Thursday, November 04, 2004
Four More Years
Well, the election is over and, perhaps unsurprisingly, it turns out that elderly religious zealots and unabashed racists are better at getting the vote out than stoners and b-list celebrities. Here's a little preview of what's to come in the second administration of Bush the Second:
-- National pasttime changed from baseball to death by lethal injection.
-- New American colonies formed in Iran and North Korea, bringing citizens the joys of SEARS and Family Matters reruns.
-- Topless clubs reclassified as "faith-based initiatives."
-- Oprah deported.
-- Functions of legislating and resolving judicial disputes outsourced to Halliburton.
-- Crack cocaine added to the "food pyramid."
-- Gay marriage outlawed; marriage to unemployed, unwashed "backup dancer" still encouraged.
-- Organ donation made mandatory in effort to rebuild Dick Cheney.
-- Iraqi explosives giveaway program extended through the holidays.
-- Supreme Court steps in to declare Condoleezza Rice America's Next Top Model.
-- Pieing Ann Coulter elevated to a capital crime.
-- Bush forestry policies extended to animal kingdom; baby seals clubbed to death in effort to "save them from themselves."
-- Oil companies encouraged to drill in Kennedy gravesite, "just in case."
Well, the election is over and, perhaps unsurprisingly, it turns out that elderly religious zealots and unabashed racists are better at getting the vote out than stoners and b-list celebrities. Here's a little preview of what's to come in the second administration of Bush the Second:
-- National pasttime changed from baseball to death by lethal injection.
-- New American colonies formed in Iran and North Korea, bringing citizens the joys of SEARS and Family Matters reruns.
-- Topless clubs reclassified as "faith-based initiatives."
-- Oprah deported.
-- Functions of legislating and resolving judicial disputes outsourced to Halliburton.
-- Crack cocaine added to the "food pyramid."
-- Gay marriage outlawed; marriage to unemployed, unwashed "backup dancer" still encouraged.
-- Organ donation made mandatory in effort to rebuild Dick Cheney.
-- Iraqi explosives giveaway program extended through the holidays.
-- Supreme Court steps in to declare Condoleezza Rice America's Next Top Model.
-- Pieing Ann Coulter elevated to a capital crime.
-- Bush forestry policies extended to animal kingdom; baby seals clubbed to death in effort to "save them from themselves."
-- Oil companies encouraged to drill in Kennedy gravesite, "just in case."
