Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Raising the Bar
Today is the first day of the Illinois Bar Exam. Like Christmas or Oprah’s birthday, it’s an exciting and yet potentially fatal occasion, filled with joy and unnecessary complication. I myself took the bar two years ago, way back when Bush had an illegitimate presidency and Britney hadn’t even been married once yet. Thanks to the good services of number two pencils and a first-rate analyst, I passed. For the uninitiated, however, I now present some simulated bar exam questions of my own design:
1. Constitutional Law. Suppose State A passes a law barring the sale of oat bran from State B within its borders, premised on a theory that State B oat bran is filled with unclean spirits and may or may not cause leprosy. State B then introduces a binding resolution declaring the governor of State A to be a pompous asshole. Legally, it is most correct to say that:
A. The oat bran law violates the dormant commerce clause.
B. The asshole resolution violates the separation of powers, although it is really sort of cool.
C. No one really likes oat bran that much, anyway.
D. State B is kind of a whore.
2. Contract Law. An internationally-known actor offers a lesser-known starlet with oral herpes 8 million dollars to enthusiastically but vaguely profess her love for him at a variety of film premieres, carefully choreographed Italian vacations, and church of scientology clambakes. Later, ravaged by the effects of illicit ritalin, starlet forgets to declare actor "extraordinary." At this point:
A. Starlet has breached her contract with actor.
B. The contract lacks consideration because actor has never consummated his relationship with L. Ron Hubbard.
C. Actor and starlet should pitch a reality show based on their wacky and totally real exploits.
D. Dawson Leery is crying himself to sleep every night.
3. Criminal Law. Convinced that wife Cindy is having an affair with their dental hygienist Candy, Bob plans to shoot her when she gets back from her trip to adopt a Cambodian orphan. After meeting little Mei Wing, however, Bob experiences a change of heart and decides not only to not kill Cindy but also to legitimize his fourteen other children sprinkled throughout ten midwestern states. In his zeal to begin the necessary paperwork, Bob (who is not an experienced marksman, although he did attain the rank of Wolf in Cub Scouts) drops his weapon and it discharges five times, killing the mailman, Karl. Or at least that’s the story they’re sticking to. Under traditional theories of murder, Bob has:
A. Committed first degree murder because he intended to kill his potentially lesbian-leaning wife.
B. Committed manslaughter because the jury will think orphans are adorable.
C. Not committed any crime – Karl was an enemy combatant and a threat to the freedom of the American people.
D. Just done the most interesting thing anyone named Bob will ever do.
Don’t these make you wish you were taking the bar exam right now?!?!?
Today is the first day of the Illinois Bar Exam. Like Christmas or Oprah’s birthday, it’s an exciting and yet potentially fatal occasion, filled with joy and unnecessary complication. I myself took the bar two years ago, way back when Bush had an illegitimate presidency and Britney hadn’t even been married once yet. Thanks to the good services of number two pencils and a first-rate analyst, I passed. For the uninitiated, however, I now present some simulated bar exam questions of my own design:
1. Constitutional Law. Suppose State A passes a law barring the sale of oat bran from State B within its borders, premised on a theory that State B oat bran is filled with unclean spirits and may or may not cause leprosy. State B then introduces a binding resolution declaring the governor of State A to be a pompous asshole. Legally, it is most correct to say that:
A. The oat bran law violates the dormant commerce clause.
B. The asshole resolution violates the separation of powers, although it is really sort of cool.
C. No one really likes oat bran that much, anyway.
D. State B is kind of a whore.
2. Contract Law. An internationally-known actor offers a lesser-known starlet with oral herpes 8 million dollars to enthusiastically but vaguely profess her love for him at a variety of film premieres, carefully choreographed Italian vacations, and church of scientology clambakes. Later, ravaged by the effects of illicit ritalin, starlet forgets to declare actor "extraordinary." At this point:
A. Starlet has breached her contract with actor.
B. The contract lacks consideration because actor has never consummated his relationship with L. Ron Hubbard.
C. Actor and starlet should pitch a reality show based on their wacky and totally real exploits.
D. Dawson Leery is crying himself to sleep every night.
3. Criminal Law. Convinced that wife Cindy is having an affair with their dental hygienist Candy, Bob plans to shoot her when she gets back from her trip to adopt a Cambodian orphan. After meeting little Mei Wing, however, Bob experiences a change of heart and decides not only to not kill Cindy but also to legitimize his fourteen other children sprinkled throughout ten midwestern states. In his zeal to begin the necessary paperwork, Bob (who is not an experienced marksman, although he did attain the rank of Wolf in Cub Scouts) drops his weapon and it discharges five times, killing the mailman, Karl. Or at least that’s the story they’re sticking to. Under traditional theories of murder, Bob has:
A. Committed first degree murder because he intended to kill his potentially lesbian-leaning wife.
B. Committed manslaughter because the jury will think orphans are adorable.
C. Not committed any crime – Karl was an enemy combatant and a threat to the freedom of the American people.
D. Just done the most interesting thing anyone named Bob will ever do.
Don’t these make you wish you were taking the bar exam right now?!?!?
