Monday, May 23, 2005
The More You Know
Weekend of learning here, folks.
Lesson One: Don’t listen to weather forecasts. Those so-called "meteorologists" make them up between hosting gigs at middle school talent shows and meetings of their Pat Sajak fan clubs. For some reason I paid attention to all that mumbo jumbo about "cold fronts" and "Doppler radio" on Saturday and ended up heading to the beach under cloud cover thicker that Tom Cruise’s beard. If you can’t see the sun, it’s probably not "mostly clear."
Lesson Two: If you have to wait two hours for your table at the tapas place, maybe don’t spend that whole time drinking. You will end up ordering about six plates of mashed potatoes and, for some reason, scallops. The sangria will be delicious, though.
Lesson Three: Not everyone loves The OC. If you start screaming things about Kirsten to random passersby, they may not know what you’re talking about.
Lesson Four: Don’t underestimate White Sox fans. They do amazing little victory dances, even if their movement is somewhat impaired by their girth. And the minute you make some comment about their potential illiteracy, they surprise you by buying a round for the entire row. Just remember that they’re much more scared of you than they are than them.
Lesson Five: Don’t cross my 93-year-old grandmother. Apparently she bludgeoned a snake to death this Sunday. Need I say more?
Lesson Six: Charisma is not a job requirement for bishops. Seriously one of the least fascinating masses I’ve ever seen. I mean, you’d think he could at least announce that illness is a punishment for sin or hold up some pictures of fetuses. I’m all about the visual aids.
Let the learning continue...
Weekend of learning here, folks.
Lesson One: Don’t listen to weather forecasts. Those so-called "meteorologists" make them up between hosting gigs at middle school talent shows and meetings of their Pat Sajak fan clubs. For some reason I paid attention to all that mumbo jumbo about "cold fronts" and "Doppler radio" on Saturday and ended up heading to the beach under cloud cover thicker that Tom Cruise’s beard. If you can’t see the sun, it’s probably not "mostly clear."
Lesson Two: If you have to wait two hours for your table at the tapas place, maybe don’t spend that whole time drinking. You will end up ordering about six plates of mashed potatoes and, for some reason, scallops. The sangria will be delicious, though.
Lesson Three: Not everyone loves The OC. If you start screaming things about Kirsten to random passersby, they may not know what you’re talking about.
Lesson Four: Don’t underestimate White Sox fans. They do amazing little victory dances, even if their movement is somewhat impaired by their girth. And the minute you make some comment about their potential illiteracy, they surprise you by buying a round for the entire row. Just remember that they’re much more scared of you than they are than them.
Lesson Five: Don’t cross my 93-year-old grandmother. Apparently she bludgeoned a snake to death this Sunday. Need I say more?
Lesson Six: Charisma is not a job requirement for bishops. Seriously one of the least fascinating masses I’ve ever seen. I mean, you’d think he could at least announce that illness is a punishment for sin or hold up some pictures of fetuses. I’m all about the visual aids.
Let the learning continue...
