Sunday, December 10, 2006
Value City
So a few months ago Jewel introduced their Extra Value Item of the Week Program. I can only assume that it was conceived of as an additional way to humiliate their employees, because the Extra Value Item of the Week is never anything that anyone would actually want. It's always, say, a 24-pack of Crisco for half off or three for the price of one cacti, rather than a low price on something people actually use like butter or delicious cheddar cheese spread. But regardless, the cashiers are required to ask every single customer whether he or she is interested in the Extra Value Item of the Week on peril of being compelled to give that fabulous item away for free. This generally results in responses ranging from "What?" to "Uh, no, I don't actually need a glasses repair kit" to "Were you just coming on to me?" I'm sort of convinced that Jewel doesn't actually even HAVE these Extra Value Items, but just makes them up so they can watch people squirm.
But anyway, after months of being cruelly rebuffed in their attempts to sell Chutney-flavored Fruit Loops and Mr. T Breath Savers, the cashiers have replaced their detailed pitches with incoherent mumbling and a broad gesture in the general direction of a sign depicting said Extra Value. Now, we customers can generally just pretend we haven't even been asked to add Chocolate-Dipped Bacon to our food orders as a last minute impulse, while the cashiers can sleep soundly at night knowing that, by God, at least they tried. It's a system that works for everyone.
You can imagine my shock, however, when I found myself in line today behind a woman who actually took this whole process seriously.
"Oh, Extra Value Item, huh?" she said, acting as though esoteric concepts of quantum physics had just been introduced rather than a 25% off deal on hot sauce. "Oh my, let me see, I don't know. I've got bananas, and some soup. Hmmm. Hot sauce. How much would I save?"
Of course, no one displayed any interest in answering this purported question, but her wheels kept right on turning.
"You know, I just don't much care for hot things. I like cold things. I guess I like hot dogs, does that count? No, I'm just kidding."
And suddenly it was Open Mic Night at Zanies.
"Hmm, no, no, I don't think I'll take it. No, no hot sauce for me. Too hot to handle, I guess, huh? No, I will pass on your Extra Value Item of the Week."
If I worked at Jewel, I think I'd be hard pressed not to follow customers out into the parking lot and bean them with canteloupes. I'm just saying.
So a few months ago Jewel introduced their Extra Value Item of the Week Program. I can only assume that it was conceived of as an additional way to humiliate their employees, because the Extra Value Item of the Week is never anything that anyone would actually want. It's always, say, a 24-pack of Crisco for half off or three for the price of one cacti, rather than a low price on something people actually use like butter or delicious cheddar cheese spread. But regardless, the cashiers are required to ask every single customer whether he or she is interested in the Extra Value Item of the Week on peril of being compelled to give that fabulous item away for free. This generally results in responses ranging from "What?" to "Uh, no, I don't actually need a glasses repair kit" to "Were you just coming on to me?" I'm sort of convinced that Jewel doesn't actually even HAVE these Extra Value Items, but just makes them up so they can watch people squirm.
But anyway, after months of being cruelly rebuffed in their attempts to sell Chutney-flavored Fruit Loops and Mr. T Breath Savers, the cashiers have replaced their detailed pitches with incoherent mumbling and a broad gesture in the general direction of a sign depicting said Extra Value. Now, we customers can generally just pretend we haven't even been asked to add Chocolate-Dipped Bacon to our food orders as a last minute impulse, while the cashiers can sleep soundly at night knowing that, by God, at least they tried. It's a system that works for everyone.
You can imagine my shock, however, when I found myself in line today behind a woman who actually took this whole process seriously.
"Oh, Extra Value Item, huh?" she said, acting as though esoteric concepts of quantum physics had just been introduced rather than a 25% off deal on hot sauce. "Oh my, let me see, I don't know. I've got bananas, and some soup. Hmmm. Hot sauce. How much would I save?"
Of course, no one displayed any interest in answering this purported question, but her wheels kept right on turning.
"You know, I just don't much care for hot things. I like cold things. I guess I like hot dogs, does that count? No, I'm just kidding."
And suddenly it was Open Mic Night at Zanies.
"Hmm, no, no, I don't think I'll take it. No, no hot sauce for me. Too hot to handle, I guess, huh? No, I will pass on your Extra Value Item of the Week."
If I worked at Jewel, I think I'd be hard pressed not to follow customers out into the parking lot and bean them with canteloupes. I'm just saying.
