Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Fun Answers to Bad Small Talk Questions
What do you do?
– Why do I have to do anything? You’ve just met me and already you’re nagging.
– Does "world’s best lover" count as a profession?
– Well, right now, nothing. But I’m working on a demo.
– I play Sharon on The Young and the Restless.
– I’m wearing a lot of different hats right now. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a job, because I spend so much time wearing hats. Berets are my favorites.
How about this weather, huh?
– Yeah, it’s definitely weather, isn’t it? Who could have predicted that?
– Sometimes people die from weather. Not as many as from shotgun blasts to the head, but I’m sure you don’t have any reason to worry about that.
– Hurricanes are so romantic. I met my first wife in one. Well, it turned out she was just a large branch, but man it was nice while it lasted.
– What is that supposed to mean? You racist.
– It’s not the weather I’m worried about, it’s the tiny radios implanted in my brain.
How’s your family?
– Dead. But no one’s going to know about that for a few hours yet, so let’s just act natural. That’s right, everyone’s having a great time, talking and laughing about their families.
– Well, my parents have never loved me, for one thing. And my cousin Greg? A total jackass.
– TV is my family now. I’ve taken Katie Couric as my lovely wife, and Ellen shall be my faithful concubine.
– Great! We could kick your retarded family’s asses any day.
– Oh, I just found out I’m adopted. So my whole family has always been just one big lie. Thanks for bringing it up, though.
What do you do?
– Why do I have to do anything? You’ve just met me and already you’re nagging.
– Does "world’s best lover" count as a profession?
– Well, right now, nothing. But I’m working on a demo.
– I play Sharon on The Young and the Restless.
– I’m wearing a lot of different hats right now. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a job, because I spend so much time wearing hats. Berets are my favorites.
How about this weather, huh?
– Yeah, it’s definitely weather, isn’t it? Who could have predicted that?
– Sometimes people die from weather. Not as many as from shotgun blasts to the head, but I’m sure you don’t have any reason to worry about that.
– Hurricanes are so romantic. I met my first wife in one. Well, it turned out she was just a large branch, but man it was nice while it lasted.
– What is that supposed to mean? You racist.
– It’s not the weather I’m worried about, it’s the tiny radios implanted in my brain.
How’s your family?
– Dead. But no one’s going to know about that for a few hours yet, so let’s just act natural. That’s right, everyone’s having a great time, talking and laughing about their families.
– Well, my parents have never loved me, for one thing. And my cousin Greg? A total jackass.
– TV is my family now. I’ve taken Katie Couric as my lovely wife, and Ellen shall be my faithful concubine.
– Great! We could kick your retarded family’s asses any day.
– Oh, I just found out I’m adopted. So my whole family has always been just one big lie. Thanks for bringing it up, though.
