Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Our Nation's Future
Sunday I had the opportunity to help babysit for eight children, and let me just say that if you have ever thought about having eight children, it is a bad idea. Unless you eat your young, in which case, hey, it's a taste sensation. But children, much like gang members in a Michael Jackson video, are adorable but dangerous when traveling in packs. They will flash a mischievous smile while pinching you until you bleed, or have contests to see who can destroy the most of your belongings. (Sorry, guys, my ex-landlord already took the prize in that one.) They will place foreign substances, likely of the organic variety, all over you and everything you've ever cared about. Plus they watch the Disney channel completely unironically. I mean, come on, there's no way that That's So Raven can be meant literally!
It's not that I don't like children. To the contrary, I think they're kind of awesome. Frankly, I wish society would allow ME to live completely off my parents and not particularly care whether I'm wearing pants. And children are the only people who can honestly claim no culpability for, for instance, the popularity of Paris Hilton or the political ascendancy of Rick Santorum. But I am just not a fan of mob action, whether it's carried out by the klan, the tri-delts, or a pack of 2- through 12-year-olds.
Although I did get to hold a baby for ten minutes or so, which sort of made the whole thing worthwhile. They're so warm and scrunchy! I seriously thought about bolting for the door with it, but then I figured the House of Fleas and Truck-Related Clothing is no place for a child.
Sunday I had the opportunity to help babysit for eight children, and let me just say that if you have ever thought about having eight children, it is a bad idea. Unless you eat your young, in which case, hey, it's a taste sensation. But children, much like gang members in a Michael Jackson video, are adorable but dangerous when traveling in packs. They will flash a mischievous smile while pinching you until you bleed, or have contests to see who can destroy the most of your belongings. (Sorry, guys, my ex-landlord already took the prize in that one.) They will place foreign substances, likely of the organic variety, all over you and everything you've ever cared about. Plus they watch the Disney channel completely unironically. I mean, come on, there's no way that That's So Raven can be meant literally!
It's not that I don't like children. To the contrary, I think they're kind of awesome. Frankly, I wish society would allow ME to live completely off my parents and not particularly care whether I'm wearing pants. And children are the only people who can honestly claim no culpability for, for instance, the popularity of Paris Hilton or the political ascendancy of Rick Santorum. But I am just not a fan of mob action, whether it's carried out by the klan, the tri-delts, or a pack of 2- through 12-year-olds.
Although I did get to hold a baby for ten minutes or so, which sort of made the whole thing worthwhile. They're so warm and scrunchy! I seriously thought about bolting for the door with it, but then I figured the House of Fleas and Truck-Related Clothing is no place for a child.
