Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Family Circle
I think that someday I really want to have children. The problem, though, is that I don't want just ANY children, I want to choose my children from a line-up based on certain standards of intelligence, behavior, and grooming. Thereafter, I want to retain the option to fire said children should they grind Play-Doh into my carpet or somehow fare poorly on the SATs. Of course, they'll be allowed to set standards for me, too -- if I ever dress them in matching outfits or make them enter the Pinewood Derby, I fully admit that a summary dismissal is in order.
I'm a little worried about naming my (as of yet fictional) kids, too. I mean, if you name your daughter Crystal she's just going to end up being a hooker, no question about it. And boys named Kurt or Todd are borderline retarded, whether they want to be or not. I have to avoid ethnic names due to my pasty white skin and highly Germanic last name; devising a Carlos or a Shanequa would just be asking the neighborhood kids to beat them up. I kind of feel like it would be fun to give them random words as names, like Butter (who doesn't like butter?) and Recliner, but you really have to be a celebrity for that level of gall to be permissible. Chances are I'll end up with a Jason and a Sarah.
I really don't know what brought any of this on, in case you're wondering; it may just be that the mind wanders when there's no sun out and you're reviewing documents all day.
I think that someday I really want to have children. The problem, though, is that I don't want just ANY children, I want to choose my children from a line-up based on certain standards of intelligence, behavior, and grooming. Thereafter, I want to retain the option to fire said children should they grind Play-Doh into my carpet or somehow fare poorly on the SATs. Of course, they'll be allowed to set standards for me, too -- if I ever dress them in matching outfits or make them enter the Pinewood Derby, I fully admit that a summary dismissal is in order.
I'm a little worried about naming my (as of yet fictional) kids, too. I mean, if you name your daughter Crystal she's just going to end up being a hooker, no question about it. And boys named Kurt or Todd are borderline retarded, whether they want to be or not. I have to avoid ethnic names due to my pasty white skin and highly Germanic last name; devising a Carlos or a Shanequa would just be asking the neighborhood kids to beat them up. I kind of feel like it would be fun to give them random words as names, like Butter (who doesn't like butter?) and Recliner, but you really have to be a celebrity for that level of gall to be permissible. Chances are I'll end up with a Jason and a Sarah.
I really don't know what brought any of this on, in case you're wondering; it may just be that the mind wanders when there's no sun out and you're reviewing documents all day.
