Friday, September 23, 2005
Corrections
We reported last week that God is dead. Sources have now informed us that that was not indeed God that we struck with our Buick last week, but a small raccoon. God has merely been hospitalized for "exhaustion."
In Tuesday's "Living" section, we quoted Jessica Simpson as stating "I'm a stupid, talentless whore." That was a misprint; the quote should have read "I like ice cream."
It has come to our attention that Tuesday's feature on teen movies was heavily plagiarized from the 1948 Norman Mailer classic The Naked and the Dead. Our heartfelt apologies to Mr. Mailer and to John Hughes.
Once we said we really liked flan, but we were thinking of something else, something edible. Please don't make us eat any more flan.
On Tuesday's World News page, we observed that maybe the whole rest of the Goddamned world deserves more than a single page, half taken up by a McDonald's ad, next to the Ziggy comic and the jumble. We apologize for that moment of conscience.
Yesterday's edition featured an anecdote about President Bush, a donkey, and the cast of the hit CBS comedy The King of Queens. That anecdote was unnecessarily crude and completely unsuitable for young readers, and we promise to bring you more such content in the future.
In our "Around Town" segment, we quoted centegenarian Ida McLaughlin as attributing her longevity to "near-constant, hardcore, unprotected sex;" as it turns out, that is an extremely unpleasant image that we'd all just rather forget about.
Last week our cooking guru, Mr. Eats, suggested that readers perk up their lasagnas with a dash of methamphetamine. Though we have no doubt of this suggestion's accuracy, we must disclose that Mr. Eats is now doing 5-10 in the county lockup.
We reported last week that God is dead. Sources have now informed us that that was not indeed God that we struck with our Buick last week, but a small raccoon. God has merely been hospitalized for "exhaustion."
In Tuesday's "Living" section, we quoted Jessica Simpson as stating "I'm a stupid, talentless whore." That was a misprint; the quote should have read "I like ice cream."
It has come to our attention that Tuesday's feature on teen movies was heavily plagiarized from the 1948 Norman Mailer classic The Naked and the Dead. Our heartfelt apologies to Mr. Mailer and to John Hughes.
Once we said we really liked flan, but we were thinking of something else, something edible. Please don't make us eat any more flan.
On Tuesday's World News page, we observed that maybe the whole rest of the Goddamned world deserves more than a single page, half taken up by a McDonald's ad, next to the Ziggy comic and the jumble. We apologize for that moment of conscience.
Yesterday's edition featured an anecdote about President Bush, a donkey, and the cast of the hit CBS comedy The King of Queens. That anecdote was unnecessarily crude and completely unsuitable for young readers, and we promise to bring you more such content in the future.
In our "Around Town" segment, we quoted centegenarian Ida McLaughlin as attributing her longevity to "near-constant, hardcore, unprotected sex;" as it turns out, that is an extremely unpleasant image that we'd all just rather forget about.
Last week our cooking guru, Mr. Eats, suggested that readers perk up their lasagnas with a dash of methamphetamine. Though we have no doubt of this suggestion's accuracy, we must disclose that Mr. Eats is now doing 5-10 in the county lockup.
