Monday, February 28, 2005
Great Moments from the 77th Annual Academy Awards
6:15 PM – Starr Jones wanders vaguely about in a tiara, mispronouncing people’s names and pretending she actually saw some of the nominated films. My friend Suzanne expresses the sneaking suspicion that Al Reynolds (Mr. Starr Jones) might be gay, shocking approximately no one.
6:37 PM – Reception on the TV Guide Channel is questionable at best, causing Joan Rivers to look even more like Skeletor than usual.
6:45 PM – Having vanquished Will Ferrell and Teri Hatcher, Barbara Walters turns to the all-too-easy task of making Jamie Foxx cry. Eyes botoxed to slits, soft-focus lenses creating a haze, she briefly appears to be high.
7:07 PM – It becomes difficult to believe that this shit has been going on for hours and not a single award has been given out yet. On the plus side, there is vodka.
7:32 PM – The opening montage is unbearable. At least they managed to fit that crotch-biting footage from There’s Something About Mary in there, though.
7:33 PM – Chris Rock’s opening monologue manages to be embarrassingly tame and uncomfortably off-putting at the same time. Michael Moore fat jokes are so six months ago.
7:55 PM – Robin Williams forgets that the function of a "presenter" is in fact to "present," and settles for doing some "hilarious" imitations and copping a feel of one of the spokesmodels.
8:04 PM – Cate Blanchett somehow gets lost in the audience, but decides to give out an award there anyway. Someone waves at the camera in every frickin’ shot of a nominee.
8:37 PM – Someone asks if the guy from Counting Crows is wearing a hat, but no, it is just his hair.
8:40 PM – I lose interest and eat half a bag of baked sour cream and onion Doritos. We flip over to HBO, but What a Girl Wants won’t start until 10.
9:18 PM – Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz really ought to make out already.
9:49 PM – Marlon Brando beats out Ronald Reagan to win the annual contest for most applause during the dead people montage.
10:04 PM – Sean Penn remains utterly humorless. I fantasize about punching him. Well, I’d probably have to send a larger friend.
10:05 PM – Hilary Swank wins Best Actress and nearly trips over her penis on the way to the podium. Annette Bening smiles warmly, imagining the thwacking sound Swank’s head would make when hitting the bumper of her limo.
10:27 PM – Jamie Foxx endorses the power of child abuse.
10:34 PM – Clint Eastwood wins best director; Martin Scorsese decides to just fuck it and sign on to direct Scooby Doo 3.
10:37 PM – Utterly non-famous people accept the Best Picture award for Million Dollar Baby. The local news leads with the story of a brutal slaying on the South Side, which quite frankly comes as a relief at this point.
6:15 PM – Starr Jones wanders vaguely about in a tiara, mispronouncing people’s names and pretending she actually saw some of the nominated films. My friend Suzanne expresses the sneaking suspicion that Al Reynolds (Mr. Starr Jones) might be gay, shocking approximately no one.
6:37 PM – Reception on the TV Guide Channel is questionable at best, causing Joan Rivers to look even more like Skeletor than usual.
6:45 PM – Having vanquished Will Ferrell and Teri Hatcher, Barbara Walters turns to the all-too-easy task of making Jamie Foxx cry. Eyes botoxed to slits, soft-focus lenses creating a haze, she briefly appears to be high.
7:07 PM – It becomes difficult to believe that this shit has been going on for hours and not a single award has been given out yet. On the plus side, there is vodka.
7:32 PM – The opening montage is unbearable. At least they managed to fit that crotch-biting footage from There’s Something About Mary in there, though.
7:33 PM – Chris Rock’s opening monologue manages to be embarrassingly tame and uncomfortably off-putting at the same time. Michael Moore fat jokes are so six months ago.
7:55 PM – Robin Williams forgets that the function of a "presenter" is in fact to "present," and settles for doing some "hilarious" imitations and copping a feel of one of the spokesmodels.
8:04 PM – Cate Blanchett somehow gets lost in the audience, but decides to give out an award there anyway. Someone waves at the camera in every frickin’ shot of a nominee.
8:37 PM – Someone asks if the guy from Counting Crows is wearing a hat, but no, it is just his hair.
8:40 PM – I lose interest and eat half a bag of baked sour cream and onion Doritos. We flip over to HBO, but What a Girl Wants won’t start until 10.
9:18 PM – Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz really ought to make out already.
9:49 PM – Marlon Brando beats out Ronald Reagan to win the annual contest for most applause during the dead people montage.
10:04 PM – Sean Penn remains utterly humorless. I fantasize about punching him. Well, I’d probably have to send a larger friend.
10:05 PM – Hilary Swank wins Best Actress and nearly trips over her penis on the way to the podium. Annette Bening smiles warmly, imagining the thwacking sound Swank’s head would make when hitting the bumper of her limo.
10:27 PM – Jamie Foxx endorses the power of child abuse.
10:34 PM – Clint Eastwood wins best director; Martin Scorsese decides to just fuck it and sign on to direct Scooby Doo 3.
10:37 PM – Utterly non-famous people accept the Best Picture award for Million Dollar Baby. The local news leads with the story of a brutal slaying on the South Side, which quite frankly comes as a relief at this point.
