Friday, February 18, 2005
The Sunshine State
Oh, Jay. As if I could ever go Hollywood. In fact, yours truly has been swamped with work due to a recent earth-shattering but utterly useless decision of the Supreme Court of the United States. But I suppose I could scarf down my hummus-and-sprouts sandwich with one hand while I type with other.
Jay, as you know, has ventured southward to Jacksonville, FL, a newly-chic hotspot in light of its recent hosting of the Commercial Bowl. While you may know that this fair city is the home of the Jaguars, the Gateway to Florida, and the site of the first Protestant colony in America (which, by the way, I dispute on behalf of all of New England), you probably don’t know that it’s also where my parents live (separately). Yes, this Northern Elitist Snob has ties to...the SOUTH. The Deep South, no less. You might have the impression that Florida is all sun, sand, and FBI- kidnapping of adorable Cuban refugees, but North Florida is pretty much South Georgia. Meaning one is more likely to spot a confederate flag displayed in someone’s yard than one of those plastic pink flamingos.
I love visiting my parents down there, especially at Christmas. Christmas decorations are one of my few joys in life, so I like to drive around and check them out. It’s hard enough to get in the Christmas spirit when there’s no snow, and on top of that they don’t get the Christmas lights quite right. Most Jacksonvillians forego the icicle lights or the fake candles in favor of giant illuminated signs that say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!" These signs are often in the shape of a giant cake. I know, I realize that CHRIST-mas is in fact a religious holiday, but would it kill these people to just hang a wreath?
[Censored.]
Of course, the best part of any trip to Jacksonville is spending time with my family. My newly-blended family, no less. Last summer, in a surprise, private ceremony to which I was not invited, I acquired a stepmother, otherwise known as my father’s hairdresser. My stepmother is the most well-intentioned woman you could ever meet, and if you stop staring at her giant breast implants long enough to listen to her, she’ll undoubtedly win you over. So what if she drinks Mudslides with dinner (they really bring out the flavor in a good filet, you know) or that she refers to beauty school as "college" (as in this statement, while I was studying for the bar exam: "I know how you feel, I hated taking tests when I was in college")? Incidentally, I also now have a stepbrother, a middle-aged gentleman whom I’ve met once and whose name I do not recall. Hmm, maybe those Republicans have a point about family values...
Hope you’re enjoying your hush puppies, Jay! Try them with mayonnaise.
Oh, Jay. As if I could ever go Hollywood. In fact, yours truly has been swamped with work due to a recent earth-shattering but utterly useless decision of the Supreme Court of the United States. But I suppose I could scarf down my hummus-and-sprouts sandwich with one hand while I type with other.
Jay, as you know, has ventured southward to Jacksonville, FL, a newly-chic hotspot in light of its recent hosting of the Commercial Bowl. While you may know that this fair city is the home of the Jaguars, the Gateway to Florida, and the site of the first Protestant colony in America (which, by the way, I dispute on behalf of all of New England), you probably don’t know that it’s also where my parents live (separately). Yes, this Northern Elitist Snob has ties to...the SOUTH. The Deep South, no less. You might have the impression that Florida is all sun, sand, and FBI- kidnapping of adorable Cuban refugees, but North Florida is pretty much South Georgia. Meaning one is more likely to spot a confederate flag displayed in someone’s yard than one of those plastic pink flamingos.
I love visiting my parents down there, especially at Christmas. Christmas decorations are one of my few joys in life, so I like to drive around and check them out. It’s hard enough to get in the Christmas spirit when there’s no snow, and on top of that they don’t get the Christmas lights quite right. Most Jacksonvillians forego the icicle lights or the fake candles in favor of giant illuminated signs that say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!" These signs are often in the shape of a giant cake. I know, I realize that CHRIST-mas is in fact a religious holiday, but would it kill these people to just hang a wreath?
[Censored.]
Of course, the best part of any trip to Jacksonville is spending time with my family. My newly-blended family, no less. Last summer, in a surprise, private ceremony to which I was not invited, I acquired a stepmother, otherwise known as my father’s hairdresser. My stepmother is the most well-intentioned woman you could ever meet, and if you stop staring at her giant breast implants long enough to listen to her, she’ll undoubtedly win you over. So what if she drinks Mudslides with dinner (they really bring out the flavor in a good filet, you know) or that she refers to beauty school as "college" (as in this statement, while I was studying for the bar exam: "I know how you feel, I hated taking tests when I was in college")? Incidentally, I also now have a stepbrother, a middle-aged gentleman whom I’ve met once and whose name I do not recall. Hmm, maybe those Republicans have a point about family values...
Hope you’re enjoying your hush puppies, Jay! Try them with mayonnaise.
