Thursday, October 28, 2004
Ashleegate Revisited
I believe I’ve shown remarkable restraint up to this point in not commenting on the non-musical phenomenon that was Ashlee Simpson’s Saturday Night Live performance. Given that I’m a huge fan of both people who have appeared on Seventh Heaven and those who have atrocious bangs, I’ve been following Ashlee from her faux-punk inception, although not to the extent that I have ever watched her reality show, which I felt gave off a that-creepy-show-about-Brandi-having-a-baby vibe. But now that the preteen-pleasing programming has really gone haywire, with multiple unconvincing explanations for lip syncing and spasmodically "dancing" flying off in all directions, I feel I really have a moral duty to offer Ms. Simpson the Lesser the following additional responses she can rotate through as necessary:
Psychological: I am afraid to allow myself to succeed, and I therefore deliberately sabotaged myself by miscuing the "backing" tape. I actually blacked out for the duration of the incident, and did not even become aware of it until I was washing the blood off of my hands . . . I mean, until I saw the tape.
Artistic: Anyone can perform one song at a time. It takes a true artist to attempt two. If I have fallen, it is because I dared to fly too close to the sun.
Irrelevant: Do you know what it’s like to grow up constantly in the shadow of your prettier, slightly-less-horrifying sister?
Political: I feel as though modern political process has for too long silenced or distorted the voice of today’s youth. I ask you all to join me in my symbolic protest.
Diversionary: Look, I’m making out with Madonna!
Biblical: Let he who is without fault cast the first stone. But just like little stones, please. And try to aim below the head.
Promotional: Don’t forget to watch for my new exercise video, Ashlee Simpson’s Uncomfortably Shimmying to the Oldies!
Dangerously Honest: Yeah, I lip synced! It’s not like there’s a law against it. Jesus, relax, people! This is just like that time when I murdered all those hoboes.
Best of luck, Ashlee! I'm here for you.
I believe I’ve shown remarkable restraint up to this point in not commenting on the non-musical phenomenon that was Ashlee Simpson’s Saturday Night Live performance. Given that I’m a huge fan of both people who have appeared on Seventh Heaven and those who have atrocious bangs, I’ve been following Ashlee from her faux-punk inception, although not to the extent that I have ever watched her reality show, which I felt gave off a that-creepy-show-about-Brandi-having-a-baby vibe. But now that the preteen-pleasing programming has really gone haywire, with multiple unconvincing explanations for lip syncing and spasmodically "dancing" flying off in all directions, I feel I really have a moral duty to offer Ms. Simpson the Lesser the following additional responses she can rotate through as necessary:
Psychological: I am afraid to allow myself to succeed, and I therefore deliberately sabotaged myself by miscuing the "backing" tape. I actually blacked out for the duration of the incident, and did not even become aware of it until I was washing the blood off of my hands . . . I mean, until I saw the tape.
Artistic: Anyone can perform one song at a time. It takes a true artist to attempt two. If I have fallen, it is because I dared to fly too close to the sun.
Irrelevant: Do you know what it’s like to grow up constantly in the shadow of your prettier, slightly-less-horrifying sister?
Political: I feel as though modern political process has for too long silenced or distorted the voice of today’s youth. I ask you all to join me in my symbolic protest.
Diversionary: Look, I’m making out with Madonna!
Biblical: Let he who is without fault cast the first stone. But just like little stones, please. And try to aim below the head.
Promotional: Don’t forget to watch for my new exercise video, Ashlee Simpson’s Uncomfortably Shimmying to the Oldies!
Dangerously Honest: Yeah, I lip synced! It’s not like there’s a law against it. Jesus, relax, people! This is just like that time when I murdered all those hoboes.
Best of luck, Ashlee! I'm here for you.
