Friday, April 22, 2005
Hard Time
The prison trip yesterday was pretty interesting. To begin with, my coworkers and I managed to get hopelessly lost on our way to Joliet and end up at a refinery somewhere in central Illinois. Then, we were able to unforgivably offend the prison staff through our ill-timed and tragically lame incarceration humor, examples of which follow.
Guard: The prison used to even have its own semi-professional football team.
Jay: I bet they were great on offense.
Guard: Sometimes the prisoners get together and put on a musical.
Jay: Wait, let me guess – Assassins?
Guard: We sell candy here in the commissary.
Jay: Mmm, I could really go for a Reese’s Fast Break right now.
Guard: I will lock you in a cell, if I have to.
So yeah, I am a terrible, terrible person. But the good news is that murderers who have been kept in tiny cells for long periods of time seem to find me attractive. Apparently they, along with nearsighted old ladies and the hopelessly drunk, are my demographic. If we can find an eighty-year-old murderess who overindulges in Mimosas somewhere, we just might have my perfect match.
Other highlights? Well, we got to see the crazy naked people in the prison infirmary. Most of them were just sort of dozing, but there was one with some mad Hannibal Lecter style. They also have a factory at the prison where certain inmates get jobs making furniture. It looked a lot like IKEA. In fact, I think we have some of it at our office. Oh, and there are groundhogs that live on the prison’s grounds, and they were adorable! It seems a little strange to me that they welcome a tunneling mammal into the confines of this maximum security institution, but I’m not really going to sweat it. I didn’t end up with anybody extra in my car on the way back, and that’s all that really matters.
The prison trip yesterday was pretty interesting. To begin with, my coworkers and I managed to get hopelessly lost on our way to Joliet and end up at a refinery somewhere in central Illinois. Then, we were able to unforgivably offend the prison staff through our ill-timed and tragically lame incarceration humor, examples of which follow.
Guard: The prison used to even have its own semi-professional football team.
Jay: I bet they were great on offense.
Guard: Sometimes the prisoners get together and put on a musical.
Jay: Wait, let me guess – Assassins?
Guard: We sell candy here in the commissary.
Jay: Mmm, I could really go for a Reese’s Fast Break right now.
Guard: I will lock you in a cell, if I have to.
So yeah, I am a terrible, terrible person. But the good news is that murderers who have been kept in tiny cells for long periods of time seem to find me attractive. Apparently they, along with nearsighted old ladies and the hopelessly drunk, are my demographic. If we can find an eighty-year-old murderess who overindulges in Mimosas somewhere, we just might have my perfect match.
Other highlights? Well, we got to see the crazy naked people in the prison infirmary. Most of them were just sort of dozing, but there was one with some mad Hannibal Lecter style. They also have a factory at the prison where certain inmates get jobs making furniture. It looked a lot like IKEA. In fact, I think we have some of it at our office. Oh, and there are groundhogs that live on the prison’s grounds, and they were adorable! It seems a little strange to me that they welcome a tunneling mammal into the confines of this maximum security institution, but I’m not really going to sweat it. I didn’t end up with anybody extra in my car on the way back, and that’s all that really matters.
