Monday, October 11, 2004
Hooray for Imperialists!
If you're like me, you have the day off from work today in honor of the great explorer Christopher Columbus. You're also recovering from a wicked hangover and you really like macaroni and cheese. But it's not always easy to figure out how to observe such an important occasion, although it's a pretty safe bet that sleeping until noon and watching Oprah won't cut it. Luckily, I have prepared this handy list of appropriate Columbus Day activities:
-- Giving friends and relatives lovely hand-woven blankets infected with smallpox.
-- Dubbing your dobermen Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria prior to the dogfight.
-- Sailing across the drainage ditch behind your house; somehow ending up in the Carribean.
-- Losing thousands of dollars playing the slots at the tribal casino.
-- Petitioning King and Queen of Spain to finance your voyage to MTV Spring Break in Cancun, Mexico.
-- Attempting to convert random strangers on the street to Christianity using a series of shouted parables and crudely drawn pictograms.
-- Moving into your neighbor's home; setting up cardboard box in the garage to serve as a fun-filled "reservation."
-- Failing to understand how to plant corn.
-- Telling yourself the West Indies were never that cool to begin with.
-- Dressing up in pantaloons, a puffy shirt, gold chains, and an enormous feathered cap; being mistaken for Elton John.
-- Snidely telling airport security personnel that "Christopher Columbus never had to put up with this;" spending the rest of your life in a cage in John Ashcroft's basement.
Happy solemn observing!
If you're like me, you have the day off from work today in honor of the great explorer Christopher Columbus. You're also recovering from a wicked hangover and you really like macaroni and cheese. But it's not always easy to figure out how to observe such an important occasion, although it's a pretty safe bet that sleeping until noon and watching Oprah won't cut it. Luckily, I have prepared this handy list of appropriate Columbus Day activities:
-- Giving friends and relatives lovely hand-woven blankets infected with smallpox.
-- Dubbing your dobermen Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria prior to the dogfight.
-- Sailing across the drainage ditch behind your house; somehow ending up in the Carribean.
-- Losing thousands of dollars playing the slots at the tribal casino.
-- Petitioning King and Queen of Spain to finance your voyage to MTV Spring Break in Cancun, Mexico.
-- Attempting to convert random strangers on the street to Christianity using a series of shouted parables and crudely drawn pictograms.
-- Moving into your neighbor's home; setting up cardboard box in the garage to serve as a fun-filled "reservation."
-- Failing to understand how to plant corn.
-- Telling yourself the West Indies were never that cool to begin with.
-- Dressing up in pantaloons, a puffy shirt, gold chains, and an enormous feathered cap; being mistaken for Elton John.
-- Snidely telling airport security personnel that "Christopher Columbus never had to put up with this;" spending the rest of your life in a cage in John Ashcroft's basement.
Happy solemn observing!
