Friday, January 21, 2005
Fair Warning to Oprah
The Jay Book Club began just over 24 hours ago, and already the response has been so overwhelming that I've been forced to expand my media empire. Eventually I plan on developing a diet cookbook (mainly involving Frito-Lay Products), a WB teen drama, and a line of designer ladies' undergarments, but for now I'm limiting myself to a comprehensive workout plan. That's right, get with my program and you, too, can be remarkably average of build. Now if we could only do something about those bangs, you'd be the toast of East Peoria.
How do you do it? Well, for starters, try to develop a massive chest cold. It should be bad enough that you feel like the creature from Alien is living in there, but not bad enough to incapacitate you or make it sound like you're making espresso when you talk. Then, you should decide to try running up and down all forty flights of stairs in your office building. It's important that this be something you've never done before but somehow erroneously believe will be quite easy. Next, around floor thirty or so, you must start to think that you will die. Cough a little, wheeze a little, perhaps invoke a higher power -- have fun with it! Finally, on your way back down, you should begin to feel as though all your body parts are conspiring against you, and make a mental note to have them replaced as soon as possible. Actually collapsing and begging a 63-year-old secretary on an illicit smoke break to call the paramedics is optional.
The revolution is coming, people. Soon it will be possible to be like me in every way. And then the streets will run red with the blood of the oppressor.
The Jay Book Club began just over 24 hours ago, and already the response has been so overwhelming that I've been forced to expand my media empire. Eventually I plan on developing a diet cookbook (mainly involving Frito-Lay Products), a WB teen drama, and a line of designer ladies' undergarments, but for now I'm limiting myself to a comprehensive workout plan. That's right, get with my program and you, too, can be remarkably average of build. Now if we could only do something about those bangs, you'd be the toast of East Peoria.
How do you do it? Well, for starters, try to develop a massive chest cold. It should be bad enough that you feel like the creature from Alien is living in there, but not bad enough to incapacitate you or make it sound like you're making espresso when you talk. Then, you should decide to try running up and down all forty flights of stairs in your office building. It's important that this be something you've never done before but somehow erroneously believe will be quite easy. Next, around floor thirty or so, you must start to think that you will die. Cough a little, wheeze a little, perhaps invoke a higher power -- have fun with it! Finally, on your way back down, you should begin to feel as though all your body parts are conspiring against you, and make a mental note to have them replaced as soon as possible. Actually collapsing and begging a 63-year-old secretary on an illicit smoke break to call the paramedics is optional.
The revolution is coming, people. Soon it will be possible to be like me in every way. And then the streets will run red with the blood of the oppressor.
