Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Strangers on a Train
Weird things always, always, always happen to me on the el. I'm not just talking your garden variety weird train things like being harassed by a panhandler or seeing someone masturbating; I'm talking latter-day-Marlon-Brando-level weirdness here. Random people like to come up to me and mistake me for their grandchild or tell me the story of how they lost their virginity (but usually not both at once). I'm told I'm very "approachable," although usually not after I threaten to cut people for saying that. Thankfully, my juvenile records have been sealed.
So anyway, even though I only ride the train for two stops in the morning now, I really should have known better than to employ a Harry Potter bookmark that says "Reading is Magic."
"Oh, wow, man, I really love your bookmark, man, that's so cool. 'Reading is magic,' boy, that's true. Reading IS magic."
You know how people portray hippies in really bad community theater productions of "Hair?" That's how this lady talked.
"Um, thanks," I responded, wondering why A) having my face buried in my book gave this lady the impression that I wanted to chat and B) she failed to understand the essential train rule that people don't really talk in the mornings, when the dark Chicago Winter has us focused on contemplating suicide.
"Yeah, I just really like to read, man. It's just so magic. I'll get like a Janet Evanovich book and just lie back in the tub and let it take me away."
Chances are she was actually thinking of Calgon, but I was so jarred by the Janet Evanovich reference that I really didn't know what to say.
"Right, well, reading is great," I said.
"Reading is magic, geez, man, I really like that. It's so true. It's just, yeah, I'd rather be reading than doing anything."
"Uh huh."
"I mean, that's why I'm actually really glad I don't have a job right now, man. Lots more time to read. That's just great."
"Uh huh."
"I mean, what is money, anyway, man? You don't need it. All you need is a good book. Reading is magic."
After this, things get a little bit blurry for me. All I know is that when I woke up there was blood on my hands.
Weird things always, always, always happen to me on the el. I'm not just talking your garden variety weird train things like being harassed by a panhandler or seeing someone masturbating; I'm talking latter-day-Marlon-Brando-level weirdness here. Random people like to come up to me and mistake me for their grandchild or tell me the story of how they lost their virginity (but usually not both at once). I'm told I'm very "approachable," although usually not after I threaten to cut people for saying that. Thankfully, my juvenile records have been sealed.
So anyway, even though I only ride the train for two stops in the morning now, I really should have known better than to employ a Harry Potter bookmark that says "Reading is Magic."
"Oh, wow, man, I really love your bookmark, man, that's so cool. 'Reading is magic,' boy, that's true. Reading IS magic."
You know how people portray hippies in really bad community theater productions of "Hair?" That's how this lady talked.
"Um, thanks," I responded, wondering why A) having my face buried in my book gave this lady the impression that I wanted to chat and B) she failed to understand the essential train rule that people don't really talk in the mornings, when the dark Chicago Winter has us focused on contemplating suicide.
"Yeah, I just really like to read, man. It's just so magic. I'll get like a Janet Evanovich book and just lie back in the tub and let it take me away."
Chances are she was actually thinking of Calgon, but I was so jarred by the Janet Evanovich reference that I really didn't know what to say.
"Right, well, reading is great," I said.
"Reading is magic, geez, man, I really like that. It's so true. It's just, yeah, I'd rather be reading than doing anything."
"Uh huh."
"I mean, that's why I'm actually really glad I don't have a job right now, man. Lots more time to read. That's just great."
"Uh huh."
"I mean, what is money, anyway, man? You don't need it. All you need is a good book. Reading is magic."
After this, things get a little bit blurry for me. All I know is that when I woke up there was blood on my hands.
