned from my fake trip to the DNC:
– John Kerry is very old.
– No really, seriously, dude, he’s old. His head looks like someone deflated one of the Macy’s balloons. He’s concave where he ought to be convex.
– John Edwards’ accent really does get old after a while. He’s starting to sound a little bit like Charlize Theron in Monster. Let’s just hope he doesn’t kill any johns.
– Democrats really like black people. And gay people. And black gay people? Possibly the best people of all.
– Public celebrations of all kinds are sort of uncomfortable unless the alcohol is flowing freely.
And the RNC isn’t even over yet, but already I have these super-accurate observations:
– Dick Cheney often looks like he wants to eat your children. Maybe he does. It’s not like they’d just come out and put it in their commercials if it were true.
– Rudy Giuliani is just never going to have good hair. I don’t care if they put all five of the Queer Eye guys and the entire E! network to work on it, it’s just never going to happen.
– Speeches are a lot more fun to make than to listen to. Like that speech I gave about how to repair a bike chain in 8th grade? That one was great.
– Apparently, there was this thing known as September 11.
– Republicans may actually manage to be worse dancers than Democrats. Ain’t none of them exactly Usher in the moves department, though, I’ll tell you that.
Stick with us for non-continuing and utterly non-comprehensive coverage of the November elections.
In case you didn’t know it, bloggers have been given press credentials at both the Democratic and Republican National Conventions this year. Of course, bloggers have always had full access to the Star Trek Convention, but that’s another story. Now I wasn’t lucky enough to be invited to either convention (Which seems unfair, because although I may be light on posts with regard to, say, US trade policy in China, I think my posts on US Weekly, Trading Spaces, and Chinese food are roughly the equivalent.), but since I make up most of the things I write here anyway, I’ve decided to go ahead and provide some coverage. So here, in a nutshell, are the things I learned from my fake trip to the DNC:
– John Kerry is very old.
– No really, seriously, dude, he’s old. His head looks like someone deflated one of the Macy’s balloons. He’s concave where he ought to be convex.
– John Edwards’ accent really does get old after a while. He’s starting to sound a little bit like Charlize Theron in Monster. Let’s just hope he doesn’t kill any johns.
– Democrats really like black people. And gay people. And black gay people? Possibly the best people of all.
– Public celebrations of all kinds are sort of uncomfortable unless the alcohol is flowing freely.
And the RNC isn’t even over yet, but already I have these super-accurate observations:
– Dick Cheney often looks like he wants to eat your children. Maybe he does. It’s not like they’d just come out and put it in their commercials if it were true.
– Rudy Giuliani is just never going to have good hair. I don’t care if they put all five of the Queer Eye guys and the entire E! network to work on it, it’s just never going to happen.
– Speeches are a lot more fun to make than to listen to. Like that speech I gave about how to repair a bike chain in 8th grade? That one was great.
– Apparently, there was this thing known as September 11.
– Republicans may actually manage to be worse dancers than Democrats. Ain’t none of them exactly Usher in the moves department, though, I’ll tell you that.
Stick with us for non-continuing and utterly non-comprehensive coverage of the November elections.
