Friday, January 13, 2006
Double Super Secret
Have you ever have someone swear you to the utmost secrecy about something that is so uninteresting you wouldn't tell it to Al Gore on Tax Day in DesMoines, IA? For instance, Cindy from your office makes you PROMISE not to tell Danny from your pottery class that her friend Kelly from Grover Cleveland Middle School can't eat dairy? Or your dad stresses with utmost gravity that you mustn't tell anyone, no matter how strong the temptation, that Globomaxx is considering a merger with Intertron? Conveyed as they inevitably are with the utmost sincerity, these impassioned exhortions invariably make me want to spit chocolate YooHoo out my nose with laughter.
For the record, here are some things that would ACTUALLY be compelling secrets:
-- You caught the boss doing a line of coke off a hooker's ass.
-- You found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and are keeping them in a storage locker in Skokie.
-- Ellen is having your baby.
-- You are the one who "put the bop in the bop sh bop sh bop."
-- You don't hate Carson Daly.
So maybe don't whip out your hushed tone and squinched up secret face unless it's a special occasion, okay?
Have you ever have someone swear you to the utmost secrecy about something that is so uninteresting you wouldn't tell it to Al Gore on Tax Day in DesMoines, IA? For instance, Cindy from your office makes you PROMISE not to tell Danny from your pottery class that her friend Kelly from Grover Cleveland Middle School can't eat dairy? Or your dad stresses with utmost gravity that you mustn't tell anyone, no matter how strong the temptation, that Globomaxx is considering a merger with Intertron? Conveyed as they inevitably are with the utmost sincerity, these impassioned exhortions invariably make me want to spit chocolate YooHoo out my nose with laughter.
For the record, here are some things that would ACTUALLY be compelling secrets:
-- You caught the boss doing a line of coke off a hooker's ass.
-- You found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and are keeping them in a storage locker in Skokie.
-- Ellen is having your baby.
-- You are the one who "put the bop in the bop sh bop sh bop."
-- You don't hate Carson Daly.
So maybe don't whip out your hushed tone and squinched up secret face unless it's a special occasion, okay?
