Sunday, May 01, 2005
Timeline of the World's Most Productive Day
9:30 AM -- Wake up. Do situps while watching the end of "What About Bob?" on TBS. Wonder if Richard Dreyfuss is that self-obsessed and compulsive in real life. Wonder if Richard Dreyfuss is still alive. Decide that you don't really care and go eat some Fruit Loops.
10 AM -- Make bed; briefly fall back asleep. Dream that Jay Leno is attacking you with a pair of hedge clippers.
10:35 AM -- Throw on jeans and polo for church. On the way there, notice that A) the jeans still reek of smoke from the night before and B) the polo is the same polo you wore the week before, with the addition of what appears to be a wine stain. Tell yourself that Jesus was a crappy dresser, too.
11 AM -- Imagine yourself throttling the old man who insists on sitting right next to you at church, despite the four empty pews on either side of you. Suppress murderous rage throughout loud, off-key rendition of "On Eagle's Wings."
11:35 AM -- Baptism! Decide that God would really want you to leave right after communion.
11:45 AM -- Remind yourself that you're being childish for not wanting to shake hands with dozens of strangers as part of the "peace of Christ" sharing program.
12:15 PM -- Eat a sandwich and some barbecue potato chips. Realize that this may be the most exciting thing you do all day.
1 PM -- Figure out where you left your car the night before and pick it up. Make necessary apologizes; seek political asylum if necessary.
1:30 PM -- Phone call with sister. Topics of conversation: episodes of insanity observed in parents, unfairness of eliminations on Real World/Road Rules Challenge, possible subtext involved in various conversations with other people, futility of Cubs fandom.
2 PM -- Watch Cubs game. Flickers of hope, followed by crushing and painful defeat.
4 PM -- Attempt to read important work of 20th century fiction, interspersed with scenes from What I Like About You on the WB Easyview.
5 PM -- Consider shaving, but decide it's not worth the effort.
5:15 PM -- Check e-mail. Decline various kind offers to augment penis size, thank parents for awesomely funny forward, and fitfully skim glowing account of married life from undergrad friend.
5:30 PM -- Unsuccessfully search for new crush on Friendster.
5:45 PM -- Eat six oreos while watching Starsky & Hutch on HBO for the sixth time.
6:30 PM -- Blog. Watch concept once amusing to you quickly become horrifying. Abandon all hope.
9:30 AM -- Wake up. Do situps while watching the end of "What About Bob?" on TBS. Wonder if Richard Dreyfuss is that self-obsessed and compulsive in real life. Wonder if Richard Dreyfuss is still alive. Decide that you don't really care and go eat some Fruit Loops.
10 AM -- Make bed; briefly fall back asleep. Dream that Jay Leno is attacking you with a pair of hedge clippers.
10:35 AM -- Throw on jeans and polo for church. On the way there, notice that A) the jeans still reek of smoke from the night before and B) the polo is the same polo you wore the week before, with the addition of what appears to be a wine stain. Tell yourself that Jesus was a crappy dresser, too.
11 AM -- Imagine yourself throttling the old man who insists on sitting right next to you at church, despite the four empty pews on either side of you. Suppress murderous rage throughout loud, off-key rendition of "On Eagle's Wings."
11:35 AM -- Baptism! Decide that God would really want you to leave right after communion.
11:45 AM -- Remind yourself that you're being childish for not wanting to shake hands with dozens of strangers as part of the "peace of Christ" sharing program.
12:15 PM -- Eat a sandwich and some barbecue potato chips. Realize that this may be the most exciting thing you do all day.
1 PM -- Figure out where you left your car the night before and pick it up. Make necessary apologizes; seek political asylum if necessary.
1:30 PM -- Phone call with sister. Topics of conversation: episodes of insanity observed in parents, unfairness of eliminations on Real World/Road Rules Challenge, possible subtext involved in various conversations with other people, futility of Cubs fandom.
2 PM -- Watch Cubs game. Flickers of hope, followed by crushing and painful defeat.
4 PM -- Attempt to read important work of 20th century fiction, interspersed with scenes from What I Like About You on the WB Easyview.
5 PM -- Consider shaving, but decide it's not worth the effort.
5:15 PM -- Check e-mail. Decline various kind offers to augment penis size, thank parents for awesomely funny forward, and fitfully skim glowing account of married life from undergrad friend.
5:30 PM -- Unsuccessfully search for new crush on Friendster.
5:45 PM -- Eat six oreos while watching Starsky & Hutch on HBO for the sixth time.
6:30 PM -- Blog. Watch concept once amusing to you quickly become horrifying. Abandon all hope.
