Thursday, April 28, 2005
Scenes from a Marriage
Yesterday at the Dominick’s (truly the crossroads of humanity) I got a free show along with my groceries. I’m sure I’ll never be able to properly capture the native wit and compelling rhetoric of this exchange, but I’ll give you my best approximation.
Angry, Defeated Man with Combover: Shit, I forgot to get the light salad dressing. Fuck. Shit. You won’t eat this other stuff, will you?
Low-Talking, Passive-Aggressive Woman in Tracksuit: (in a manner indicating that everything is truly not fine) It’s fine.
ADMC: Jesus, if you want me to go back, just say so. I can go get it. I mean, God forbid you eat anything with taste. (to cashier) Those tomatoes are three for a dollar.
LTPAWT: God forbid I get a little bit of fat around my ankles. After having your baby, for God’s sake.
Enormous, Surly Cashier Lady: Naw, these tomatoes are 99 cents each.
ADMC: Yeah, just take it right back to the ankles comment. I said I was sorry. (to cashier) No, there was a sign. The sign said three for a dollar.
ESCL: Those are the other tomatoes.
ADMC: Up in the front? I got these up in the front.
LTPAWT: Let it go, Bob.
ADMC: I’m not going to let it, go, Cheryl. The fucking sign said three for a dollar.
ESCL: No, those are the vine tomatoes. These are the better tomatoes. They’re 99 cents each.
LTPAWT: I told you those were the expensive tomatoes.
ADMC: It’s my money, Cheryl, I can spend it on tomatoes if I want. (to cashier) Can you have someone check? I know I saw a sign.
ESCL: Whatever. (ambles off to pretend to talk to her manager)
LTPAWT: I’m so embarrassed I could die.
ADMC: Yeah, well, why don’t you then?
ESCL: (returning) 99 cents each.
ADMC: Fuck it, I don’t need tomatoes.
Doesn’t it make you want to run right out and tie the knot right now? Here’s a tip: bring your own salad dressing.
Yesterday at the Dominick’s (truly the crossroads of humanity) I got a free show along with my groceries. I’m sure I’ll never be able to properly capture the native wit and compelling rhetoric of this exchange, but I’ll give you my best approximation.
Angry, Defeated Man with Combover: Shit, I forgot to get the light salad dressing. Fuck. Shit. You won’t eat this other stuff, will you?
Low-Talking, Passive-Aggressive Woman in Tracksuit: (in a manner indicating that everything is truly not fine) It’s fine.
ADMC: Jesus, if you want me to go back, just say so. I can go get it. I mean, God forbid you eat anything with taste. (to cashier) Those tomatoes are three for a dollar.
LTPAWT: God forbid I get a little bit of fat around my ankles. After having your baby, for God’s sake.
Enormous, Surly Cashier Lady: Naw, these tomatoes are 99 cents each.
ADMC: Yeah, just take it right back to the ankles comment. I said I was sorry. (to cashier) No, there was a sign. The sign said three for a dollar.
ESCL: Those are the other tomatoes.
ADMC: Up in the front? I got these up in the front.
LTPAWT: Let it go, Bob.
ADMC: I’m not going to let it, go, Cheryl. The fucking sign said three for a dollar.
ESCL: No, those are the vine tomatoes. These are the better tomatoes. They’re 99 cents each.
LTPAWT: I told you those were the expensive tomatoes.
ADMC: It’s my money, Cheryl, I can spend it on tomatoes if I want. (to cashier) Can you have someone check? I know I saw a sign.
ESCL: Whatever. (ambles off to pretend to talk to her manager)
LTPAWT: I’m so embarrassed I could die.
ADMC: Yeah, well, why don’t you then?
ESCL: (returning) 99 cents each.
ADMC: Fuck it, I don’t need tomatoes.
Doesn’t it make you want to run right out and tie the knot right now? Here’s a tip: bring your own salad dressing.
