Saturday, November 26, 2005
Nostalgia Trip
One of the best (worst) things about coming from a small town is the likelihood that, should you return home and somehow venture to a bar, video store, or God forbid Wal-Mart, you will undoubtedly run into just about everyone you've ever known. I have been here for three days and have already seen several former high school classmates (all of whom were slightly fatter with worse hair), an elderly (then and now) lady I was in community theater with in junior high, and former orthodontist. Luckily, most of these people have clearly been as anxious to not make eye contact with me as I have been to act very, very interested in the display of Noxema products in the opposite direction of them. But occasionally you get a talker, and that is when I feel fully justified in making up outrageous lies:
Intrusive Former Acquaintance: Wow, Jay, it's so good to see you. What have you been up to?
Jay: Oh, I'm an astronaut. Got me a little place on Mars.
IFA: Mars? Really? I didn't even think people could breathe on Mars.
Jay: Yeah, that's what the liberal media wants you to think.
IFA: I can't stand that Michael Moore.
Jay: I know. He's such a goddamned tease. Tarts it up in all those crop tops but won't put out.
IFA: What?
Jay: Nothing, nothing. Hey, do you know if they sell Valtrex here?
IFA: At St. Francis Catholic Church?
Jay: Guess I'll take that as a no.
IFA: Um, yeah, listen, great talking to you, but I've got to get going. I've got a... quilting bee... in space.
Jay: Awww, too bad. But let's have lunch real soon, okay?
Now you see why every time I come back here it gets a little bit harder to leave. It's because of all the outstanding warrants.
One of the best (worst) things about coming from a small town is the likelihood that, should you return home and somehow venture to a bar, video store, or God forbid Wal-Mart, you will undoubtedly run into just about everyone you've ever known. I have been here for three days and have already seen several former high school classmates (all of whom were slightly fatter with worse hair), an elderly (then and now) lady I was in community theater with in junior high, and former orthodontist. Luckily, most of these people have clearly been as anxious to not make eye contact with me as I have been to act very, very interested in the display of Noxema products in the opposite direction of them. But occasionally you get a talker, and that is when I feel fully justified in making up outrageous lies:
Intrusive Former Acquaintance: Wow, Jay, it's so good to see you. What have you been up to?
Jay: Oh, I'm an astronaut. Got me a little place on Mars.
IFA: Mars? Really? I didn't even think people could breathe on Mars.
Jay: Yeah, that's what the liberal media wants you to think.
IFA: I can't stand that Michael Moore.
Jay: I know. He's such a goddamned tease. Tarts it up in all those crop tops but won't put out.
IFA: What?
Jay: Nothing, nothing. Hey, do you know if they sell Valtrex here?
IFA: At St. Francis Catholic Church?
Jay: Guess I'll take that as a no.
IFA: Um, yeah, listen, great talking to you, but I've got to get going. I've got a... quilting bee... in space.
Jay: Awww, too bad. But let's have lunch real soon, okay?
Now you see why every time I come back here it gets a little bit harder to leave. It's because of all the outstanding warrants.
