Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Your Eighth Grade English Teacher Edits the Christmas Story
-- Isn't three wise men a little bit redundant? It's not like they're serving different functions in the story. And just have him bring gold. Your audience probably doesn't know what franken-whatsis is, anway.
-- Think about the fact that your whole story is basically centered around a baby, who is by nature not a very interesting character. Your reader needs to be rooting for the character to overcome something, like say The Civil War, or come to terms with something, like say lupus. What's your baby struggling with? A little bit of gas?
-- Okay, and I know he's supposedly a holy baby, but the X-Files stopped being cool like five years ago. Strand your baby on a desert island or among sexy suburbanites and then maybe you've got something.
-- You need more strong female characters. As it is, it's just a bunch of guys standing around in a barn. Maybe you could add a bookish but beautiful classics professor into the mix. Is a romantic subplot out of the question?
-- Have you considered having the animals talk? Not only would that contribute some much needed comic relief, but it could also open up possibilities for merchandising.
-- Beards aren't sexy. Neither are sandals. Or barns. At the very least, bathe your characters. Ideally, move the whole thing to the present and set it in a Beverly Hills high school!
-- Instead of "an ox and an ass" try "an ox and a donkey." See, now we're using words that everyone can enjoy.
-- Maybe shift the story away from the Christmas season of the year. You don't really want to invite comparison with Christmas classics like "Frosty the Snowman" and "A California Raisins Christmas."
-- A virgin birth? Yeah, right, I've heard that one before.
-- Isn't three wise men a little bit redundant? It's not like they're serving different functions in the story. And just have him bring gold. Your audience probably doesn't know what franken-whatsis is, anway.
-- Think about the fact that your whole story is basically centered around a baby, who is by nature not a very interesting character. Your reader needs to be rooting for the character to overcome something, like say The Civil War, or come to terms with something, like say lupus. What's your baby struggling with? A little bit of gas?
-- Okay, and I know he's supposedly a holy baby, but the X-Files stopped being cool like five years ago. Strand your baby on a desert island or among sexy suburbanites and then maybe you've got something.
-- You need more strong female characters. As it is, it's just a bunch of guys standing around in a barn. Maybe you could add a bookish but beautiful classics professor into the mix. Is a romantic subplot out of the question?
-- Have you considered having the animals talk? Not only would that contribute some much needed comic relief, but it could also open up possibilities for merchandising.
-- Beards aren't sexy. Neither are sandals. Or barns. At the very least, bathe your characters. Ideally, move the whole thing to the present and set it in a Beverly Hills high school!
-- Instead of "an ox and an ass" try "an ox and a donkey." See, now we're using words that everyone can enjoy.
-- Maybe shift the story away from the Christmas season of the year. You don't really want to invite comparison with Christmas classics like "Frosty the Snowman" and "A California Raisins Christmas."
-- A virgin birth? Yeah, right, I've heard that one before.
